Aibu... here we go again

[Newnamedisguise]

Have an arrangement in place between me and ex that he has the baby every Tuesday and Thursday 4-6. I stipulated I would drop him off and pick him up from the exs mother's. He has continually tried to change the plans. He's tried moving a Thursday to a Saturday morning. Weekends me and baby do our own thing. See friends, baby groups etc. So I said I could change the Tuesday to Monday ( He said he thinks there is to much time in between the original days). Now he's accusing me of controlling everyone in my life. Context, he left after 11 years when baby was 4 weeks old after having an affair with a co worker through all of my pregnancy.

The context adds nothing. The reasons and circumstances of him leaving have no bearing on contact.

If I were him I'd not be happy with any weekend time. I can't see why you can't allow him the occasional Saturday.

Baby is breastfed. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect someone to stick to an arrangement. It's not just a case of take them when you fancy and give the baby a bottle if he's hungry. He had swapped days before and I've offered extra instead of swapping but he wasn't keen on that. He's wanting to change to days permanently. He sometimes just drives around with the baby in the car so they stay asleep.

Whilst I agree that it's only fair he gets some weekend time it's a bit rubbish if he wants say 1pm - 3pm so that OP can't really plan anything on a Saturday because the whole day will revolve around contact being right in the middle of it. Maybe he could see the baby earlier or later in the day so OP can still attend baby groups etc. Or what about alternating Saturdays and Sundays?

You are the baby's main carer and maintaining their routine is important. Especially when you're breastfeeding. Your ex needs to understand that and try to work around it. It's different saying that a day doesn't suit because he's working versus "I can't do mornings because I'll be hungover".

Both parents need to try and be accommodating. It's completely unfair of him to cancel or change plans last minute though. I wouldn't be offering up alternatives in that case. If he cancels last minute he misses out. If he knows you'll just offer another day he'll have no deterrent for not cancelling.

Keep a record of all the times he's cancelled or missed. Keep all your correspondence of you offering alternatives and him refusing. If he ever tries to take you to court you'll have evidence of him being an unreliable parent. I hope he's paying maintenance as well.

Nope. He isn't paying anything. Like I say there are 2 set days in which he has the baby. That works for my baby because he manages around feeding time. Plus I also want minimal contact due to the abuse I get from him. So it was put in place every Tuesday and thus so I would know I was taking him for a set time and picking him up. Thus meaning little contact unless something was to change. Given notice I don't mind changing a day every now and then but he wants it changed to what suits him best. I don't want my baby to miss out on groups to be strapped in a car seat for 2 hours and driven around.

How old is baby now?
he’s not got anywhere near enough time with his child
it doesn’t matter the affair etc

what are the plans to increase his time?

why is he not sticking to times/days? Is it work patterns or simply cuz he can’t be arsed

You need to contact CMS and get them to set up maintenance payments from him.

What are his reasons for cancelling or moving the scheduled days?

Short term this Tuesday and Thursday thing is working for you and baby. Long term obviously it’s not going to. Contact will need to change as your baby grows. What is the long term plan? What kind of contact can you imagine in 5 years time? Every other weekend at Dad’s?
You’re main problem at the moment is perhaps the chopping and changing? Would it work for you if he had say, Tuesday 4-6 plus a weekend day (Sunday?) 4-6 every week with the idea thats the length of time will increase as your baby starts eating solids and going longer between feeds. So maybe by 1year old it’s 10am-6pm every Sunday plus 4-7 on Tuesday evenings. And then eventually it will turn into Friday after school till Monday school drop off every other weekend plus Tuesday afterschool + dinner every week.

There's times when he'll tell me to leave the baby with his mam because he's going to be late from work. Then I get told a different story off his mam as to why he's not there. Sometimes he just hasnt turned up at all. Then i get abuse about him demanding more time and that hell just text everyday till he gets what he wants. He lies so much about everything. I don't know why he can't stick to the times for now.

Baby is only 18 weeks old. For now it would work but he can't just leave things as they are week to week wothout finding some reason to have a go at me for something. He won't entertain a Sunday as he's away every Sunday drinking. Same on a Friday.

