Don't divorce until this is sorted, it will protect your assets somewhat.
You not wanting to hurt anyone is going to cost you dearly. Why are you pretending to be so strong to your children, when you are no longer? They won't think any less of you. It will help them understand you are getting older and with that you are more vulnerable.
Tell them. What's the worst thatcan happen.
"He's older than me"
Not by much, it makes no difference
"He wanted to keep the house and in guilt I walked away saying he could keep it and I would rent" .
Why the hell would you say that! Guilt from what? Tell him you said he could jeep living I it not KEEP it! Otherwise your children may get nothing if he remarried. It may all go to her. There are no guarantees unless their are wills in place.
"I'd paid a mortgage since 1993"
l long was that?
"Following separation I also continued to pay his debts . We are now debt free but took 6 years"
Were you still paying the mortgage? His debts or joint debts, who ran them up?
"I've had some issues health wise and it's made me realise renting isn't an option long term ".
Better to realise late than after your divorced. You wouldn't have a leg to stand on. In your 50s, you realise health can take a turn for the worst in an instant. Everything that was stable can be lost. Private renting in old age is and always will ve a hard way to live.
"We have 100k equity in the house"
When was the house last valued?
"Iv asked him if we can divorce and he remortgage to
Give me a deposit for another home . His answer was I walked away and I'm thinking of myself "as usual"
He can only prove that you left the home. He can NOT prove anything said, and it will.not hold up legally. Unless he has this in writing. However, this still does mean he is more entitled because of it. A friend of mine is going through the same thing. She was left in the house and he is FORCING her to sell to get his 50%. Legally, she has to. She will use the money to but a house in a cheaper part of the country.
"He says it will put his
Mortgage up by £250 a month to pay me even 15k"
It will cost him a lot more in legal fees if he wants to continue being greedy. Doesn't he realise this. A LOT MORE.
"I've said I'm being really reasonable and he says I aren't "
You are! He is not, but he is showing his true colours. He greedy and he has a meal ticket to a house for life with his girlfriend.
"If I go through solicitor I've been told to go for a 70/30 split in his favour because I have a pension. That's still 30k . All I asked for was 15k"
Told by whom? There are solicitor on MN who may be able to guide you with better information. Hopefully they will reply.
"Thinking outside the box - I then suggested we build an extension which I live in and we go halves on bills .
He said no "
He will say no, he doesn't care about you, sorry. He has moved on, he has no motivation to helpbyou because he thinks ge has trhe house.
"I'm single but he has a girlfriend but that really wouldn't have bothered me"
It will bother her. You don't know what story ge has told her or your children about the situation. There's no way in he'll he will want you aroundbto clarify things.
"My issue is my adult children. They see me as strong and financially independent"
Perhaps you were, but thisisn’t static. If you never allow your children to see weakness and your struggles, they will have a totally unrealistic view of your abilities. Unbreakable. This isn't so and you need to make them aware if this.
"where they view their dad as not and feel I've somehow done him over".
How old are your children? You need to sit down with them and have a frank discussion. Explain how hard you’ve had to work to keep the family home together. To pay the bills, to buy the house,to pay for all their meed, to pay off debts. Don't beat around the Bush, just matter of factly tell them all the important bits so they don't fill in the gaps. So their dad doesn't give them a skewed version of events.
"He wants to stay in the marital home . I'm fine with that if he can pay me something just to get my foot back on the property ladder."
He can stay ther but you still have your claim on it, you are still married. Sadly he doesn't care enough about you to want you to help you. Personally I would force the sale. Let him go and find his own home, and you can find yours. There's no guarantee he will pay you by a promise, he has proven that. Everything has to be done through the legal system to protect your self.
"The kids side with him as they see him as the wronged party . I'm scared if I start getting tough I'll lose them ".
Because he has said what he wants to them to make you the villain. You have no idea what conversations he's had with them, but it's highly likely he's poisened their minds. You can't protect yourself from that. The same happened to my friend. It was aweful. He turbed ger children against her and they used to be so so close. It's absolutely heartbreaking to watch. But she has no idea of what's being said.
"They're adults but - my son already offered to pay my deposit to keep his father in the family home but I said that's not his job "
It's nice of him to offer but ... perhaps if you can put your half of the house you already own in a trust for the children, this way you could accept the deposit. If you think you could make the payments, health wise going forwards? That way, your share of the house ifs protected, even though your ex won't give you any money to help you.
"I got off my arse and got a career because he wouldn't . He's worked for the same company 30+ years on shit wages because he is scared of confrontation or asking for a raise . He gets less than minimum wage as he is salaried and works 16 hour days and nights at times and says nothing. It used to anger me and probably did contribute to the separation because we were like ships that passed in the night - he worked permanent nights . Still does . He's 57 and I'm 52. I don't want to rent forever."
He had an easy ride, it seems. He was quite happy to let you do all the hard work while he had a job that didn't demand much of him. If he worked nights, did he look after the children during the days while you worked hard fir a better life? What was his contribution? I take it the mortgage is in joint names, you took it out together?
"I'm just venting really as I know if I employ a solicitor he will have the kids backing and they'll all hate me".
The chances are, if you're not transparent they make be grumpy for a while. But if you tell them you're trying to protect their inheritance I'm sure they'll come around. It sounds as if they already don't think that highly of you. You have no ideas what they've been told by him.
"They all say I'm selfish and thinking only of myself yet they are independent and have bought their own places ."
I would ask why thy don't think he's selfish. You need to tell them if your health is slipping and the struggles you have. They seenyou as invincible at the moment. Why does he NEED a big family home for him and his girlfriend. That's selfish. Him not even trying to help you when you've helped him pay off debts that took 6 years, that's selfish.
"We did remain friends but he's now refusing to speak to me at all. Other than to tell me I'm selfish and thinking of myself "as usual" .
He spoke to you when he though he had an easy picking off the tree. Who wouldn't feel smug about that. He's been living the easy life. Are they both living mortgage and rent free in your family home? What a cushy life that would be. Now he has to start compromising he's behaving like a spoilt child and having a tantrum. This speaks volumes.
"I had a solicitor primed and ready 3 months ago but got such a backlash from my dd i stopped proceedings."
This is your life, YOURS! After putting everyone else first, they have all done well, you should be proud if yourself. Had you not worked so hard, would they have had the same opportunities??? Who knows. Sorry, but it's NOT their call. You will get backlash, that's what some families do, guilt trip. You really can't afford to put everyone else first now. They are sorted, you are the one who is now facing challenges. If they want to, they can help their dad find a new smaller place fit for his needs. Why should you always compromise because he wanted to stay in a dead end job with no prospects.
"On Monday , I'm ringing them , transferring 1k and telling them to crack on"
Do this. Claim what's yours, he's had it easy for long enough. You gave him a stupidly reasonable offer. He was greedy he said no. This offer is off the table now. Whatever happens, you should still get the 15K you needed to find a place to call home.
"This is so hard . I don't want to hurt anyone."
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
It's time to put you first. For the past 30 years, I doubt you often did. 🤗
Sorry about typos. It's late and I'm on my phone. Good luck.