Ex moving 25 miles away - who's responsible for ferrying child about?

[WhatsitWiggle]

Since the separation nearly 2 years ago, ex has rented in the same village as the former family home, which I'm still living in (and in the process of buying him out). He's announced this evening that he is moving to a town 25 miles away which has come a bit left-field because he was looking at towns a lot closer.

There's an additional matter that I'm pretty certain he is in a relationship with the woman he had an affair with 10 years ago, as he casually dropped into conversation that the house he is moving to is owned by a relative of this woman. I'm pissed off, mainly because I am the one running around like a f**g loon sorting out exam arrangements, tutors, college arrangements, EHCP and DLA for our autistic child, and he gets time to have a cosy relationship.

That may be colouring my judgement, so I need to clarify who is now responsible for moving our daughter between the houses? As it's an hour+ round trip - it's hard enough persuading her to go to stay with him when he's only 5 minutes up the road. She is meant to be 50/50 swopping each week.

This is a 1/2 hour drive? I don’t know what a judge would say but I would suggest to him that he’s chosen to move, and so he will face the consequences of the additional travelling.

He might expect you to take on additional childcare.

I’m not a solicitor but checking the various family law websites, they emphasise that when changes are proposed between separated parents the guiding principle that the welfare of the child is paramount should be applied.

It would seem reasonable to ask your ex-partner what consideration he’s given to your DD’s welfare and how he proposes to address the practicalities of transport? How does he propose to keep the stress to your DD during the journeys to a minimum and how will any increase in travel costs to you be compensated? He should have anticipated these points and have clear answers.

If you are the parent currently organising the admin of your child’s life, you could make the point that he should reasonably make arrangements for any practical or financial change resulting from his unilateral decision to move further away.

I’d avoid any discussion about his ex as this is hearsay and doesn’t have a part in the main discussion which is your DD’s welfare.

From what you write, you’re doing a great job in difficult circumstances so it would be reasonable to feel assertive in expecting your ex-partner to make the changes that result from his decision as easy for you both as possible. Your ex should prioritise his continued relationship with his DD so should be willing to reassure you both.

Thank you @Honeysuckle16

He should have anticipated these points and have clear answers.

He will not have considered this for a second, because he lives in his own world and expects life to be handed to him on a plate. The only effort he's had to make in the last 20 years was finding the rental flat to move to when we separated.

I stupidly thought when we separated that at least he'd take on 50% of the child admin, but that hasn't happened at all. He just claims its so hard to understand all the services involved in her wellbeing (tell me about it, I've taken multiple courses and webinars to help me learn!).

When my ex and i split up, I moved 25 miles away as I moved back with my parents. DD stayed at her primary school and we had 50/50 care. EOW I took her to and from school daily. I felt I should as I was the one who moved away. It had v v little impact on her (the travel time) as she used it to eat breakfast in the mor ing and have a quick Power Nap in the afternoon!

25 miles isn’t very far. I drove that to work and back every day for years. It’s not unreasonable for you to divvy up the driving between you.

He’s been renting for 2 years, whilst you get to keep the family home. Of course he wants a home of his own. Just because he was looking closer, doesn’t mean a suitable property that he could afford was going to magically fall into his lap. House-hunting is hard and most of us have to make compromises.

However, if your daughter is at the exam arrangements, college arrangements stage, I’m guessing she’s 15/16. That’s old enough for her to make her own choices about how she divides up her time between your households.

Hi, I'm going through the same thing only my ex is moving 1.5 hours away. No consideration for the children or practicalities. He expects to retain eow but with a 14dd and 8ds that's difficult due to social activities and school etc. I won't be sorting transport in any way shape of form. For the last 4 years we have Co- parented, and lived 5 mins from one another. I suspect he will stop having them. I just don't see why he would want that. Or what makes him think this is a good idea.

@WhatsitWiggle, it seems this will be a turning point for you and your DD. The important point is how much your ex wants to maintain his relationship with her. Given you say it’s unlikely he’ll have thought much about it, then there’s a potential for them to see much less of each other.

A lot will depend on your DD’s wishes. She may be keen to see her father’s new house and to continue to see him regularly or alternatively she might not want a longer car journey and being further from home. Maybe her father will want her to be with him for a longer visit but less often. Her wishes should be a key part of what happens.

Apart from that, all you can do is to tell your ex to let you know what he proposes, making it clear you’ve already got enough to do. He needs to talk to your DD once he knows how it will work. Your job will be to cope with her reaction and ensure her wishes are acted on. Best wishes.