Daughter missing dance classes

C36M · 2024-03-02T10:07:32+00:00

My 4 year old daughter has a dance class that she loves on a Saturday morning. She stays with her dad every other full weekend, every other Thursday overnight, and goes to his house every Tuesday for dinner. He usually takes our daughter to her dance class without any problems, but for the past few months he hasn’t been waking up in time to take her. So our daughter ends up disappointed, and I pay for the classes for nothing. These classes are £152 a term as they’re 1.5 hours worth of dance classes every Saturday. I want her to still be able to go, but he makes me feel like it’s a waste of money if he isn’t taking her. What (if anything) can be done

SgtJuneAckland · 02/03/2024 10:09

Why isn't he paying half? Might focus his mind if it's his money being wasted. He clearly isn't bothered about your daughter missing out

Original poster

C36M · 02/03/2024 10:15

SgtJuneAckland · 02/03/2024 10:09

Why isn't he paying half? Might focus his mind if it's his money being wasted. He clearly isn't bothered about your daughter missing out

He thinks these things should be paid using a maintenance. He doesn’t pay for any extras, I messaged him today because he hasn’t taken her again, asking him to pay for the missed lessons, but I think he is still asleep

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SgtJuneAckland · 02/03/2024 10:20

I'd be really worried he is still asleep as your 4 year old won't be

Fraaahnces · 02/03/2024 10:23

I think this needs to be addressed via mediation, etc. WTF is he doing sleeping in when his little girl is staying?

user1494050295 · 02/03/2024 10:23

Can he collect her after dance and you take her. It will miss a change in the routine but if he can’t be bothered nurturing your daughters hobbies.

Original poster

C36M · 02/03/2024 10:24

SgtJuneAckland · 02/03/2024 10:20

I'd be really worried he is still asleep as your 4 year old won't be

My 4 year old is so lazy, it’s always a battle to get her up in the mornings. So I’m pretty sure she is still asleep too

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mintich · 02/03/2024 10:27

I remember when my brother got divorced his lawyer telling him that's its not his weekend or his ex-wife's weekend, but his daughters weekend. This is what your ex needs to realise.
Have you actually been through the courts about your separation? It may seem like a hassle but he'll also be told what he should be paying towards, and how he should be treating your daughter ie making sure she gets to her classes, not spending the morning asleep!

Original poster

C36M · 02/03/2024 10:38

mintich · 02/03/2024 10:27

I remember when my brother got divorced his lawyer telling him that's its not his weekend or his ex-wife's weekend, but his daughters weekend. This is what your ex needs to realise.
Have you actually been through the courts about your separation? It may seem like a hassle but he'll also be told what he should be paying towards, and how he should be treating your daughter ie making sure she gets to her classes, not spending the morning asleep!

Thank you, that’s a good saying.

We have a child arrangements order, because he took me to court for 50/50. I’d really like to avoid court if I can, it cost me over £10,000, and he doesn’t always stick to the order. So I don’t think it would make much difference. I can’t just stop his Friday nights with her to take her to dance myself though, as I’d be breaching the order

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Original poster

C36M · 02/03/2024 10:46

He’s just text to say he’s over slept and taking her out for the day with his cousin. I’m thinking I might have to cancel her dance if this keeps happening 😕

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toastofthetown · 02/03/2024 10:57

Can you rearrange her dance class so it’s on an evening or day that is always with you? If she loves the dance class he should be taking her, but there’s no way for you to make him as he makes the parenting decisions during his time with her. He might think she needs the sleep more than a dance class, and that’s his decision to make. The only thing you can control is what you do during your contact time.

Original poster

C36M · 02/03/2024 11:02

toastofthetown · 02/03/2024 10:57

Can you rearrange her dance class so it’s on an evening or day that is always with you? If she loves the dance class he should be taking her, but there’s no way for you to make him as he makes the parenting decisions during his time with her. He might think she needs the sleep more than a dance class, and that’s his decision to make. The only thing you can control is what you do during your contact time.

Unfortunately I can’t change the day because our daughter goes rainbows on a Friday evening, swimming lesson on a Wednesday
evening, for dinner with her dad on Tuesdays, sleepover with with her dad every other Thursday and on a Monday I work late. Saturday or Sunday is the only day we can fit dance in 🫤

Thank you for suggesting the idea though

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LemonTT · 02/03/2024 18:57

I think you need to take a step back and decide what is important here. I assume you aren’t together because you don’t get on. In which case it is better if you are no longer together because the last thing any child needs is to be around arguing and bitter parents. This applies when you are apart, more so because you need to be able to show they can still have both of you in their life.

