In shock and confused

[Imgoingoutforawhile]

I have name changed as I don’t want this linked to my other posts.

My husband has just told me he’s leaving me, hasn’t been happy for years, loves me but is not IN love with me.

I had no idea he was so unhappy. I feel betrayed that he never talked this through with me so we could try and make it work.

Been together 12 years, married nearly 7.
I have two kids, 17 and 20, from a previous relationship, they don’t see their bio father.

I’m devastated. He’s honestly the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever known and I love him very much.

He’s obviously been thinking about this for a while as he’s told me that it’s better to spilt assets on separation rather than on divorce and that divorce can all be done online now without a court etc. I had no idea about any of it.

We don’t own our home, we rent and I wouldn’t be able to afford the rent on my own (older DC at uni, younger DC doing A levels) the furniture is all ours.
He has a large amount of savings as we’ve been saving a house deposit. I have a small amount of savings. He earns around 5 times more than me that’s why he has so much more.

He says we would just spilt the savings on half and then if I keep the car, the furniture etc he would take the money for that off my half, does that make sense and is that right?

My head is spinning and I can’t think straight

[olderbutwiser]

Do not rush into the financial negotiations - give yourself time for your head to clear a little and to work through some of the storm of emotions. Find a friend and have a good outpouring about the relationship first. This is not the moment to be making decisions that could affect your future stability. He’s had time to plan, make sure you have time to think too.

[DistinguishedSocialCommentator]

I bet you he has someone on the side, could be the same sex or opposite sex

The number of times I've heard that bS, "I love you but not IN love with you."


They will add for good measure " I don't want you to suffer so happy share everything we had - they often come backed once the their new OH cheats on them or goes back to their ex

Give it time, you'll soon find out the truth

[DistinguishedSocialCommentator]

BTW - if your parents are still alive, please talk to them

[Imgoingoutforawhile]

He definitely doesn’t have someone else, he never goes anywhere, he works from home and hardly goes out, he’s such a home body.
My mum is alive but she’s the last person I’d talk to about anything as she only ever makes things about herself.

Thanks @olderbutwiser I definitely need time as at the moment I can’t stop crying but he’s put all these practical thoughts in my head and I don’t know what I’m to do

[p1ppyL0ngstocking]

He's got another woman.

Speak to a solicitor, find out what you're entitled to and get him agree to that whilst he's still in the guilty phase (don't forget his pension).

You may not believe it now, but in six months time he won't be so amenable, so get the financial agreement drawn up ASAP and then deal with your emotions afterwards.

Apologies for being blunt but that's what you need to do.

[LittleGreenDragons]

He says we would just spilt the savings on half and then if I keep the car, the furniture etc he would take the money for that off my half, does that make sense and is that right?

Has he mentioned splitting his pension with you too? That's part of the asset pot. And do you actually want to keep all the furniture, and how are you going to value it? Bet most of it could be found on free cycle if it's more than five years old. How are you going to value the car, and do you want it?

Find a solicitor for a one off consultation before you agree to anything. Know your rights.

[Imgoingoutforawhile]

Pension hasn’t been mentioned, why would I be entitled to any of that? We are only in our 40s so don’t get pension yet?

[Resilience]

I'm so sorry. 💐

Definitely don't allow yourself to be rushed. Your H is much further down the line than you when it comes to the process of emotionally detaching and considering practicalities. You need time to catch up.

IME it is rare for a man to initiate separation unless there's someone else involved or some other factors at play. Ultimately, it doesn't matter and don't waste your time speculating on the 'reason' for this as it will drive you mad. However, just keep it at the back of your mind that there may be someone else so that it doesn't blindside you if it comes out later. It may be an online emotional affair with a colleague that you might never know about so don't start looking for signs of an affair-again it will drive you mad and will have no influence whatsoever over splitting assets legally.

For now you need support. Ask your H to give you space to process. Cry/rage/talk with friends and family. See a solicitor. Make plans and only then discuss terms.

[TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe]

Oh poor you, OP. It sounds like you've been absolutely blindsided.

Look at your thread title though and you'll know that shocked and confused is NOT the state you ought to be in to make significant decisions.

As you said, he's clearly been planning this. He's had time to do his research and to work out what's best for him. You deserve that too.

Don't rush into any decisions until you have proper legal advice. He can't just lob some old furniture at you and toddle off into the sunset.

[JamNittyGritty]

So sorry, such a shock. I agree with PP - do not agree to anything at this stage. Tell him you need a bit of time to get your head round what’s happening. Ask him to move out so you have the space to clear your head.

If you don’t want to go down the solicitor route then try a mediator - used one to work through finances when ex and I divorced and she was brilliant. They cannot sign off on any agreement that is not fair and all finances / pensions etc are looked at and worked through. You do have to be able to be in the same room and talk about things together but it’s very supported and guided.

[Fraaahnces]

Online girlfriend. Recipe for disaster.

[LittleGreenDragons]

@Imgoingoutforawhile

Pension hasn’t been mentioned, why would I be entitled to any of that? We are only in our 40s so don’t get pension yet?

Edited

You are legally entitled to your share of it. All assets - savings, investments, bitcoin, pensions, cars, bikes, caravans, houses, art, absolutely anything of value, are thrown into the assets pot and divided. He might have forgotten that or he might be trying it on.

Speak to a solicitor.

[Candleabra]

@Imgoingoutforawhile

Pension hasn’t been mentioned, why would I be entitled to any of that? We are only in our 40s so don’t get pension yet?

Edited

He won’t be getting any payments. It’s the pension pot you need to have valued now - the money already invested to fund retirement.
He’ll need to have it valued as an asset (and you will too if you have a workplace or personal pension)

[CurlsnSunshinetime4tea]

i'm sorry op but pensions and your entitlement to a portion of that is very important to your future finacial health. yes he was able to put away precisely because you were helping the "family unit" in other ways.
pensions are valuable for their future worth, and sums put away 12 years ago or 7 will have generated interest. anyway you need to brush up on this aspect of personal finances for the eventual divorce and for yourself in the near future.
Now "furniture" think long and hard, this stuff is hard to sell often near worthless, and IF you end up living elsewhere it may be smaller and you may be moving on your own with little help. Just pointing out this generous offer may not be such a great deal in 6 months time.

[Doyoumind]

He's clearly a lot more clued up on the financial side of divorce than you and it sounds like he's trying to hurry things through so you don't get what you're entitled to. You definitely need legal advice.

[warmheartcoldfeet]

Just

What a horrible shock. Take good care of yourself. Ask you kids for some TLC and to gather round. You sound like you need it

[SemperIdem]

I’m so sorry, your pain is palpable in your posts.

I agree with pp’s who have advised you don’t rush to any financial agreements.

[Babyroobs]

It would perhaps be worthwhile speaking to a solicitor.
At least you don't have a jointly owned house that you need to think about selling. If you are low paid you may get some Universal credit ( unless your savings are over 16k ) to help with rent etc whilst you still have one dependent child in education so you could look into that. Obviously there's no Cm to discuss if the kids aren't biologically his. It should be fairly straightforward to divide assets but do make sure it is done fairly.

[CandidHedgehog]

I’m sorry this has happened.

If you rent, his pension pot is likely to be the largest family asset. Do not let him trick you into agreeing not to take any of it.

https://www.royallondon.com/guides-tools/life-events/divorce-separation/divorce-pensions/

If you are both in your 40s and he’s been contributing since he started work a pension could be worth literally hundreds of thousands. Of course he may not have one but it’s definitely worth checking.

Is he self employed? Whether he is or not, you need to get details of his assets. It wouldn’t surprise me if he has savings stashed elsewhere.

