How do I make this happen?

[knackeredincali]

I have a very weird situation. Live as an expat with my husband and 2.5 year old son. Husband has been in and out of work the whole time we have been married and has never settled here. I'm main breadwinner and am paying all the bills. Luckily we have a pre nup where I don't have to pay him maintenance if we divorce but that doesn't cover anything to do with our children. Husband is emotionally abusive and moody, subjecting the house to good days and shit days. He can be very disrespectful and nasty, talking to me with real contempt. He gets irritated by toddler whinging and has manipulated me into covering every bedtime so as not so subject DS to his terrible and damaging attitude and approach. DS cries for me of DH takes him for a bath, which is the only bit of bedtime he will do. Whinging irritates husband even more and he reacts angrily and shows no empathy. He does not pull his weight with our child even though I work extremely long hours and he has no job. Son is in nursery and has a nanny, all paid for by me. I feel dead most of the time and like I am going through the motions, giving every last sinew of myself to keep us on an even keel. Having been clear I needed to leave him for over 2 years i finally told him i wanted to separate on Friday. He told me he doesn't agree. He has no money to move out, and all of my money is committed in paying the mortgage and all our bills. So now we are living under the same roof but sleeping on separate rooms. I can already see he intends to make this difficult. And he is now being cordial and nice (he despises me-well his actions say he does-so I do not trust this behaviour) which is now making me doubt myself. I feel I should just rent a flat for him and shove him in it until we can sell our house, even if it means going jnto debt.

Any advice? I'm really confused and part of me wonders if I just put up with the shit marriage to avoid all this hassle. It's going to take months to unravel this and be unbearably sad.

Yes it will take time, but the sooner you start, the sooner it will be over.

What country are you in?

agree that the sooner you do it the better- otherwise he won’t work for the next 20 yrs then you’ll really be screwed.

the pre nup may be disregarded especially if it was written pre children

get some legal advice

Rent him a room in a shared house. He can visit DC whilst the nanny is there? Worth a try.

Press on with the divorce asap.

It would be useful to know what country you are in and where you got married. You are not in a weird situation. The marriage has ended. You now have to settle a lot of things, one of which is where he will live.

He doesn’t have to move out of his home and you shouldn’t make proposals without talking to a lawyer first. You can live together whilst getting divorced which is better than living together whilst not getting divorced. Start by financially separating to the extent you can. For example asking him to fund part of the household bills. But be mindful of the children who don’t need to be in the middle of your problems.

You are going to have to speak to him about the future. It’s better to do that without slipping into a rehash of the past and finger pointing.

A divorce is like any other legal situation. It gets expensive and messy if one or both of you are not getting proper advice and making your own rules. Or worse getting advice off social media. See a lawyer.

Living in the US, in California.

We're in California. We got married in the UK. Prenup and post up covers both jurisdictions. Our finances are already totally separate; he is an additional card holder on my credit card which I pay off every month. So I cover all his living expenses and he uses the dole for pocket money. He doesn't pay any material household bills today and I don't think he will expect to in the future. He is showing no drive to get a job. He will react very badly to being pressured or to the financial position changing without having time to resolve his own situation.

California and the UK have very different divorce laws when it comes to prenups. You need legal advice not social media advice.

Both jurisdictions are no fault so just focus on the financial.

@knackeredincali go and see a lawyer who experience of divorce in both jurisdictions. There are very different positions taken in both and pre nups are interesting but not binding in the UK.

I would recommend you looking at how you can move house to give him sufficient capital get somewhere to live. I assume he has a right to work in US that's not dependent on your visa?

Firstly - he will never get a job
Second - this controlling behaviour isn't just abusive to you, it is to DC. This emotional abuse to a child or will be. Your DC will grow up in fear of everything. Of being yelled at if they drop something, don't want to do something.
Been there, done that. Got the teenage daughter who wants nothing to do with their father. And on occasion the learned behaviour.

You stbxh id a grown up, an adult. They can manage their own finances and take responsibility for their own behaviour. They are not your responsibility.

Take legal advice first, but why on earth aren't you cutting off his credit card? Dies he do any household tasks?