DV marriage. Should I wait until after divorce to involve children’s services?

[Amgelima]

Hello all. I’m working towards leaving a marriage where there has been DV. In recent months it became aimed at my children and that is the final straw. I called police and social services and I now have an IDVA.

I am afraid of my partner and afraid to have a conversation with him about divorce. children’s services responded to my referral about the situation with me on the phone and said as long as I am supervising my H with the children and calling police if anything happens they are not telling me I must leave (they understand I am leaving anyway). I spoke to children’s services yesterday and they asked if they want me to do an assessment of my family. I said yes.

I am so exhausted and overwhelmed and at that moment I was thinking of taking my children out of our home and either into a refuge or a hotel.

however, my IDVA then told me that maybe it would be best to just concentrate on the divorce and that having children’s services assess now would make that harder. All of this was so confusing. I have no doubt my H will be mad that I have called CS on him. He is away this weekend and doesn’t know it. My IDVA said perhaps I can have a supervised conversation with my H asking him to leave and see how that goes and get thru the divorce and keep the children with me until there is a child arrangements order requested by him.

all of this is just so overwhelming. My H might be capable of a conversation supervised by clergy. It has been about 2.5 years since he was really threatening to me (he threw scissors at me) although this autumn he punched thru plastic storage boxes next to my head on two occasions- and he wasn’t even mad at me apparently - it supposedly had nothing to do with me. That was the moment I knew he wouldn’t change. And then his treatment of our son in January and an episode towards my daughter this past Saturday when she said he threw the contents of the cutlery container over her head and a fork hit her (she is 7 and insists to me she was not frightened and she thinks he dumped it in the sink to clean it and just threw it over her head to do so - but he was angry with her in the moments leading up to that bc he talked back to him so in my eyes it was a threat and you shouldn’t throw cutlery over your child’s head in any event).

sorry for rambling. If this were you, would you get CS to assess (voluntary basis) immediately or calll them back and explain you want to concentrate on getting thru divorce first?

this is all so murky for me and I am overwhelmed. I don’t have family in the U.K. I would really like to stay in our house with my children and let them keep going to their school and have my H agree to live with his mum or rent a small place (he has control over all the money) but I don’t know if it’s possible. I have legal aid and I have a solicitor now and they said perhaps they can do a non mol but if he contests it it can take weeks and that’s where IDVA asked if maybe having clergy from my church guide a conversation first might work and obv not go to home with him if afterwards if he refused to separate or let us stay in the house etc.

Thank you for reading my jumbled thoughts. This is absolute hell but the kids and I will get thru it. I don’t want to upset their lives more than necessary but I need to keep them safe.

Leave, via Women’s Aid.

I think your IDVA is giving you very strange advice. She should be supporting you to leave, not stay and wait for a divorce. There are a number of protective orders you could apply for with her help. Occupation order, non molestation order, and you could report him to the police. I don't think that staying for months while a divorce goes through whilst living in the same home is good planning.

Thanks for your post. What do you mean via women’s aid? I did call them but now that I have an IDVA they won’t work with me on an advocate basis - they will only work with me again if I no longer have an IDVA. My local women’s aid have been difficult to get in touch with. I called and emailed them asking if they have a record of my counselling appointment from 2020 and that was over a week ago and they haven’t replied. It’s really hard to get thru to them.

Please ring us at womens aid for support and advice, we can help. Theres support here for you.

I’d let them assess. They need to understand that you can’t supervise your husband with the children because you are all at risk from him. They should help you get him out. Your IDVA should help with safety planning while you do it. The time that he knows you are ending things is risky. I recommend seeking an occupation order. Your solicitor can advise.

Thank you. I have the solicitor’s paralegal all ready to set up the occupation order and non mol on Monday morning. She just needs my most recent bank statements for legal aid. My H will be home Sunday at 3pm and I am thinking maybe I will go to a hotel or a refuge.

I think my IDVA could sense how hesitant I am to just take my kids to a refuge. Part of that is bc there are so many unknowns. How much school will they miss? Will I have to stop my postgraduate training which will make it harder to get a job and provide for my kids? Etc etc. I imagine life stops if you go to a refuge but maybe I am wrong. The IDVA wondered if I had tried to talk to my H about leaving. I am too afraid. In my gut it feels like the wrong thing to do.

