Is it possible to remain amicable when involving solicitors?

[SquishyElbows]

Husband and I still live together and will do until divorce is finalised, hopefully in September. I'm about to instruct solicitors to represent me and he will use his own to help us split our finances.

We both want it to be amicable. Am I nieve to think that we can make it continue like this when we both have our solicitors going head to head?

I hate the thought of living in an hostile home. But I don't want that to fuel me being a pushover to get my fair share. We have two kids. 8 & 4

I'd love to hear experiences where it's gone smooth.

Solicitors or not, if you don't agree on the split then it's likely that it won't be amicable

Neither of us want to go to court about it. So I do think we will agree on something before that.

It can cause problems. Let's say you agree a 50/50 split informally (not saying that's right for you, just as a start). Then your solicitor says you might get a court to say it should be 60% to you, and your solicitor needs to act on your best interests. Your partner won't move from 50/50. So, you have a difficult decision to make, and if you both contest it you might spend £20k+ on solicitor fees (maybe even enough to wipe out any gains from getting, say 55% in the end). That wouldn't likely be amicable!

@UnemployedNotRetired yeah. I don't think either of us would be silly enough to continue to fight for it if it ends up costing more than we would gain. I can imagine that it may go back and forth once or twice.

I don't think it's as straightforward as @UnemployedNotRetired suggests. I'm getting divorced. STBX is the much higher earner. We both have lawyers, went to mediation and I had no expectation at all that we'd agree a deal, because STBX wouldn't budge from 50/50. Mediator brought common sense and legal principles to the table. We've ended up agreeing a deal which will still leave me on the bones of my arse, but is a bit better than 50/50. The mediator told me that if I accepted it, my lawyer would require me to sign a disclaimer saying I'd taken it despite the legal advice I'd had. So I asked if they were saying it was a bad deal. They said: can't say that. It's at the bottom end of what a court would order, but if you go to court that's another 18 months from here to final hearing, and by that time you'll have spent so much more on legal costs - which gets deducted from the capital available to divide - that you'll probably end up with more percentage-wise but in money terms, a lower number. So it's whether you'd rather see your money go to lawyers, or take a lowball offer.

Unfortunately this is how it is most of the time. Litigation is a risk and an expensive one at that.

It depends on where your point of negotiation is. When women go 50/50 because that's fair, it doesn't take into account the pay gap they usually have from maternity leave, or the loss of promotion opportunities because they have been and will continue to be the default main carer. They will be the ones taking off holidays, picking up sick kids at school, etc. if you both have this responsibility equally, and 50/50 on child care, and have not had any career impediments, 50/50 is great. If you're likely to never be able to progress in a career because all the during the week childcare is up to you going forward, and your promotion opportunities lessened, then it should be a higher split to you.

It’s perfectly possible to progress career wise and go up the pay scales with children as I and many do. It’s a myth that you cant

that said, it’s possible to be amicable op but it depends on

realistic and “fair’ expectations ( eg one party expecting 90% and never yo work again and the other to fund that, or one party having £1m pension they refuse to share etc, means you’ll likely never be amicable.

but if you are not too far apart, can compromise and negotiate realising you’ll both likely neither get what you want and will both be worse off, you can achieve it

@millymollymoomoo - I agree- depending on your career. Also it depends on having access to childcare, after/ before school care, etc though- I don't believe it's a straight forward as anyone can, and relies on both parties being involved in childcare needs. If you have to leave for work at 7am and don't return until 7pm, that takes a fair bit of work to organise, and childcare.

OP have a read on www.resolution.org.uk

Good starting point for finding solicitors and agreeing on a mediator.

“Resolution was founded in 1982 by a group of family lawyers who believed that a non-confrontational approach to family law issues would produce better outcomes for separating families and their children.”

Have you seen the company amicable.io? If you're in UK, their premise is all about not making it get all legal and nasty. A friend used them and was positive and these reviews make me want to give it a shot https://uk.trustpilot.com/review/amicable.io