How do you know it's over

[WesterChick]

Just that really

Ups and downs. But the downs are more often than the ups. And the red flags in the first few years of our relationship that I ignored because I was In Lurve have got a million times worse.

He takes me for granted. I work as much as I can around our kids. No cleaner. No options on how we spend our money (he's a high earner) we are always skint even when I'm earning more, I don't have a say in where the money goes.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, house stuff in general.

I work weekends but he still manages 3 sport activities over a weekend but styles himself fucking husband of the year if he takes them out once while I'm working, I take them out the rest of the time and then sort food and bedtime, if I'm lucky he'll read a story.

I'm so fucked off. 3 kids. Lovely house. Shit life. Would be easier without him, would prefer a small place and not this burning unease at how unjust it all is at the moment.

His view is he works all the hours to provide his family with a good life. I'd never do this. Choose a career you love or at least like?! Don't guilt trip your family forever.

Arghhhh. I'm drinking too much gin too which isn't really helpful.

He's just not kind. He's so transactional. I really believe he doesn't give a shit about me, but then we drunkenly argue and he is very dramatic and says I'm his world. Actually he doesn't even do that, but he gives the impression I don't know his mind and that it's just his nature not to be demonstrative.

First order of business, please stop drinking alcohol. It's not helping anything. Next, see a solicitor and file for divorce. Just do it. You're miserable, your marriage has become a toxic nightmare, and your kids are the ones who will really pay the price for living in all of the dysfunction.

Get your shit together and get out of there. Make every effort possible to co-parent amicably.

Wanted to say you're not alone @WesterChick I am also having a late night drink after being shouted at for no reason for the last hour. He does nothing. He criticises me all the time. I pay and sort everything. I am so alone and so sad. If I stay ill always be unhappy. If I leave my kids will be unhappy.

No, your kids will not be unhappy if you leave. Depending on their age, they might be already picking up on the tension in the house. They will see their father's violent behaviour and sadly might think it is acceptable. Such incidents cause trauma for children. They need a happy and safe mother. Please don't torture yourself. Seek support from a woman's charity. They will help plan your next steps for you to leave.

You are 100% wrong. Your kids will never be happy knowing their mum is so miserable, and kids always know. You have gaslit yourself to "stay for the kids", but all this is doing is modelling a toxic, unhealthy relationship. This will be your children's normal and a pattern they will be doomed to repeat. Raising your kids in an abusive home is never the answer. You can leave him, I suggest you do so as quickly as possible.

No, the kids will not be unhappy if you leave.
The kids will be unhappy if you stay....

Now - they'll be unhappy seeking things how they are
Future - they'll be unhappy knowing you stayed for their benefit especially as they l arm the truth about their dad - because they will. They'll be unhappy in their own relationships when they repeat history thinking that the example they've had set is normal.

Get out, carve a life for yourself and them and show them that no relationship is worth being unhappy for, that being alone and happy is far better than being with the wrong person, that people and learn and grown from mistakes instead of putting up and shutting up.

I do get all of that and I do agree with a lot of it @Milkand2sugarsplease @Aquamarine1029

There is another thread on this forum where a mum is having to tell her 7 year old she MUST go stay at the dads despite her coming back with a burn on her and being hysterically upset at the thought of going back. The mum has to keep telling the kid to go back as FC insists and she can't be accused of PA.

I know it's an extreme example but I find it almost impossible to contemplate sending my kids (pre school age) to their dads when he is volatile and unpredictable.

I know staying isn't good for them but my dad was also v angry and I would have hated to be with him for days on end without my mum.

Interesting reading these responses to this life dilemma. Firstly, I find it interesting that what you have described is a very common problem. Feeling undervalued and having conversations around wanting to feel more equal in the relationship backfiring to making us feel like we don't appreciate ALL they do for us.

Mainly this comes down to just awful communication which creates us living separately in the same house unable to have conversations that are hard so we compensate by not having hard conversations and ultimately become strangers avoiding conflict trying to 'survive' and finding joy elsewhere, friends, sport, etc.

So what can we do? Everything you are thinking about will be hard but firstly we owe it to ourselves (and our kids) to try and figure it out. What did you love about each other all those years ago before life got in the way? Before you ended up on this treadmill? Can you spend any time alone together and have fun?

My first advice to you would be to try and make yourself happier. Not because of him or the kids or anyone else but because YOU deserve it. The first step would be to stop drinking (or try really hard not to). This is unhelpful for your health. Physical but more mental. You are numbing yourself. Take steps to heal within this environment first. Be a little selfish. Make time for yourself.

Then (with a clear head) confide in your husband that you are worried that you won't make it if you can't do a better job of communication with one another. Try and do TOGETHER and if that doesn't work suggest counselling. Suggest that you organise a regular date night. Tell him that you'd love it if he cooked one night you'll clean and then he can clean one night when you cook. Start with baby steps. No one can climb a mountain without putting in some decent steps first and you'll need equipment. Ask him to only exercise early so it doesn't impact the family time at the weekend. Do stuff together as a family.

If he doesn't want to try then you may have to face the fact that you will have to think about ending the relationship. Your children need to grow up in a happier home. That could be you all together and if that can't work then just you and them and then dad and them. Just realise that dad and them would (probably sooner than you think) become dad, his girlfriend and them. And all the complications that come with that.....