Coparenting - Communication

[Nimbus1999]

Hi,
Very poor relationship with 50/50 co-parent, limited communication via parenting app mostly just kid logistics.

My turn to drop to him, always at his place (in half term). However, now kids are saying that he has told them directly that I should drop them to a family member instead. I have messaged him twice to clarify but he is ignoring.

Is this acceptable that is communicating directly with the children and not letting me know? Is this normal for co parents.

I personally feel any arrangements should be made directly between us and not via the children (all under 13). Or am I being unreasonable?

Could you call the family member to confirm?
Hi MIL/SIL,
The kids tell me ex has arranged for you the kids to visit you on XYZ date and apparently he wants me to drop that at yours. I’m happy to do that but I just wanted to confirm with you that that’s what the plan is because ex isn’t replying so I’ve only got the kids’ version to go on.

If family member confirms that’s the plan then you message ex once restating the plan as you understand it and saying you will follow it unless you here otherwise from him. Then it doesn’t need a reply, just for you to know he’s seen it.

I’m NC with the family member…

It’s more the principal really. I don’t agree with the kids being used as messengers. I think arrangements should be direct communication between the parents and not relayed via the kids.

Or maybe that’s just me!

Not just you. I'm single parent.
Should be between the parents and not the children.
It's so sad when this happens. My ex had tried to do this on a couple of occasions, say something to my child, not to me.
I wait till I hear it from him. If I ever do.

She's also told me he's going abroad this summer.
Well that will affect me as he looks after her so it'll affect my work. It's clearly booked and yet I've heard nothing about this yet

Makes me so mad

Glad it’s not just me then!

If you're NC with the family member do you even feel at all comfortable doing a drop-off to theirs?

In any case, given the radio silence you'd be justified in telling the ex that you know it's your turn in theory, but can't very well do a drop-off if you don't even know where. Therefore kids will be available for pickup from yours at time x.

That is exactly what I decided to do! He replied to say he has communicated via the kids. I said it is not acceptable and will just keep them here until I know the plan. Seemed to do the trick. It’s all so tiring.

He’s being such an arse. In the time it took to message say he’d told the kids he could have replied ´yes, please drop at x’s house for the normal time’. Or even just ´yes that’s right’.
He’s putting too much responsibility on the kids too young and it’s not fair on them. In two or three years it’ll be a different story.

I agree with you, that at this age (13) communication should be between the parents and not the children.

Sadly - when adults can’t be mature, or act as adults - they use children as weapons / pawns like this. The only people who suffer are the children.

As hard as it is - I would continue to take the moral high ground & communicate with him (even if you don’t get a response). Your children will thank you for it.

I say this as a SM who has watched their SC act as messengers for the mother. The mother refuses to co-parent or communicate with the kids dad. Her communication used to be so abusive (via text) that a judge ordered she to only allowed to communicate via email. She ignored this and started sending the kids (then under 10) with a note book with her shouty / abusive messages in (which in private we referred to as ‘the shouty book’). The kids used to read it we now know.

Then when the oldest was 13 she unilaterally decided she would stop all communication and the kids would act as messengers (and decide their own contact). The damage this has done to the kids is so sad to see. Such a shame she can’t be a mature, rational adult, rather than damage the kids and they see how angry she still is. They’ve been divorced over 12 years I should add.

Always maintain the moral high ground would be my advice. Your kids will thank you for it.

Thank you for all your advice. It feels wrong, so I’m glad I made a stand as don’t want it to be an accepted way of doing things.

The question is who will be impacted by what you do. Personally I would accept I have been asked to drop off at the relatives. Because anything else is keeping the children in the middle. Even if that is why he has done you shouldn’t do it as well.

Take them to the address watch them go in. If no one is there to collect them tell them to come back to you and take them home. Record the incident.

Long term write to him formally, via a solicitor if you can afford it, telling him that until the children are old enough communication about pick ups, holidays and changes to the CAO should be via a parenting app. This will the. Make a record of what is happening should you ever need to go to court.