He sounds like a waste of space.

Personally I’d tell him “these are the days and times we agreed, if you want anything different take me to court, and while were there we can discuss maintenance payments”.

He's already had me invited to mediation which I'll be attending. He's opted for the seperate way. Probably so I can't discredit what he's telling them. All I want is for him to leave me alone and have those days and times for now.

Yep, what you need to push for in mediation then is consistency. If you turn up with a reasonable suggestion for a long term plan and how to work up to it + the need for things to be consistent and not subject to constant negotiation, then the mediator will see you’re trying to be fair and thinking of your child. Is his mum someone you trust and think of as a good influence for your baby? If so, it might help mentally to reframe it as ´grandma time’ for your baby when he’s not turning up.

Is the stuff he’s having a go at you for in any way relevant to your shared responsibility for your baby or not really? Everything that’s completely irrelevant you can just ignore. If it’s relevant but really an excuse to have a go at you, either flip it back on him if it’s really his issue or just acknowledge you’ve seen it but don’t get drawn into an argument.
So if he complains you didn’t include enough nappies in her bag last time, you can say ´feel free to purchase a pack of spares for your contact time. She’s currently wearing size 2/3’. If he complains you’re parenting wrong on your time or comments on personal life you can just totally ignore it unless it’s accusations that social services would be interested in.

If he's harassing you by text daily, block him. Set up a new email address. Message him and say you wish to correspond by email only and ask that he only messages regarding contact arrangements. Tell him you will only be check the emails on a Tuesday and Thursday morning in case he has to cancel contact for that day. All other emails will be ignored. Tell him that you will require at least 1 weeks notice if he wishes to reschedule contact.

Or if you have a good relationship with his mum could you use her as the go between? Unless she's an unsafe person I don't think it's a bad thing that the baby spends time with their grandmother your ex definitely shouldn't be giving up his small amount of time with the baby and having his mum look after him.

If he's arranged mediation discuss the possibility of contact on a Saturday then but I wouldn't get into an argument with him about it. Leave it till mediation to see what they suggest.

His behaviour is deplorable. He finds some reason everytime he's at the house or when I get the baby back of touching me. Even if its just a squeeze of the shoulder or something. I've told him numerous times its totally unacceptable. He's started texting every day. Now he's started to turn up to the house out of the blue. He's part owner but doesn't live there anymore. He doesn't even knock. Just walks in. He's lying to me about the smallest of things. My concern is the lies he will tell about the baby if anything happens.

I'm not OK with it when he demands more time telling me I'm an effing clown and a disgrace because I don't allow him to change plans last minute. Then he leaves the baby woth his mam.

You can't control how he behaves and he's not suddenly going to start behaving because you ask. You can only control your actions. You need some boundaries. Keep your door locked at all times with the key in the door so he can't just open the door. Get a ring doorbell. Discuss with his mum if transitions can happen at hers so you don't have to see him. Ignore his comments about you not allowing last minute changes, of course he's not going to be happy at not getting his own way but that's his problems. Drop the baby off to his mum and if he doesn't turn up for contact that's his loss and again his problem. Block his phone number and contact via email only.

So I've asked if he wants to have baby from 4-6.30 2 nights a week. He's said no as he should be in bed by 7 and that's his opinion. That's an extra hour a week that he has declined. I'm not mad to think that alot of 5 month old babies dont go to bed at 7pm am I? He wanted to make it earlier but baby gets fed before he has him at 4

If he isn't paying and is generally being unreasonable I would grey rock him.

Block him on your phone.

Tell home you will check emails at specific times and days and do so.

Tell him when you will make the baby available.

He's already going down the court route, o point trying to reason with someone who is clearly unreasonable.

Reasons for your split are irrelevant. I can understand him wanting to see the baby for more than four hours a week and yes you should be letting him have one of the weekend days.

let him know it’s the chopping and changing and inconsistencies that aren’t ok and he needs to stick to routine however you need to be willing to give him more time.

Depends. My baby was in bed by 7pm by 3 months old and still is at 4 years old!