Any mums have a child that didn’t want to live with them?

[WhyWhyY]

I’ve been turning this eventuality over in my head a lot, once I announce my leaving to partner and we talk to the kids, I fully expect that the children will want to live with their dad. It’s also going to be closer to their school and friends than I can afford to live.

He’s very well off and the house and lifestyle is 100x the one I could offer

so my question is, are any of you mums living with the fact that your child (ren) were better off with their dad?

nice topic for Mother’s Day but doesn’t it follow the theme how we always try to do what’s best for them?

No experience on this, but didn’t want to leave it unanswered.

They might surprise you! Children are usually far more astute than parents given them credit for.

Would he want them more of them time than you? You sound very matter of fact about it, but it must be hard to consider.

If you are married, you will split assets 50/50 (usually), so you may have more than you think to purchase a property. My ex used the 'The kids may well choose to live with me when they're 16' line, but it didn't happen and the children split their time equally and follow the 50/50 routine. We do live fairly close to each other and that really helps.

Please don't think like that.The children need both their mum and their dad to play bug roles in their lives

My experience is children want both their parents and want the parents to sort it out so they don't have to choose.

When you divorce the settlement will be "equitable" arrangements for children so if there is a big income disparity you might get more of the assets so you can buy a similar standard property. You need to speak to a solicitor really to find out what's possible for you.

Want them, yea definitely. Actually have time for them, no.

im trying hard to be matter of fact, I don’t feel that way, it’s the easiest way to go forward. I can’t imagine what I’d Do without them around.

Thanks all, but we’re not married.

Interesting point you make about parents deciding for them, I thought it would be best to let them pick but in reality that is a lot of pressure.

Sorry it has come to this. Unless they are around 15 plus....I also think the adults should decide what is best. Too much pressure for kids to make the choice. Equally they might not see all the implications of their choice. E.g. kids need parents around still. Not just convenience. However, I am sure you would take their wishes into account when making that decision, as things like ability to get to school and proximity to friends are important too.
Good luck.

No, don’t let them pick- that’s really unfair on them. I wouldn’t agree to anything less than 50-50. The fact he has a bigger house is neither here nor there, nor is the school (assuming everyone lives close enough that they can actually get there). There will be pros and cons to both houses. I wouldn’t even entertain the idea that they live with him for a shorter journey to school- your relationship with your kids is worth more than that.

Is there some background here? I’m surprised that you’re even considering this.

I'm a single dad to two boys and they both live with me full time

It works well

My ex see's them whenever she wants and I make arrangements for her to have them when I want to go out

It helps massively that we are on good terms

During the divorce we made an agreement financially and when it was decided we were going to divorce we just got on with it - no point dragging stuff out we would both just lose in the long run

Financially they are both a lot better off with me, it's not even close

Im probably carrying how I feel into the equation maybe?
Big house, no mortgage, flashy car, great job, anything the kids want, walking distance to school and friends, safe area
or
little house, bill struggles as everyone usually has, old car, only what I can afford to give the kids, 30min journey to school nowhere near friends and not as nice an area

50/50 could work that way play they’d miss their friends etc on only some days. Maybe the weekend at their dads so they can socialise easier.

I guess I have to cross the awful bridge of talking to him about it soon, but I’d wanted to secure my new home more before doing so in case he does the inevitable of kicking me out.

I'm wondering why you will have a small house in a less desirable area while he gets the matrimonial home with all its conveniences. Are you married?

We’re not married

I was in your sitúation, I left to live in a small flat away from our home town, ex dp stayed in the large 4 bed in our home town. DS (12) got sick of the travel to school, being away from his mates etc so went to live primarily with dad. It nearly broke me, I was devastated even though DS was still with me 3 days/nights a week. Fast forward 15 years DS and I have a fabulous relationship and see each other a lot.

How old are the kids? Primary school with dependence on parents for getting to and from places (and who has that job given working hours etc), versus secondary and fairly independent and mobile? If Primary are they changing to Secondary soon, so this is just a short-term issue, and actually the bigger battle is where they live for Secondary? I'd look at the long term options as well as the immediate aftermath of the split.

As a kid whose parents split up in an uneven financial situation don't underestimate your kids and assume they will be swayed by money. Friendships, yes thats a biggie, so consider any changes to their activities like do they need to change sports team/cubs/etc depending if they live with you? If so how can that be addressed even with access nights lining up with when those activities are on.

There's an undercurrent of it not being amicably but hopefully you and DP can come up with something that works for them. Do you have to commit to a new home before telling him or any chance of a discussion about finances first - even if you weren't married?

You are massively undervaluing the importance of your relationship with your children to their well being. That is much more important than a big house.

I’d really urge you not to step back out of a misplaced idea that it will be better for your children to live with their father. It’s not true and it might be taken by them as you not being bothered, which is not the case.

I was 14 when my parents were getting a divorce. I was asked who I wanted to live with and I said with my dad. Why? A very reasonable reason. My dad had a career and had stability. My mom was a sahm and was just returning to work. She needed to build her life. I believed it would be easier without me. I loved both my parents and it was reasonable decision. My mom thought I didn't love her. I explained my reasons. In the end, they did not divorce at that time.
I am now a sahm and I said this to my husband. He is a great father. And I would need to rebuild my career and life.

Good points to consider, all of you

Partner definitely won’t help me out, he’s not the type. That’s why I want to leave telling him I’m buying my own home until as late as possible because he’s already tried to throw me out a few times.

children can stay doing everything within reason, I’d drive them as much as I was able to and even though it’s a fair drive it’s an easy one so not arduous at all.

I get your point about not stepping out of the race. Thank you

Remember that there are a lot of options. Perhaps you and ex could do mediation. Even if they do indeed want to usually live/sleep at your parents home, you could agree that you do dinners and bedtimes there a couple of nights a week (I'm sure your soon to be ex will enjoy the chance to go out to do hobbies or gym or dates)

Also are you sure he'd want the kids full time? Sounds like hard work - he might prefer they do 50/50 at your new place

They could also come for dinner at yours then you drop them back etc

You're their mum they know you love them so much and you are their safe space , not just their physical house

I can’t imagine it will go that way. He’s already started making my life as miserable and difficult as possible.

"My experience is children want both their parents and want the parents to sort it out so they don't have to choose."

This. And they also want them to get on together. Easier said than done when exH was a gaslighting narcissist bastard. I've waited over 20yrs, in dignified silence for the children's sake, for karma to reap its rewards 😜

You are extremely lucky to be in this position. It's very different when the person instigating the split has had an affair with another person and turned the lives of the OH upside down. And in my case, behaved like a narcissistic, gaslighting, maniac.

I have a friend who spent 50:50 with parents. When he was 16 he said he wanted to spend 100% in one house. But he couldn’t choose. He didn’t want to upset either parent. He was just fed up living in two houses. His parents helped him but they do get on and one parent did have to massively compromise.

you will get child mtnce even on a 50:50 because of the unequal incomes. Would that help you?

Re: child maintenance … Not really on buying the house. The difference on a 2 bedroom house is around 80-90k
but in running it so it’s be a little less worrisome to live in, I guess so.

my thinking on maintenance was if I asked for any it would trigger a fight between us.