Wife separated with me as she had met someone online. We're still living together

[Discombobul8]

Hi there

We have a 6yo daughter, and are currently living together. Wife says she still loves me but is no longer 'in love' with me. She said she needs something different from the pressures of being a mother. She has suffered from a lot of depression dating back to soon after DD was born. Tried meds, meditation and therapy but often depressed. I have tried to be supportive as possible and create a calm, less stressful environment, and be there for her when she struggles, but here we are, she told me she wanted to separate as the passion has gone. She says it's really hard and she hates doing this but says she can't go on living a lie.

I am just trying to adjust, as it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know what to do . We're attending marriage counselling together and I have started seeing a therapist to try to rediscover what it is that drives me, and try to find a new path of my own. I feel trapped as it is really hurting me thinking about her with someone else, but if i ever say how bad I'm feeling, she ends up crying too. So now I just try to keep it to myself.

Half of me wants to initiate divorce and sell up and move out and try to make the most of the rest of mine and my daughter's life, but the rest of me does not want to subject my 6yo to the joys of divorce, sharedd custody etc, plus I'm terrified of re-entering the housing market, and whether I'll even be able to afford a place on my own at this point in time.

I don't know what I'm asking really... I guess I'm just feeling really confused and trapped and reaching out to find people who can relate.

Wonder if anyone here has any experience of similar happening to them (either as a child, or as a married adult separating.

What the pros and cons of trying to keep the situation calm and try to adjust our marriage to being sexless and non-monogamous, or just man up and go full divorce?

Any thoughts welcome. I'm struggling to make sense of what I feel is right for me now.

I recognise that this is a mumsnet cliche, but does your wife have the option of something other than being a mother in her life within your marriage?

Hi there, thanks for reaching out. I'm not 100% sure what you're asking, but if I summarise our current life situation and see if that answers it on some way. we both have jobs, me 5 days, her 3 days a week, so she has two weekdays a week to herself, and is a practicing artist, so spends that time predominantly making art and interacting with her community online. Unfortunately (just for me I guess) that's where she met the guy who she is now having intimate relations with. I've always tried to offer and take on more domestic stuff e.g. doing dishes, laundry, taking daughter to activities or out for the day at weekends to meet fam and friends and give wife more space to be herself. So in summary I have been trying to provide as much opportunity as I can for her to do her own thing... Just the thing she ended up doing wasn't what I would have hoped for...

Just to add to that, I do school runs 3 days a week, she does 2 days a week, and we have the option of grannies filling in when something comes up, so I don't know what you think, but i believe the parental duties are fairly fairly distributed. Hope that helps clarify situation

Blimey! You're a one off, I can't imagine other men being as sympathetic as you clearly are, seeing your wife's side, but honestly, this must be tearing you up inside, at what point is it going to get too much? Has this been going on long, because it sounds fairly recent and you're in shock! I think you need to take stock, what do you really want? If your wife suddenly said, it's over and was sorry and it would never happen again, would you forgive and forget or would you always be looking over your shoulder. Divorce and especially with a child in the mix is never going to be easy, but you're not thinking about yourself at all here, people with children who divorce usually find a way to make it work, you can't go on like this, A) it's not fair B) this is your life to C) you deserve a good life. My advice to you if you can, is to think about it logically and ask yourself some difficult questions, they're never easy but it has to be done and then think about what the future looks like if nothing changes or what the future will look like if you divorce, in my opinion, that's the better option for both of you. I'm so sorry you're going through this and trust me, I'm holding back!

Thanks, that is helpful. Hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in it I guess. Separation was initiated about 5 months ago at time of writing. I'm slowly coming to conclusion that, like you say, divorce may be better for both of us. I just want to be sure that's true, for little one's sake, before going down that road.

Whilst joint counselling needs to run its course you should also think about your own counselling needs. Why do you want to put so much into this relationship? Is it just practical things that are binding you together like the financial impact, housing and Co parenting? Nearly half of couples split and manage these things one way or another.