You’ve been used to thinking of him as your ‘team’. He’s now your opponent. You cannot trust him to do what is best for you. You need to get into that mindset.

[Jonathan70]

As the other posters have said, don’t rush into anything or agree anything without a one off consultation with a solicitor. All assets are included, so both pensions, etc (think of them as a savings account - they can be worth a huge amount of money - you are entitled to a share of what he has accrued during the marriage, as he is yours, if you have one) and, as he earns more, I’d imagine that you’d be entitled to more of the savings/assets and potentially spousal maintenance going forward. His earning potential will be far greater and therefore he will be able to get a larger mortgage or will be in a position to pay more rent. It could be that the split of all assets would be more 60/70% in your favour or some ongoing spousal maintenance. You might keep all the savings and he might keep his pension - it all depends on the whole picture. You’d also be expected to maximise your earnings, see if you can claim anything, etc. Aside from significant items, the furniture wouldn’t really be taken into account in terms of splitting your assets equally and it isn’t true that the value of things should be removed from your share of the savings as he is clearly in the better financial position. You must find out what you’re entitled to - the reason he is saying that assets are split at separation is because he doesn’t want you to share savings, etc he accrues between now and putting in a financial consent order as part of a divorce, which could take time. That isn’t always true. What he isn’t realising is that, when you divorce and apply for your financial order, all his assets, pension and earnings will have to be given and it won’t be signed off if it is clearly weighted heavily in his favour and you haven’t had legal advice. Please get some.
Best wishes to you.

[CremeEggOverload]

In my 17 y on MN, it's almost unheard of for a man to break a relationship or marriage unless there is someone else.

Online women or female colleagues. All likely.

I'm sorry this is happening but take the time to educate yourself on all things financial/divorce. Understand about pension pots. And monitor all joint assets and accounts.

[CandidHedgehog]

@CremeEggOverload

In my 17 y on MN, it's almost unheard of for a man to break a relationship or marriage unless there is someone else.

Online women or female colleagues. All likely.

I'm sorry this is happening but take the time to educate yourself on all things financial/divorce. Understand about pension pots. And monitor all joint assets and accounts.

Agreed. Also, ‘not happy for years’ ‘love you but not in love with you’ - classic claims of a cheating husband.

Best case scenario financially is female colleague (actual relationship with real woman). If he’s fallen for ‘sexy [insert nationality] woman wants to meet you’ met online, he’s going to be funnelling family money towards her at speed (whether she’s real or he just thinks she is).

[EverybodyLTB]

He’s trying to scurry past the finer details so he can give you less. He wants you to agree while you’re still reeling from being blindsided. Half of the savings sounds fair, so he’s creating an illusion of fairness, but who will be valuing furniture etc? You’d be better off selling it all and reevaluating from that standpoint once everything is in a pot. You need to know what’s in his savings as of right now, before he gets rid of it. His pension is part of his assets and so is anything else he owns. If he is expecting to come into inheritance very soon he may be trying to avoid sharing that with you, too. If you really had no clue that he was even unhappy, and he’s never asked for things to change or agreed/asked for therapy etc but had jumped straight to divorce, then he doesn’t have you and your feelings/happiness at the heart of his decision making. Don’t assume he’s doing the right thing, that would be a colossal misjudgment here. Assume he’s thinking for himself, and himself only.

[RickyGervaislovesdogs]

@Doyoumind

He's clearly a lot more clued up on the financial side of divorce than you and it sounds like he's trying to hurry things through so you don't get what you're entitled to. You definitely need legal advice.

^This

I know your reeling and upset, I’m sorry.

You need to look after yourself though 🌷

[Meadowfinch]

OP, at his age, he could have several 000,000 in a pension pot, and as his wife, you are entitled to a share. In fact his suggestion that you should deal with the finances up front, in a hurry, implies he is hiding something.

Don't agree to anything until you have spoken to a solicitor.

It screams 'other woman' to me too.