Has anyone ?

[TheMushroomFamily]

Has anyone found a way to make their ex step up and have the children ? Not looking for “can’t force someone to be a parent” answers as I’m aware of that but wondering if anyone has found a way? Did you give an ultimatum?

What sort of ultimatum?

I’m not sure I’m asking what others have done.

Nothing works. It doesn’t. Get yourself financially secure, and be there for your children to absorb the fallout of having a shit dad. It’s maybe a cliché, but it’s true. You really can’t force someone to be a decent parent. Ask me how I know 😟

No.

My XH had our DC every other weekend for about a month when they were 4 and 5. He sent me a text when I was picking up our eldest from school to say he wouldn't be having them anymore because 'it didn't suit'. His actual words.

My DC are in their mid 20s now and have never seen him since. Nor do they care.

The only times I’ve heard of this happening is when the ex’s new partner forces the issue. As you can imagine this leads to a host of new, different problems.

He’s not seeing the kids because he’s a man so is only judged by you (his ex partner) and later his kids for doing this and he dgaf enough.

A new partner would mean that he wouldn’t bother at all I laugh when people say a new partner has made their ex step up as that would be the exact opposite in this situation!

What motivates him? If he has them more he potentially pays less maintenance.
would he care if he didn’t see them at all?
you could say it has to be regular or nothing?
or does he care what people think? His friends and family?

No he doesn’t care what people think we have no contact with his friends or family so we don’t see them anyway so out of sight out of mind. He doesn’t pay maintenance anyway.

Is he a good dad when he does have them? If not be glad he's not bothered. If he is tell him your stopping contact and bet he'll be the 1st to say he'll take you to court for access ect

He’s an ok dad when he sees them. He’s not abusive or anything. He would never take me to court.

Yeah not much you can really do. Even if it went to court he won't get punished for not seeing the kids.

What is it that he’s doing that you would like to change, hardly seeing them? Is he paying maintenance?

The brutally honest truth is, you can’t. The only “ultimatum” you could potentially have used is the argument that if he has them 50/50 he won’t have to pay maintenance but if he’s already not paying any then that won’t make any difference to him- put a CMS claim in.

A few of my friends are in this situation and have tried, we’ve come to the conclusion that it must be nice to be a dad and be able to pick and choose when to be a parent, imagine if a mum turned round and said “ahh I’ll just do every other weekend”!

I would LOVE eow… I wouldn’t be complaining about that. He doesn’t have them at all and never has done no overnights nothing. Eow would be a dream.

To have them overnight eow

So you tell him you need an agreement on eow and a night during the week for consistency if he can fuck off as the uncertainty is messing with their heads. Then if he doesn't do it, you resign yourself to the fact you're on your own and try to arrange an alternative.

*or he can fuck off

So put a CMS claim in. Today.

He doesn’t work.

There isn't anything you can do.

As my counsellor told me years ago "if he wanted to he would".

It's hard, but they don't care about that or the effect that it has on the DC. All they care about is their own life and where relevant, keeping their new partner happy.

But isn’t that why they continue to do it as no one challenges them on it? So he can go months without seeing them / messaging them and no one says anything?

i don’t think there’s much you can do, it sounds like he is making no effort to see them as it is. It’s so hard but you may have to accept he is not going to step up and work on surrounding yourself with supportive friends, good babysitters, etc so that you can get some time to yourself occasionally.

Is there a reason he’s not working such as illness or can he just not be bothered?

I can’t afford sitters so that’s not an option and friends wouldn’t provide regular childcare more like if there was an emergency etc which obviously doesn’t happen often/ if at all. He can work he is choosing not to, hasn’t worked in years.

If he’s choosing not to work and choosing not to look after the kids when he's free to do pick ups etc then I can’t think of anything you can do.

so you are working and have kids full time while he sits around doing nothing. What a prick.