Children's' birthdays in acrimonious divorce

[FindingMyWayThrough]

Ex was abusive to us all, DC now live with me as per court order. They can visit their father alternate weekend daytimes but never stay overnight.

The first few years after separation I tried to be super parent and invite ex to DC birthday parties with school friends. But the ex refused to pay his half for these events even though he's much more wealthy than me and DC. So last year, after he agreed to to pay half and then refused to pay it when I booked it, I vowed never to do it again. As much as anything else I can't afford to.

But DC struggle with the divorce and would openly prefer abuse and all of us together then peace and all of us apart. It's a type of trauma bonding, but I don't know how best to navigate this year's birthdays.

We do 3 different events: one a family meal including their Dad, and they feel strongly they want this. Oddly enough ex will pay half of his meal for this so I could grin and bear it for the sake of the children if it's what they really want.

The second is a school party which would matter less as typically not both parents went to the actual main party, mostly because it was either very physical so one parent would stay and prepare food, or there was a strict headcount limit which prevented everyone being there. This is the expensive one that I was left footling alone last minute, last year. After that happened, I openly told ex that he won't be invited anymore unless he pays, and this year he's refusing to pay again. Like I said, he earns more and doesn't have a mortgage, compared to me earning less with a hefty mortgage now.

I'm worried the dc might feel caught on the middle and I don't want them to have to choose, but equally don't feel it's right for me to pay for all the parties and 'carry' their father when he's more financially able to pay his half. Oh, and I forgot to say, he takes the credit for the great parties even though it's all paid for him and none paid by him! Really not cool.

But I wondered what other people do for their children? I guess I'm not asking about the amicable divorces because this is not one of those. I want to protect myself and have appropriate boundaries but. It at the destruction of my DC.

WWYD?

Bump

You need to seperate the money issue from the do you want him there issue. He doesn't get to buy his way in.

Not every child gets multiple expensive birthday parties, and if you're now not in a position to be able to afford that, that's ok. You say to the kids, there's no huge party this year babes, because I don't have the money, but what we can do is x, y or z. Organise it, and do it.

You need to not center your ex. This will take practice, because of the abusive nature of your relationship, your brain is still maybe trying to keep you all safe by not rocking the boat, but you are now divorced, you are not super parent, nobody is, and trying won't help. Find a middle ground that you're happy to stick to and explain to the children what's what.

Remove the power from him which he has when everything hinges on his contribution.

How old are your DC? Big birthday parties becomes less of a thing once they're beyond the first few years of primary, and they don't have to be expensive, kids generally don't care what the cost is just whether they and their friends are having fun. You can do something smaller or cheaper, but don't tell them it's because dad won't contribute.

Do you speak to him about what he is expected to pay for in advance of the party?

If you are just saying I've organised this and now you owe me X I can see his point.

Leaving aside the other 2 parties.

You are independent now. Whilst many amicable co parents decide to throw joint parties you don’t have that relationship. Remember a joint party means joint planning as well as contribution which is not always a good idea.

Maybe just tell him what he could contribute that doesn’t involve you speaking, budgeting or agreeing. Like he could be responsible for ordering and buying the cake for the child. He will do this or not do this and if he doesn’t it is easy to secure a back up on the day. If he doesn’t want to do it or you know he won’t don’t bother.

at the end of the day if you decide to throw a party on behalf of your children it should be within your budget. But, if it is your kids party and they want to invite their dad then I would allow that unless his presence is intolerable for you.

The win for you is letting go of his ability to get in your head and fuck with your decision making.

Thank you for your thoughts, it's helped me realise he's still trying to hold power and k am still unwittingly going along with it. Some habits are hard to break because you don't see them, but you've helped me see more clearly what I'm dealing with here.