How to tell DC when no money to move out

[Bringmesunshine123]

DH and I have reached the end after 25 years marriage - it's horrible, painful and the right thing to do but there's a horrible atmosphere at home and the DC need to be told.
Emotionally I see a future where I'm happy again my own but the biggest hurdles I see are

1. how to separate when neither of us can afford to move out until house is sold. For various reasons that in itself will be complicated and won't be quick.
2. how do we tell our teen DC that we are divorcing when we all have to live indefinitely under the same roof?

I feel so trapped and unsure of how to proceed without making the situation worse for DC.
Advice and experiences would be really appreciated.

Bump

I'm sorry to hear that after 35 years together, you're at the end of your marriage. But you sound certain to well put that to one side.

How old are the teens? Big difference between 13 & 19.

will one of you provide a permanent home for them, with them visiting the other parent or are you aiming for 50:50? Split the kids?

can one of you afford/want to keep your current home instead of selling?

Are you both working?

any other relevant information?

DC are 20 (student) and 16
Assuming they would live with me
One can't afford to buy other out
Both of us working full time on pretty basic wage

We told our DC of 22 and 23 last summer. We just said that we'd decided we'd both be happier if we split up but that nothing would change immediately and we'd be as amicable as possible in the house until we were in a position to split properly.

Explained that they'd still have a home while they needed it and we'd always have a family bond and put them first, be able to attend important things together etc.

We are only now (for various reasons) at the point where seperate homes are coming close. I'm not saying it's been easy, but we've managed a civil and not too stressful environment in the meantime as we both agree it's over and we can see the future coming.

I'm really sorry that you are also going through this. It's pretty shit to try to unravel shared lives of such a long term but I'm sure you will be happier ultimately. I just keep holding onto that thought.

@BigBoysDontCry that is really encouraging to read and sounds very similar to our situation.
The house is large enough to have separate bedrooms but I'm not sure DH could be trusted to stay civil whilst we tried to sell.

Don't get me wrong, there are definitely days where I'd happily send him on his way in a body bag and I'm sure he feels the same, but we keep a lid on things as we don't want a miserable house for DC.

We are similar in terms of house size but are also lucky that we have enough social space to spread out too. I'm also lucky in that I'm able to buy him out rather than both move, but as I'm in my late 50s I'm now needing to take out a mortgage as well as taking money from my pension.

Hopefully DSs will be able to be financially independent and are able to house themselves in a few years and I can sell and downsize.

Good luck with it all and I hope your ex can learn to make the most of the situation for the DC in the meantime.

I'm actually going to view a property with ex next week, his choice as he'd like a 2nd opinion.

I'll have to be fair and not just say it's great to get him out faster...

I also meant to say it would be good to tell them together and I try very hard not to moan about him to or in earshot of the DC. At the end of the day they will have to decide on their own relationship with each other and they are old enough to make their own opinions and judgement. I maintain a dignified silence.

It's clear though that they would prefer to live with me.

I hadn't considered taking money from my pension. It wouldn't be a huge amount but could allow me to get somewhere small with a mortgage.
Have you engaged a solicitor @BigBoysDontCry or are you deal with finances yourself?

I've not engaged anyone yet. We will agree the finances ourselves. This weekend in fact. But we will need to do something official quickly if he likes this property or something else soon. I need to have his name off the deeds in order to get a mortgage on the current house.

We will agree everything ourselves. He's keen to be "fair". To me fair is a different concept to equal. His fair won't be fair in my eyes so I think we need to stick with equal.

I've always been the higher earner and contributed more in every way. I paid the mortgage off with funds from an early retiral as well as money from when my mum died. It sticks in my throat that I'm now the one having to a get a mortgage into retirement, work longer and raid my pension while he walks away to sit in his mortgage free flat.

I'm trying to look at the bigger picture though and looking forward to having the house to myself with a few extra chores whereas he'll get a shock. I laugh when imagining him having to think about what to have for dinner every night for the rest of his life. Unless of course he gets a new partner.

He says he's not interested and I'm not either, but he's needier than me so I mean it, not sure about him, that'll be someone else's problem I guess, but he'd better sort out leaving everything he has at the time of our split to our boys or I'll dig the fucker up and make him pay... 😂😂

How do you think you'll get on with the split, any chance it will be amicable? Have you engaged anyone yet?

Unless the lawyer deals with everything and charges accordingly, there is going to have to be an element of trust. I can't give him everything in terms of a cash settlement until I get the mortgage but can possibly get enough together to allow him to buy somewhere using what will be some of his share of savings. So I might be paying out money while his name is still on the deeds and he might have his name removed before he has his share of the money.

As much as we have major relationship issues, it's never been over money, or affairs or other trust related points so I think we are in a good position that way. He may not have a decent relationship with his DC but I know that he would prioritise them in the same way I would.