...that my husband has been texting and calling the ex wife of a long time friend of ours. Lots of love heart emojis etc according to my 16 year old who has known since November as he is often in the car with my husband. Phone calls that end abruptly or 'can't talk now' when he's in the car and he has seen the same name flash up multiple times. This came out on Sunday when my husband and youngest were having a bit of an argument.
I don't quite know how I feel. Angry that my already anxious teen has had to keep this in for months. Shocked obvs, as I had absolutely no idea, who with was completely out of the blue and timing, well, my mother died suddenly last summer, I'm trying different HRT as I have been feeling down, our lovely old dog was PTS a month ago, eldest has left home and have recently found out that my dad has cancer. He left the army 9 years ago (without discussing it with me) and pursued a new career which has ended up with him in London two nights per week. have been basically handed a very small life in a place I would not choose to live and left to make the best of it. I have made some lovely friends but this is not where I would choose to be.
Thing is, I am not as upset as I thought I would be. I'm upset of course, humiliated but more sort of numb especially as I have only confided in one person who is at a distance and feel that I am avoiding anyone locally. The other person is physically completely the opposite to me, a successful business woman with a wealthy family, etc so I am fighting those feelings of inadequacy too.
Subconsciously though I think I have been fed up for a while, being the one at home to keep everything running while he pursues a career, travel, socialises with work etc and never has to check whether it works for me because I am always here. I have pointed this out to him and he just says, it's my job, I pay for the house etc. Have been feeling trapped, quite bored and lonely, unfulfilled on all levels. Presumably if he hadn't been 'outted' this, whatever it is, would still be going on and might have developed into something physical. I am wondering whether his behaviour is a way of getting out of this relationship without having to be the one to make the decision.
I am completely dependent on him financially, we don't have a lot, more than some but not enough to maintain two households, we don't have holidays etc but don't struggle today the bills. I have done some ad hoc and part time teaching over the years to fit in with the kids and animals as I was on my own most of the week (I have always struggled with this and did it to please my parents basically) and finally, with one flown the nest I'm on a course which I have waited for a long time to do and was planning to set up on my own. This was finally time for me to do what I wanted and would have been a chance to boost our income if I could find some clients but help do up our own cottage too. I don't know if I will ever earn enough to be independent and at nearly 52 it all seems very daunting.
IMaybe this is the catalyst for change. He says he will change but has yet to say sorry. I am not attracted to him and actually don't even like the idea of going out for a meal together let alone a holiday together. We don't enjoy doing the same things at all. Of course he has said we can move wherever I want to and he will change to be with me but this is just not realistic and we risk being equally unhappy after a huge amount of expensive upheaval.
I thought this dissatisfaction was down to hormones and the realisation that life is just too short since my mother died but maybe is something more. I can't bear the idea of living with someone that I either a) am always doubting or b) feel such a disconnect that I don't care what he does and c) would only be there for the financial security which is not respectful or dignified for either of us but without any money I feel I have little choice. 😕