Custody arrangements

[BoringNameChanges]

Early days for me. Just over a week since H left for AP. We have one DD12.

I’ve facilitated contact in the family home (he left me). He has seen her x3 this week and we’re currently visiting family (as planned before separation). DD initially keen to see him but after no contact for 24 hours she wants to cut off.

I’ve told her how she is still in shock and she shouldn’t be hasty. I want them to have a good relationship. I’ve contemplated contacting him to explain how DD is feeling but she doesn’t want me to. She keeps saying he doesn’t love her etc. and she doesn’t wan’t contact under false pretences. I expect he’s keeping his distance because she’s with family but also he’s prioritising his AP.

I’m hurting - was a complete shock to me but I’m doing everything I can to put it aside for DD’s sake. All questions about situation I am putting to him. I don’t have the answers as to why and it’s not my job to explain to DD why he had an affair and wanted to separate.

I am the primary carer. He wants 50/50 but DD wants to stay in the family home with me at the moment. He works long hours with a significant commute. I work FT, my work offers flexibility which means I’ve been able to WFH and come home early to be with her after school on my office days.

I’m worried about accusations of parental alienations starting. I’m encouraging contact, yes I’m upset but I’m not bad mouthing H to DD.

I don’t want to force her to see him but I don’t want to end up in court because he thinks I’m turning her against him.

Has anyone been here and can give advice?

First off this is incredibly raw for both of you. It's been a week. Your DD is reeling and no wonder she's saying NC right now. Give her time and space as you are doing and don't push into any firm arrangements right now. I'd leave him to sort out what he says and does with your DD rather than trying to interfere. If he asks you something then respond but don't necessarily proactively reach out.

Longer term, At 12 your DD can have a say in arrangements. There's no suggestion here for alienation you sound like you are doing a good job of being balanced. Don't worry right now about custody arrangements. If he wants 50/50 then let him work out how that's going to work. 50 50 is facilitating fully 50pc of everything school, clubs, half term etc etc. You can't explain to him how hard that is he will need to work it out for himself. There is a possibility he steps up and manages it.

The main thing is be kind to yourself, grieve and process. Maybe even get counselling. You will need to get help to get through this. And get a good solicitor!

He can’t possibly expect over nights when it’s so new. Has DD even met the AP yet?

He’s not living with AP and doesn’t currently have anywhere suitable to for overnight contact.

At this present time he’s trying to find somewhere to rent alone.

He needs to keep reassuraning her, that he loves her, that will continue, that he’s not leaving her rather the marriage.

it’s raw. Encourage her to talk and express emotions but you can also reassure her that he’s still her dad and while you are hurt and disagree with his actions, it’s not to do with her, that relationships end for many reasons, and that you’ll all work through it in time.

give her time and since, but gentle reassurance and encouragement

At your DD age I would forget about 50:50 if she is against it. Her voice must be heard. You just reassure her that any arrangements made can be on a trial basis and tweaked if she needs them to be.
She is hurting right now and it’s okay for her to feel like she doesn’t want to see him right now. It’s up to him to fix things between the two of them and that means he needs to see things from her perspective and let her be angry at him right now. You just reassure her that things will work out and settle down.

I don’t want him to pull away from her. She’s so angry.

Finally she received a message from him. When she asked for an explanation as to why she’d had no contact, he blamed me. He said I was upset yesterday morning (I’d tried to speak to him and left a voicemail asking to see him to talk) and he had messaged me reiterating that he doesn’t love me and that he is with AP.

That’s me told (again).

DD has agreed to let him transport her to clubs this week. I’ve said she might feel differently in a few days so have left the door open for further contact.

Thanks for advice on custody @Crunchingleaf . I’m going to struggle to work if he doesn’t do any overnights but I can cross that bridge if she truly means it.

Last week DD spent some with H but was unhappy other than when he was taxiing her to clubs. I left DD to sort out arrangements for this week with him directly.

Today he finally asked her what she wanted and she gave him a schedule. He said no, he wasn’t going to do all the clubs and wanted to spend proper time with her. She said no, you won’t see me then.

He hasn’t replied. He doesn’t have anywhere suitable to see her and she gets upset in public places.

He won’t have his own place for another 2 weeks.

I never thought he’d ignore his child.

Where is he proposing spending "proper time with her" then? He cannot insist on using the family home if he has moved out.

What are the plans for the family home, will it be sold?

No, I’ve offered use of family home but he won’t.

No idea about financials/assets yet. It’s still early days and I’m reeling from the shock of the situation.