How to tell abusive ex about new partner living with me? Help pls

[OhDearSarah]

I separated from my husband 5 years ago. We have a daughter, age 6 who lives with me 80% of the time. During the marriage my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive, and worse after I left. To the point that I reported him for assault when he physically restrained me from leaving a room and caused permanent ligament damage (which I then withdrew because of our little girl, I know in hindsight that I should have probably proceeded).

Since then, I have been in a relationship with a lovely man for 3 years. I have introduced my daughter to him slightly over one year ago and they get on well. In the last few months, he has moved in to our flat. My ex-husband also has a new partner, who has met my daughter.

He has told me about his new partner, and that she had met our daughter (albeit months after it had happened and that they were in regular contact, my daughter had already told me so) but I have not told him anything about my new partner, or that he is living with me. Quite honestly, it is because I am scared of him. I know that isn't an excuse, but I actually start shaking at the thought of telling him.

Now to the crunch as such. My daughter has told me that dad was asking about my partner at the weekend (he has obviously figured out I am with someone) and if he was staying over at our house. My daughter told me that she said yes. On pick-up on Sat, my ex-h was livid, though he didn't directly ask me anything.

This is a guy who has punched walls, is extremely verbally abusive and has made threats to kill any new partner I may have in the past. How can I broach this?

I have to tell him, as he will continue now to mine our daughter for info. This is my fault and I have to tell him but I am scared and I don't want him near our house. I haven't been alone with him since the incident where he restrained me 3 years ago. Quite frankly I am scared and I need advice. My partner is supportive of me telling him everything, but I am scared of how ex-h will react.

To add futher pressure, I also have to meet ex-h tomorrow at our daughter's dance competition and he has asked to take our daughter to lunch before/after just now. I suspect the whole intention is to try and come to my house to see if anyone is there/confirm suspicions.

Please please help, any advice at all appreciated.

I think I would send a text to say, 'DD has said you are asking questions about my partner. Is there a reason you feel entitled to this information? Please remember that we each now have separate lives'.

I know you are scared of him, but he cannot do anything to hurt you any longer. If he is unpleasant or abusive, remain calm and tell him that you will only have contact via email, and you will only check it once a week. Just grey rock him. Any contact other than the normal (ie lunch) just politely say, 'That's not convenient I'm afraid'.

Don't offer him any information you don't want him to have. You don't owe him anything. If he's abusive, walk away. Shut the door in his face. Put the phone down.

Is it a very bad idea to do this via phone call? I feel for some reason that text message will make him worse, in terms of blow back. Also he told me about his new partner via phone call.

I think if you do it via a phone call then it gives him the opportunity to be as unpleasant as he likes to you - it literally gives him a voice and you will likely feel shaky and obliged to justify yourself and will end up apologising/giving more information than you want to about the situation in an attempt to soothe him.

If you text, then he has to either ignore it, or answer via text. I wouldn't be having conversations with someone abusive. He will love the opportunity to be nasty to you. Text is far more neutral and if he responds unpleasantly then you have a written record of it that you can keep in case you need evidence in the future about him abusing you. You can keep it short and factual.

It really is absolutely nothing to do with him whatever you are doing. You have been apart for 5 years.

Definitely not a phone call or in person. In fact, I don't think you need to go out of your way to tell him.

This is all about boundaries. If he asks you a direct question, you can answer, but you don't need to elaborate. It's frankly none of his business.