So so lonely

[Cryingemoji]

Hi all,

Is anyone else in the early weeks of separation and want to chat?

I'm so dreadfully lonely. My h announced a month ago that he's leaving me after 25 years & 3dc. He's in the process of finding somewhere to rent.

I'm struggling so much with the lack of communication. We've gone from sharing everything to ignoring each other. Sitting in separate rooms and avoiding any conversation.

Thanks for reading x

That’s so difficult, no advice or help as ill
be on the same journey soon I’m sure

Just wanted to say things will get better in time but it is almost like a grieving process but he should talk to you about it. Can you not ask him to leave or stay with his family as must be awful in same house with no communication. Sending big hugs and you will be ok takes time.

Sending love to everyone tonight. I've been on my own all day and it's rotten.

I've been neglecting this thread.

How is everyone, if anyone is still around?

I'm so weak and kicking myself. I sent the ex a text saying I miss him 😔. He messaged back, but clearly doesn't feel the same. Now I feel like I've shown my cards and given him the upper hand.

I said to him it was normal to miss someone after so many years together. He was my best friend too. I now have no friends and feel so alone and sad....

It is very normal to miss someone, and you were just being honest with him when you texted. You haven’t given him the upper hand or anything so don’t worry about that. All you’ve done is shown that you are a person with feelings and not a cold with an ice heart.

it is a horrible process to go through and emotionally exhausting. It’s easy to be told that you should just get out there and join a club, pick up a hobby etc etc to make new friends (advice I’ve been given 😵‍💫) but it’s hard to find the energy. In my mind it’s better to wait 6 months or so, pick myself up then and go out to find some more friends. Not sure if that is helpful or not…

He doesn't sound like a particularly nice man OP. I'm sorry you feel so bad. Loneliness is a ghastly feeling – like suffocating. For what it's worth, I once heard a therapist say that she'd dealt with dozens of older women who'd divorced a crappy husband. The vast majority, she said, feared they wouldn't cope, but they always did. Time and again she'd had women in your position return for therapy months or years down the line. Often, they would be 'glowing' (her words), and would tell her how angry they felt for not leaving sooner.

Oh yes I feel your pain. Yesterday was the worse day. Only two months in and this is what I have wanted, but boy it's tough. All sorts of emotions go through your mind and it all stems from feeling like a fish out of water and incredibly lovely...... But things had changed and if everything was how it used to be, I suppose I wouldn't be on this thread. Just look after yourself and do want you feel comfortable with for now. When you feel ready then try new things, hobbies, friends, travel. You have plenty of time to adjust. Feel free to message anytime.

Thanks so much for the replies x

@Cryingemoji how are you feeling??
I've been the thread and just want to say I'm six months in post husband leaving.
I resonated with you when you said you felt lonely and told him you missed him. I did the same thing. I even kept one of his t-shirts when he moved out.
I can honestly say time helps and I feel so much better than i did. I'm sleeping, eating and even looking forward to things I have planned.
You to will get there.

Thank you for your reply.

I'm feeling pretty awful right now, it's all so raw. I feel worse now a month on than when he first moved out.

I feel like all this is a terrible mistake and hope he'll change his mind.

He's left a lot of his belongings behind for now, so I'm surrounded by his stuff. That and seeing him whenever he comes to see our son, I don't feel like I'll ever be able to move on...

You need to ask him to collect his stuff and maybe set some boundaries when he sees your son so that you don't have to keep seeing him. It's normal to feel the way you do. I still cry occasionally and get a panicked feeling of been all alone but it's becoming less and less.
Have you thought about counselling? I've been having counselling since January and it's been so helpful. She's really made me look at things in a different light

Thank you.

I think some counseling / therapy would be useful. I've definitely got some unresolved things I could do with going through from now and before the separation. I've been suffering with anxiety and depression for many years and now this.

Ugh it's just so tough ...

I'm so annoyed with myself for contacting him again saying I'm sorry and wanting to make things right with us. He doesn't want to know...

