Struggling, lonely, miss my kids

[LonelyDancer]

Recently moved out of the family home after a horrible divorce from emotionally abusive ex.

Custody is 50-50 (please don’t say if you think that’s bad for kids, it isn’t going to change and will only make me feel worse).

I’m so sad and lonely and I miss the kids so badly. They were IVF babies who I wanted so much, and now I can’t even see them every day. I feel like I’m not even a proper mum now.

Has anyone felt like this? Does it get better? How?

Ex, who doesn’t even look at me or talk to me now, even in front of the kids, seems perfectly fine. I just feel like everyone who be ok if I just disappeared. (Not going to act on that, don’t worry, but I just feel so sad).

I’ve been there. It hurts like hell but it does get better. My DC were 5 & 7 when we divorced and although he only had them every other weekend it was awful to start with. I was constantly calling him, checking they were ok, checking he’d fed them, they’d brushed their teeth, remembered swimming club/football practice etc.
It felt like every other weekend my world stopped.

It got easier for me once they got a bit older, especially when DD got a mobile phone and I could text them while they were there. It was so difficult trying not to take over his time with them and interfere but I just wanted to know they were happy.

It will get easier. I just wanted to say “I get it” 💐

@LonelyDancer I understand how you feel. My two sons were 3 and 6 when courts ruled 50/50. More recently he was awarded yet further custody (don't ask - narc ex) so 13 yo is every other Weds-Sun with us and 16 yo just EOW.
I still keenly feel a stigma as a mum without her kids, even though I know none of this is my fault.
You are not alone ♥️

It's very early days you need to grieve and recover

@GoodnightJude1 I think there is a difference between 50/50 and vast majority custody though? Not saying either are easy, of course not, but 50/50 (or more) is particularly challenging as you are without your kids for literally days on end, not just on a weekend x

We are doing 2-2-5-5. It’s broken me. How can I feel better? I work so I have that. I go to the gym. Insee friends. But it’s all so meaningless. Like if I just vanished they would all carry on fine without me. I wish I had never left. He wasn’t very nice to me, but it was subtle. And we did have good times. I could have got better at handling it. That would be so much better than this. I feel like I’ve ruined my life.

How old are your DC?

They’re 7 and 5

I'm just so sorry reading this. It's one of the main reasons I'm still married. I just couldn't face sharing them and not seeing them every day. Hopefully things don't deteriorate so I have no choice but to divorce.

I think it's perfectly natural to grieve. It will be easier when they're much older. But til then, it's one foot in front of the other I think. You can write them little notes whilst away about what you feel, not to send etc but for your processing maybe?

I'm so sorry to read this OP. Was the arrangement court ordered?
How long ago was it agreed?
I don't have any advice, but you are far from alone in this situation. Every child needs their mum, they most definitely would not be fine without you!

@LonelyDancer It does get easier with time. My ex-husband was never physically abusive to me so I guess I could say the same, but actually there was no love there and I didn't want my sons growing up seeing a loveless marriage as the "norm." He was also coercively controlling and whilst the family courts turned a blind eye to this it got to a point where I couldn't. I felt frightened 24/7 and very much unloved.
I'm now remarried (very happily indeed) to an amazing man who is also a great dad and stepdad. He had no bio children of his own when we met but we now share a 3 yo little girl. We cry together, we laugh together; we basically love sharing our lives together.
Life is by no means ever going to be ideal and there are of course still difficult days,
but it is so much better than it once was.
You've got this ❤️

Thank you for all the support. It really means a lot.

50-50 wasn’t court ordered. I agreed it because I was told that’s what the court would order. I also think it’s important for the kids to have a relationship with their dad so I’ve tried to do what’s best for them, even if it breaks my heart.

I just wish so badly it could have been different.

Like someone said above I didn’t want to set a bad example to my kids (I think seeing my own parents’ unhealthy relationship might have contributed to the mess I ended up in).

I just want to feel ok.

@LonelyDancer Remember that it's early days.
For me, keeping busy really helped.
Do you work? I found my career such a welcome distraction.
But remember to also find time for you; that's so important.

I work and that’s been good. Actually over the last year whilst the divorce has been going through I’ve been doing well at work and I’ve felt positive about that. I’ve just lost my way these last few weeks. I think I also need to make myself do some things for me. It all feels so pointless - like a bath will make it better?! - but I guess I don’t have anything to lose. Thanks you so much for your reply.

There's an organisation called Matchmothers which I've found so helpful (Mothers Apart From Their Children). I don't know of any other mums IRL who have been through 50/50 (or less) but these mums just "get it".

A very selfless decision and testament to what a good mum you are. One day they will know.
My ex has dd at weekends, and although I technically get more time as I have her all week, I often resent the fact he has all the fun times. I work full time so our weeks are a military operation and usually just chaos.
So if there's a positive, it's that you can really be present and enjoy that time you have with them without juggling the life jobs. Maybe spend some of the time you don't have with them planning for the weekends you do. And they won't grow up thinking dad's the fun one and mums the bossy, slightly unhinged one!

I have 50/50 custody, it was court ordered and it's horrible for both me and the kids (who hate being away from me for so long). I feel he bulldozed our lives by having an affair, leaving us, and then got rewarded with the children.

I don't think it really gets better, I am missing my kids like crazy at the moment. You just have to live with it.

What has helped me is meeting a great guy who I see during my time away so we do adult things. I have also started a course that will improve my career prospects. I make sure all the chores are done whilst they're away so I can be present with them. I'd like to have more children one day though I'm possibly getting too old.

@peacocksuite How long has it been? Mine initially went 50/50 when sons were 3 and 6; they're 13 and 16 now so a decade on.
I think eventually you arrive at some sort of acceptance which allows you to move forward.
I am happily remarried now and we share a 3 yo daughter together whom my boys love to bits ❤️

@LorlieS a bit over a year since 50/50, longer since the divorce.

I have moved forward but I hate it (I dont show to them) and they hate it. I would love more kids that are just my own tbh which would help.