Your very young child has a lot going on and maybe that is part of what defines your relationship with her. She and her father are allowed to define a different one. If the dance classes really matter switch them to a day when she is always with you. She can do swimming on the Saturday with you or with him.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 02/03/2024 19:09

He is able to manage his time as he wishes.
You could return to court and maybe reuqets that you collect her and return her.
But that is very very very unlikely to be ordered. She is not at ab age where its a necessity and she is not competing.
He is an active parent and doing things on his time with her. He just doesn't see dance as a priority as many parents do not.

Whattodo112222 · 02/03/2024 19:14

But the daughter enjoys going so surely he should make the effort and get her there?

ilovebreadsauce · 02/03/2024 19:15

The kid is too tired to get up! Her dad is doing the right thing!

Bournetilly · 02/03/2024 19:18

If she loves going he should make the effort and take her but he obviously doesn’t see it as a priority. I wouldn’t be paying that much for her to miss multiple classes.

IMO swimming is the most important so unless she could stop rainbows and go dancing on that day instead she might have to stop dance.

Singleandproud · 02/03/2024 19:23

Honestly as a single mum whose daughter had a routine like yours, drop the dance. It's not essential and she's doing so much. I look back on DDs early years wondering why on earth I had us so over scheduled, I think I was probably trying to over compensate because I didn't want DD to miss out because I was single.

Dds a teen now and it wasn't until COVID enforcing a break when I saw just how shattered she was with everything. Taking the break and cutting back helped me too as I was suddenly much less stressed even though I hadn't realised it before.

In terms of activities when separated you either offer to pick her up and take her and drop her back. Offer to have her after they've had dinner on Friday so he can sleep in, or she misses classes which with dance and shows as she progresses will be a no goer she'll be expected to be there 100%

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 02/03/2024 19:34

Whattodo112222 · 02/03/2024 19:14

But the daughter enjoys going so surely he should make the effort and get her there?

That's for him to weigh up and decide.

LIZS · 02/03/2024 19:38

That is a lot of activities for a 4 yo on top of overnights and tea. Either Friday Rainbow or Saturday Dance for timebeing.

Marblessolveeverything · 02/03/2024 20:06

That is a lot of activities for a four year old. If dance is important to her then swap with one of the other activities.

If she is sleeping late there she probably could do with down time on weekends to recharge. Down time is important too. Given the number of activities I don't see court mandating an early morning dance class.

Original poster

C36M · 02/03/2024 22:10

LemonTT · 02/03/2024 18:57

I think you need to take a step back and decide what is important here. I assume you aren’t together because you don’t get on. In which case it is better if you are no longer together because the last thing any child needs is to be around arguing and bitter parents. This applies when you are apart, more so because you need to be able to show they can still have both of you in their life.

Your very young child has a lot going on and maybe that is part of what defines your relationship with her. She and her father are allowed to define a different one. If the dance classes really matter switch them to a day when she is always with you. She can do swimming on the Saturday with you or with him.

If I change swimming to Saturday though, what is the difference? She will still have to miss out on something she loves, the only difference is swimming is a life saving skill. I’m going to think about cancelling dance for now I think

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Original poster

C36M · 02/03/2024 22:12

ilovebreadsauce · 02/03/2024 19:15

The kid is too tired to get up! Her dad is doing the right thing!

She’s not too tired, she’s just always been a child that sleeps in. She goes to bed at 7:30-8pm. Today they slept in until 10:40. She gets plenty of sleep

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Original poster

C36M · 02/03/2024 22:16

Marblessolveeverything · 02/03/2024 20:06

That is a lot of activities for a four year old. If dance is important to her then swap with one of the other activities.

If she is sleeping late there she probably could do with down time on weekends to recharge. Down time is important too. Given the number of activities I don't see court mandating an early morning dance class.

Dance starts at 10, so not early. But I’m going to look to cancel the dance classes. It’s a shame, because when I signed her up he was all for it, said he’d take her on his weeks and she really loves it. I might call them and see if she can attend every other week and reduce the cost, but I imagine that is unlikely

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MrsKintner · 02/03/2024 22:18

Although it's annoying he isn't taking her, she has a very packed schedule for a 4 year old and definitely needs to be allowed to sleep at the weekends.
I would cancel the dance classes too, maybe consider again in a year.

Marblessolveeverything · 02/03/2024 23:37

@C36M I am sorry but to me 10 is early for the weekend. I feel it is so important when childrens week is so busy that weekends are chill. When we work full time and our days are scheduled from 7- 9 five days a week, two days of chill are crucial.

I made a conscious decision a number of years ago to operate weekends on a nothing before lunch time to allow for a slow chill time. It has provided a welcome relief to myself and children.

I highly recommend it, it facilitates wellbeing and quality time.