@Cryingemoji don't be annoyed with yourself, your breaking and finding it difficult. I'm not sure, did you previously post why he wanted to separate? Honestly it's the worse time, like a grieving process. I instigated my separation and I'm struggling so I can't begin to imagine what your feeling when you clearly don't want this. I just wanted you to know your not alone and you now have tried and have your answer so you'll not question this in the future. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks @Newbegg

He's just had enough of me. I've had problems with anxiety, depression & OCD most of our marriage & it's affected our family life. We've drifted apart over the years and became just two strangers sharing a house 😞.

@Cryingemoji did he actually say this was all down to you? That's harsh!! There's two people in a marriage, it can't all be one person's fault. "We've drifted apart over the years"..... This could have happened anyhow regardless of your illnesses. Don't be so hard on yourself...... Are you getting any help with these condition? Maybe speaking to a therapist would help you process everything.

@Cryingemoji I just wanted to post because I am now a year on from when I split with my ex. It is so hard in those early days. But it gets easier and this will become the making of you. Take each thing step by step and day by day.

Take control of the situation and accept he is not coming back. You cannot make him and you don't want him anyway. Focus on what you want. Get his shit out of your house. Pack it and dump it on his doorstep. He doesn't get to just walk off scott free. Work on the assumption there is someone else (there will be soon enough even if there isn't right now). Only do what is fair for you and your own self interests. Never work on the assumption he will be fair. He will make everything about him. You will get over him. It gets better and easier.

I'm here with a listening ear if it is needed. MN was a huge support when my split happened (have name changed since).

@Cryingemoji with time the pain wears off.

Sort his stuff, move it to an area that he can collect it from. Be firm, tell him to collect it asap.

Do not beat yourself up about texting him, it is done now. Move forward, how did the job interview go? If you were unsuccessful, keep applying, you will get a something.

Yes, he very much did. According to him everything that was wrong in our marriage was down to me / my mental health. He sat me down and pretty much blamed me for everything and even accused me of doing nothing for the DC's growing up, even though this is simply not true.

Despite my health I always made sure that the children were well looked after. It's like he's completely re-written history.

I've had minimal help with my mental health over the years and to be honest spent most of them on various waiting lists. We moved house a couple of years ago and I seemed to get forgotten in the system. I am on medication.

Thank you @Kindleonfire and @doitwithlove I am trying to take a day at a time and hopefully as you say it will get easier to cope with.

I keep having these wobbles, but there's definitely a part of me that feels some relief now he has moved out. It's definitely time he came and got his stuff, I can't stand looking at it. He refusing to budge though..

I didn't get the job @doitwithlove. But in hindsight I don't really think it was right for me. I have the jobcentre on my back now trying to get me into work, but aside from my mental health problems I also have a prolapse which caused urinary incontinence (such a catch aren't I) so I'm also stressed about being able to work without having an accident..

@Cryingemoji it sounds like your ex lacks empathy and you will be better without him in the long run. One day at a time, like the others have said it gets easier over time. Look after yourself. Sorry to hear re the prolapse, that sounds quite stressful, re any unexpected leaks, maybe invest in a couple of pairs of modibodis? They are meant to be quite good and could give you peace of mind

@Cryingemoji wow, that's horrible!!! You can't help thinking is there truth in what he is saying, it must be all my fault.....NO.... Try not to think like that it can't do your health any good, easier said than done..... The only one who can look after you at this time, is you....I am currently separated 2 months and as previously mentioned, it's hard. Even though I know this is for the best and we had drifted apart, alcohol dependent on his part. Some horrible arguments and blanking myself and kids. I reached out the other day (3rd time) last 2 times I have been blanked, but this time I was basically told, this was all my fault, (I know it's not) & he won't be communicating any further. Basically, by putting all the blame at my feet, he isn't taking any responsibility for his actions. This is maybe the same response from your DH. Accept it's over, become stronger within your own orbit, heal and look after you. Hope this helps a little.

@Cryingemoji Have you got a shed where you can dump his stuff out of site.

He will blame you for the marriage breakdown, that is the normal - my exh told me "no body liked me, people spoke to me out of pity". To hear this hurt me a lot.

Three months after leaving, when he asked me "could we give our marriage another try", I asked him why he had said that no body liked me etc. His reply "was to hurt you".

I got great pleasure on telling him to "fu*k off", I did not want to give our marriage another try.