Advice for a father going through a divorce that the wife left home

[PurpleMonkey76]

Married 15 years, together 20, wife left the family home 10 weeks ago, leaving me (husband) and 2 children 8 and 13, citing she was unhappy. believed she would come back and depression was to blame, seems she has met someone else and denies it.

Divorce is now being pushed though, I am currently sole carer to both children, mortgage and bills and food all paid by myself. she has removed her salary from joint account, pays min amount towards kids (less than CSA recommendations)

I owned a house prior to us meeting, she eventually moved in, married and had a child, then sold my original house to a bigger house and had 2nd child. my equity from my 1st house i bought alone paid the deposit for the 2nd house, also soley in my name (she had bad credit)

she earnt min wage into 4 years ago, so paid vastly less towards bills, holidays home etc. that wasnt a problem, i loved her.

Now she is asking for half the equity in the current house but would like me to keep it for the children so we dont both more to less faverable areas.

realisticly I could poss raise 30% of the equity which i feel is fair due to her lower contributions throughout the marriage, me putting the deposit down at the start and me also still paying solo ont he current mortgage since she left.

I would also like to keep the kids at least 5 nights of the 7, ive always been the main carer, school runs, homework, chores playing with them etc.

In the process of drafting up a letter of mediation to her before we end up getting solicitors involved at a cost to us both which ultimately takes it away from the kids.

not sure what im actually asking here really, just advice, i never thought she would not be in love with me and ever just leave me and the kids.

thanks

A mother never leaves her children. My advice would be try to minimise the effect on yourself and the children by coming to term with it asap. Then get a 30 min free consultation with a solicitor and possibly agree on a fixed fee later on.
Start divorce proceedings (online its easier and cheaper) https://hmcts-access.service.gov.uk and start applying for financial order while waiting for the conditional order.

The deposit you paid doesn't count i am afraid. Everything owned during marriage will be split 50/50 but you can argue for more in your favour as you have the children.

Good luck

Everything owned during marriage may well not be split 50:50! Op could be awarded more or less based on needs and many other factors ( but not who paid what )

and mothers DO leave children

op you should seek some legal
advise

It sounds like despite the challenges you have an idea what could work best for the kids etc.
I'd really advise to see a solicitor about this.
My advice is that you will need a financial consent order as well as the divorce.
My partner had a tricky divorce with his ex but I truly believe the legal bills- for both of them- were worth it.
Hope the kids are doing okay, this is never easy.

This is not strictly true.

My ex's first wife was able to negotiate that her deposit from the purchase of their first house was returned before the equity was split and the court agreed it. They were together from being 16 til they were in their late 30's.

And women do leave their kids...you are talking rubbish!

@JKM66 🙄🙄 clearly some women DO leave their children. Not very helpful.

Op, you need some good legal advice here. Good luck.

You would be entitled to more than 50% if you are predominantly housing the children and have contributed more since she stopped paying the mortgage however she is entitled to half of everything including pensions as you married. The fact you owned a house previously is unfortunately irrelevant.

i suggest you go through CMS to get paid the full amount monthly. Do not offer a more generous schedule of her having the children than she does now as courts like to keep the status quo

My advice is to separate the 2 issues.
As much as it is difficult the financial side should not be confused with the custody of the children. Otherwise this is going to be even more painful and difficult for you.

...1. Financial side- splitting the assets, house etc
You are married and this means a starting point of 50/50 split of assets.
Her lower contributions are irrelevant.
You can offer 30%, but if she declines, you.may have to start involving solicitors etc.
Remember, for divorce, it is splitting of all assets - this includes your pension, savings and any other assets you have.
You have to take your heart out of this and think with your head.

....2. Custody of children
Again, remember she fell out of love with you, not the children.
You can offer 5 nights out of 7, it could be she is happy with this, but if she disagrees and wants more or 50/50, then this will have to go through the courts..

Stop trying to work out in you head who gets what. It's up to the courts and they have a template. Start the process, lobby for your fair share in light of the fact the kids live with you. You can do no more.

If your wife is going to have the children overnight, she will need somewhere decent to accommodate them.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation.

Your wife has been gone 10 weeks.. Why the rush?
Why are you facilitating such a rush? It is not in your best interests at all present.

Slow right down, give yourself time to think and take some professional advice.
Doing so will still enable you to reach an amicable agreement, at relatively low cost.

First thing to do is put in a claim for CSA, and ensure the children are adequately provided for going forward.

Secondly, do not exchange any agreements for now. Take some legal advice. This doesn't mean 'getting in the lawyers'. Explore lots of options and scenarios between you and write them all down.

You could start with Wikivorce which is a very useful resource. It is a social enterprise run by volunteers to provide free advice and support through the divorce process. Learn as much as you can about the process and the likely options for split of assets, how to plan and share childcare arrangements. This could realistically take months to do thoroughly. Rushing is of no advantage to either of you, or your children.

Later, you could book a one off appointment - or several - with an online/telephone solicitor to talk you through the ideas you have for splitting assets and child arrangements. They could review any agreement you have written up and advise accordingly.

None of these things exclude you from coming to an amicable arrangement, but it will mean you are both more likely to consider and plan for all eventualities and secure a better agreement. Do not rush headlong into a possibly flawed legally binding arrangement, which only later might be regretted.

thank you for the responses so far. there was no reason for her to immediately leave, noone was being abused or in danger, I initially asked to come back and stay in a spare room whilst things could be figured out but it was flatly refused.

I have sent a CSA form off last week, the onus for mortgage, bills etc all lies with me currently, I have an idea what i could offer her, its less than 50% but she did indicate she would like the house to be kept so the kids have a proper home.

I have emailed her a suggestion of what i could afford this morning and my idea when she has herself settled for overnights (children are against this idea) so I will have to await her response and go from there.

Of course some women leave their kids. What a strange thing to say.

Your offer of 30% is way too low and her lack of contribution financially doesn't count when married, she contributed in other ways.

possibly but the kids will mainly stay with me as the primary carer, i need to ensure their routine is as normal as possible, she would not need a 3 bed house as the family home currently is, a 2 bed should be enough if they are only having 1 or 2 nights a week. plus her earning capacity wouldn't afford a 3 bed unless it was in a very deprived area.

Do the courts take into consideration what the kids actually want. surely this is the most important thing here.

This is might be able to help you - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/child-arrangements/ it's a free help guide on the child arrangements process. Really helpful if you can't afford to shell out thousands for solicitor (honestly what they charge is crazy). Do whatever is best for you and your children and take some time for yourself.
I think they may take what your older child wants into account as they're 13 but not so sure about the 8 year old as they're younger.
In case it helps when/if you go to court, some of the case studies/legislation here may help you - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/legislation-governing-your-divorce/ - some are about prioritising what is best for the children so that may help in keeping their routines mostly the same if that's what best for them. Hope this could help x