I work at womens aid and your IDVA worker doesnt seem to be doing their job. Your family needs protecting, we can help facilitate that.
Please persist to get through to us..you may have to cancel the IDVA...we are very quick at supporting as youll be classed as high risk.

You shouldnt talk to your husband about leaving, that is too dangerous, i am surprised they advised that! Please ring us.

Thank you so much. That is very helpful. Maybe I will bypass my local women’s aid and call other women’s aid numbers. I also have the numbers for local refuges. I am so filled with anxiety over all of this. I have been keeping it together but it’s torture and anytime someone (like children’s services) makes it sound like maybe I can stay in my home just by safeguarding or my IDVA suggests maybe I csn somehow sort it with a conversation with my H instead of all of these legal / civil orders I sink back into relief and start thinking maybe it’s not so dangerous after all. But at the gut level I absolutely will not talk about it with my H -maybe by video or phone and with a therapist if he is far away.

I am going to start calling refuges this morning. I didn’t want to have to do this but I think the support of the people there will help because this is all so huge and so confusing and while maybe my H would somehow be capable of a conversation, getting this wrong could be lethal. Even tho he acts nice much of the time, I almost never know what will set him off. I am a suppressed version of myself around him and do what is necessary to keep safe.

@Amgelima
You won't get into refuge by ringing yourself...you have to be referred. Let me find you some other DV helplines i will get back to you on here xx

Thank you so much!!!!

0808 2000 247. Refuge

https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/
Sorry i cant group in one post im on my phone x

Nothing helpful to add but 💐

You can do this

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help/

I hope these links work. Ive got to go out but please dm me if you have any questions xx

Your IDVA is giving dangerous information that puts you at risk. You should be high risk and been assessed by MARAC. Get in touch with above links and they will support you and give you advice on staying safer . Xx

Thank you!!! 🙏

Having Children's Services involvement at the point of separation (when the risk of harm heightens) is really sensible and very much in your children's best interests. I'm stunned at the dangerous advice given by your IDVA.

Not only will Children's Services be able to give you some short term support, having the abuse documented by them will be really valuable should he apply for a Child Arrangements Order in the future.

Thank you. Since I’m in the middle of this and have been for so long it’s very easy for me to start to convince myself that things can be ok just a little longer and just fall back into a haze as soon as someone says I can wait a little longer. When my husband threw the cutlery container at my daughter I honestly thought police and CS would be more worried, but bc I wasn’t in the room and it was my 7 year old’s word against her father’s AND she said she wasn’t really frightened, it perhaps made it seem less serious to them. My kids - especially my daughter - love their dad and this is going to be so hard for them.

I am really grateful for your feedback here. Thank you. In that case I will not ask them to hold off on the assessment. I called them bc I wanted help and support and intervention to keep my kids safe. It all felt too much and I just wanted people who know what they are doing around us. CS is going to call me before they get in touch with my H to give me notice and make sure I am somewhere safe in advance. My H is smooth and charming and when he does abusive actions he acts like it’s no big deal or that he didn’t mean to do it. I hope they can see thru him. He is a really smart man and comes across as kind (and sometimes he really can be kind which makes it even more confusing). My son told the police detective that he had been hurt by his dad and told me many times he does not feel safe around his dad. (I had police meet my son at school). I am not going to interfere or coach him but I hope he feels free to be honest with CS bc I can also see where he may want to be loyal to his dad.

Update - I rang the phone number for Refuge and it went to the national hotline. They said they could not help with a refuge place until probably Monday BUT that my situation is urgent and that I should call emergency children’s services and police to ask if I can be housed today and then get back with refuge on Monday. I called all of those numbers and no one could help today so I will need to call first thing Monday.

I am terrified now and am going to just try to act normal when H comes home tomorrow and just hang in there until Monday. I was advised not to go to a hotel in case I can be tracked. I wish I had family here.

Will reply later @Amgelima

I know exactly the type of man you describe OP. I've worked in the field for many years and have met several very charming, affable men who think they can pull the wool over the eyes of professionals. Thankfully we know that a person's outward presentation is no indicator of what goes on behind closed doors.