Is it because you think it is better for the children? Studies do not back this up. Functional relationships are better than adherence to a failing form.

Personally I wouldn’t tolerate the person I loved and or lived with having an affair. I think these situations turn toxic very quickly. Emotionally why be with someone who isn’t in love with you. It’s not the thing we need or want. Resentment and jealousy will set in.

My advice is to ask her to leave whilst she is having an affair. Create the space to find your own agency in this situation.

Yep I definitely hear you on 'not forcing a failing form'. Main problem with asking her to move out is that we have a joint mortgage, and I can't afford to buy her out and do it alone. I guess I could get a lodger... But a lot to unpack I guess... I haven't got the energy to 'go there' at the moment. I know I need to have a proper think on it though. Personal therapy (for myself ) is also in progress, to try to reassess my situation and process emotions etc and hopefully figure out what direction I need to head in (good shout though 👍).

Sorry you are going through this. It is an emotional rollercoaster. Unless you want to have an open relationship then I think you need to draw a line. Have you had an affair when married? Would you have thought it acceptable if you had? If not, why would you consider your wife’s behaviour remotely acceptable? It doesn’t even sound like she is sorry. She just thinks she would be happier elsewhere by the sounds of it.

Like others have said, you are probably in shock.

From an outside point of view, it sounds like your wife does not value you and she has said she is not in love you. Love yourself, you deserve more. She doesn’t sound like she loves you at all like a partner should. Her behaviour is in fact clearly saying she does not love you, no matter what she is saying verbally.

It sounds like you would be better getting out of there and finding a woman who will love and value you. I know it’s hard but accept the situation for what it is. You may have 2 years of hell adjusting but trust me if you value yourself and get therapy, you should be happier in 3 years. You need to think about your happiness here and realise your daughter needs a happy father, not one who is going to stay in an unhappy situation and end up resentful and stressed most likely.

Also believe me, for every woman who thinks the grass is greener, there is another woman waiting in the wings who may love you fully and better.

Also believe me, for every woman who thinks the grass is greener, there is another woman waiting in the wings who may love you fully and better.

This is a lovely sentiment to take from an otherwise shitty situation.

If your wife has had her head turned, it’s likely too late to reconcile. Her new love interest is probably giving her a sense of freedom she hasn’t felt since pre marriage and kids, but the reality is that she is a grown up with responsibilities and there is no getting away from that. You don’t need to keep putting yourself through the wringer waiting for her to come to this inevitable realisation.

Sorry OP, you sound like a good guy and you need to start putting yourself first. It won’t be easy but your DD will be much better off in the long run having two happy separate homes.

Thanks for your outside perspectives Tosca23, Pondering89 and everyone else who responded. I have Helpful advice and a bit of ego massaging thrown in... Genuinely need that as feeling kicked in the teeth at the moment :)
It's tough knowingly putting myself through a further 2 years of hell, as I'm 45... Just feel like it's so late to be doing all this. However better to be happy in 3 years than spend the rest of my life in a resentful limbo, no doubt.
I think I'll at least start contacting divorce lawyer to find out where I stand. I'm guessing I'll end up getting shafted on maintenance payments or whatever they're called... that'll be fun!

I’m not sure I would call financially supporting your own DC being shafted, OP ;)

It's a huge thing to come to terms with, when the trust is broken in a long term relationship and the person you were with, becomes unrecognisable to you. Still, better to face reality than live in denial. You are probably going through the 5 stages of grief. From your post, you defend your ex alot, but how about defending yourself. Has your ex always been perfect to you? Didn't you deserve better? Moving on to the anger phase of grief may help spur you in to action - whatever that looks like.

Splitting up no doubt is hard to do, but as others have said, people manage. It is a rocky road ahead, filled with lots of highs and lows if you take it. Financially, divorce is hard on everyone.

If I were you, I'd have a good think about what you want. Then take action, as action will help you preserve your self-respect.

