Breaking up with my baby's Dad - am I being fair? any similar stories?

[eandpsmummy]

I've been with my fiance for 9 years. We split up a week ago over the fact we always bicker & just don't get on anymore. He ended it, he left me. We have a nearly 1 year old daughter together.

I've got a fantastic family support system and am currently living with my amazing supportive parents - but I'm struggling.

He knows I suffer with anxiety and although becoming a mother has been the best thing to ever happen to me, it's also changed me massively. Like any new mum, my priorities, my body, my mind, just everything has changed. I suffer with my moods from lack of sleeping and constant worrying. - he's not once took any of this into consideration, all he goes on about is how he feels, which doesn't feel very valid with me considering he's never done a fatherly duty in the whole of our daughter's life and gets great night's sleep every single night, not to mention he's not once supported me physically or emotionally.

The break up is very raw with me, I have good days and bad days but feeling like it's probably more bad days at the moment. I also suffer massively with anxiety which this break up situation is really not helping.

I'm really worried about my baby's father having her overnight or alone, as he's never ever looked after her in the whole 12 months she's been on this earth - never changed her dirty nappies, never got her to sleep, doesn't know what things she likes or what soothes her when she's upset as every baby is different. Literally done nothing & never even been interested in doing any of it. So him having her alone gives me massive anxiety thinking she won't be in good hands. I've told him he can see her whenever he likes, go anywhere with her, but I must be present for the time being until she's at least 2/3 years old and not as dependent on me. Am I right in asking this? Am I being fair?

It'd be nice if I could hear people's opinions on this and hear anyone else's story that could be similar? As I'm really struggling right now.

If you can’t agree and it goes to court, he will be granted time with her on his own regardless of whether you like it or not. It would be reasonable for you to say that he needs to work with you and build his way up to having her overnight over the course of several weeks and only has her for daytimes initially; but part of being separated parents is that you need to work out a way to effectively co-parent in a way which benefits your daughter - and you trying to prevent him from stepping up as a father for years isn’t co-parenting. You’ll manage to do this on far better terms if you approach it with goodwill than if you start off with your impossible suggestion that he doesn’t get to be a proper parent until she’s three.

I think suggesting he can only see her with you there for the next 2 years is a bit excessive! Certainly to begin I understand your concerns, but to set such a long time limit on it doesn't seem very reasonable. Maybe try for a few weeks/months in the first instance and see how he steps up.

Kindly, if he doesn't do any overnight care for the next 12 months, how will he be ready when your child is 2?

You need to work together and allow solo-time together to slowly build his skills as a father. So that he does have experience and is capable of having your daughter overnight.

Will it feel fair? No! Of course not! But your priority isn't fairness right now. It's ensuring your daughter can have a relationship with her father safely, where her needs are met.

Sorry but youre not being fair at all

yiu need to start letting him take her out - to the park /shops/his house for a few hours at a time without you and build up to afternoons, then days, then overnights over the next few months etc

saying you have to be present( for the next few years!) is not fair and a court , should be take it there will not side with you