It is not easy in these situations, as exes can become flakey and changeable and give false hope as they often have mixed feelings themselves. Also sometimes people want their cake and eat it. So they want to keep the other parent hooked in and hanging on, so they can still have a so called best friend, support and on call baby sitter, whilst they have a new exciting romantic life with someone else. Be aware that your ex may not have your best interests at heart at all now.

Try not to hold on to anything your ex says or take too much meaning from it. Best be guided by behaviour not words.

You might want 50:50 custody of your daughter, you might not. You might want to set boundaries with your ex. You might want to find a new romantic partner - although most people say take time to heal, get therapy and then date. It's a personal choice.

Imo staying physically together means nothing is coming to a head and one of you may need to move out. If you move out, rent a 2 bed place as otherwise it will soon become the argument that you have no housing needs etc.

Your self-esteem has taken a battering and it can take a long time to build it back up. At 45 you have the option of going for older or younger women. Meetup groups are great for meeting people, but you do have to put yourself out there. Best of luck.

This doesn't sounds like a relationship that is healthy for both of you to stay in. I'm glad you're looking for a divorce lawyer to start the process, it's definitely better to go through hard times now so you and your family can be happier in 3 years time rather than stuck in an unhappy situation. No matter how hard you may try to hide it, kids are smart, they know when something is wrong. A happy parent means you get a happy child so this may be the right step despite the hardships. Just make sure to be a safe space for your child to talk to/reassure them.
And yes I agree the housing market is not a fun place, in case it can help you lower your bills, get you solicitor do anything you feel like you can't do but take advantage of the free resources online. You can definitely do a lot of it yourself. I used this one so see if it might be able to help you out - https://iamlip.com/
Wishing you and your child the best xx

@Anita848 thanks for your reply. I'd lost my login and only just managed to figure it out to get back to you.
I'm slowwwly coming getting a clearer idea in my mind of what i feel is right and acceptable for me. Life is busy, as it no doubt is for everyone, but it means I'm spending most of my time just keeping up with the daily grind, and not getting a lot of time to really reflect.
I'm doing personal therapy, and this is helping me stay on track with my own sense of self, and also helping guide me in regards to how to make sure i stay attentive to my 6yo DDs needs.
My wife just never seems to be happy, despite her increased freedom. Thankfully I'm able to detach from that more, as I've finally learnt after 7 years of marriage and 14 years together that her emotional state is out of my control. So at least I don't beat myself up for how she is feeling any more.
Anyway, I'm just rambling here. Thanks again for getting back to me and also for the link. I'll start exploring that.

Thanks again to everyone else who responded earlier this year. This page is proving a great help at a time when I really need it. I have some good close family, long standing friends and a lovely supportive bunch of colleagues who are all great, but you lot here are equally as helpful and supportive. Such weird times for me but I'm really grateful that there's people like you @ChatBFP@LemonTT@Pondering89@ShennyInfinity@Tosca23 & @Anita848 who can be bothered to reach out and contribute to the thread.
Cheers!

Hi @OP

Sounds like your wife hasn't adjusted to her increased responsibility as a mother. That's not your issue or in your control. Most parents sacrifice some self determination for family life and do so willingly, as you have. Some men and women find that they begrudge it, which is a recipe for unhappiness

Wishing you lots of luck in figuring it out and trying to move forward.

You can not live like this until your child is 18 so the sooner you file for divorce and start your new life, the better.

I had this situation 25 years ago. Wife was having an affair in full view of me and was so “in love” she couldn’t help it etc etc.

Best advice I can give is completely detach from her. My ex thought I would still be her emotional shoulder but I wasn't. I basically just said “I’m not interested” when she tried to tell me her woes. I detached to the point where I couldn’t give a fuck what she did. You need to find some anger and do the same. Her moods and mental issues are not your problem now. Leave her to it.

I left her in the end (about 5 months in to her affair) and went straight to court to sort out chlid arrangements and go for divorce. As it turned out, he didn’t leave his wife so she was fucked and left alone while I moved on and met someone better!

We parented ok and actually get on ok now but I still I’ve no feelings for her either way. She just happens to be the mother of my son.