Should we separate? (It's a sexless marriage one again)

[Pizzafordinner]

DH and I have been together for 15 years, one primary age DC. I am in a situation where I see no option but to separate and would love some outside opinions on this from people who don’t know us.

In a nutshell, everything is fine other than that we do not have sex because I do not want to. This includes all sexual intimacy which has had a knock on on all intimacy. I should say now that I do not for a minute believe that DH should force himself in to celibacy no matter how much he loves me.

I have had psychosexual therapy by myself which then led to two rounds of marriage counselling with a different counsellor, and between the two rounds I saw the marriage counsellor alone. Throughout this process I came to strongly believe that I may be asexual – I was never looking for a label or a reason for the lack of desire but all the exploring of past relationships as well as mine and DHs led me to that conclusion and he was always very keen to have a “why.”

DH has gone through a whole range of emotions during this time but is now very calm, no longer angry, and seems to be very optimistic. The other day he told me that he cannot continue like this, but that he really believes that there is nothing we can’t face and fix together. Which is lovely, but not how I see it. His end goal is to have sex, my end goal is to have none. I can’t meet him in the middle; we had a few very dark years where the coercion I experienced from him has put a blight on any possible sexual intimacy whether I want it or not (which I don't). In addition, I have had a complete change of mindset over the last few years and I now want to put my needs/wants first after decades of putting myself last. So there’s no ‘lie back and think of England’ going on here, it is a hard no and it’s not going to change. All of this was discussed in marriage counselling.

I love him very much and I have always wanted what is best for him. For a long time I was what was best for him, but I feel I no longer am. I cannot make him happy in the way he wants and deserves, and we only get one life. It would be a privilege and a joy to stay with him, retire with him, grow old with him, but sex is hugely important to him and so this is a deal breaker.

This will destroy him, me, our child, our families. But I really don’t see what else I can do.

Any thoughts very gratefully appreciated – I may even show him this thread if it feels useful.

I'd also consider why you've had all this therapy. Because you felt you needed it? Off your own bat?

Or because your husband upset you so much with his vile behaviour that you felt it was you with the issue?

I know it must be hard but you sound like you know your own mind here and you're quite determined.

You may also not be asexual. His behaviour may have caused you to believe you are (but of course that's not for me to say! You know yourself )

I have an identical situation but am 62 and he is coming up 60. About 18 months ago I made it clear that I'm just no longer interested that way. To be honest I haven't been that bothered since about year 5 and we've been married 27 years. I kind of just went along with it- never initiated it-like you I care about my H and we get on well still. I just am not interested in sex . I did suggest separating as I don't want someone to be unhappy but my H didn't want to- I did give the choice. I do know exactly how you feel- I had the coercion for many years along with in my case his secretive 5 times a week porn habit that I discovered at the point I started monitoring the internet as we had a teenage son- I kind of just no longer felt interested in that way- it gave me the creeps. I'm not bothered about another relationship either as it's my second marriage.

They were 14 & 9. Telling them was horrible, although I can't remember the exact words. I think we kept it simple and said we didn't love each other romantically any more, and we had given it a lot of thought, and we felt that everyone would be better off if we were living separately and got divorced.
I'm not sure if, as they get older and embark on their own relationships, they might have more detailed questions? We'll see.

A mixture of both I’d say. The initial therapy I had alone was because he asked me to and I didn’t think it was a terrible idea either. The marriage counselling was the suggestion of the first counsellor and we all agreed that would be a good thing to do.

Thanks for sharing, I’m sorry you endured coercion too and I bet he said you were to blame for the porn habit too?

Thank you @SmokeWithoutFire, our DC is 8. I think it would have ended years ago if not for them, but I know we shouldn’t stay together just for them no matter how hard splitting would be.

Good luck with whatever you decide Op. I live in a sexless marriage too. Twice in four years, nothing in the last 2.5 and less than ten times in 10 years. The boot is on the other foot in my relationship though. It is him that doesn’t want sex with me. He suggested an open relationship on my side too but the fact is, I love him and don’t want to be sexual with other people just for the sake of it. I have just come to accept that if I want to stay with him, I have to accept this as my life. I’m presume your husband has done the same but his comments this week imply otherwise so if he is not brave enough to do anything about it, then perhaps you need to.

I think an open relationship would lead to feelings, and he’d end up gone.

Have you considered that this change in you might be hormonal? I don’t know anything about this, but could it be something to do with early menopause?

Thanks so much for giving your perspective, I hope you are ok as I know it is incredibly hard and painful from your side too.

This has been going on with DH since I was in my 30s and having reflected on past relationships I think I have always felt like this regardless of the partner. I got the sense that DH was hoping there would be a medical reason and was looking at it like I was something broken that needed fixing, whereas I disagree.

@Pizzafordinner he doesn't know I know about the porn habit- I've kept it to myself !! I think it's best to be true to yourself and he has to be too- if he can't live without it and will regularly coerce he needs to accept it's over - whoever makes the final decision. Perfectly possible to remain friends

I’m sorry to be harsh here but for goodness sake you are sounding like a martyr when it’s you who has fundamentally changed the relationship with no warning and now want him to go along with it or make the decision for you. His behaviour when you made that unilateral decision was appalling but I’d be utterly fucking devastated if my partner, who I love and had seemingly been happy with our sex life, turned around and said actually I don’t want to have sex with you and never did. I have no idea how he got through that with a shred of confidence or self esteem left. I think I’d rather my partner had an affair than basically told me they were repulsed by me sexually and could not bear the thought of having sex with me again. I absolutely understand his disgust at an ‘open’ marriage too. Most people want to be loved and have sex with their partner … to the people saying ‘marriage is so much more than sex’ I’d respectfully say that’s your view but not others. If my partner suddenly lost the ability to have sex, I’d stay with them but I’d find it very hard and would morn the loss of the unique intimacy that only comes from sex. But if he just said “I’ve gone off it with you and I’ve been lying all these years because I never actually like it or wanted it” …. I literally have no idea how I’d get over that.

You say you have a great relationship apart from this so what’s the issue with divorcing then? Why the angst about the children? You are clearly not going to fight over Co-parenting. Your children aren’t that young - they’ll cope with 50:50 parenting and get used to it very quickly. I divorced (for different reasons) but we made a deal that we would never argue or make life difficult over contact and so had 50:50 but very flexible so one covered the other if we were busy or if one parent fancied doing something with the kids on a certain day or if the kids just wanted to be at x rather than y and we jointly attended all things we wanted too. Children are a delight and have a great relationship with us both and my new partner. Just divorce him and let him find someone else. And live your asexual life happy!

Thanks, that’s all absolutely fair! Angst about DC is only natural I think, but you are right that they will be fine. I’m glad to hear you and ex-DH have managed it so well, that’s what I would aspire to.

They really will be. You hear the horror stories but that because the parents have behaved like arses. Tell your husband you are splitting up and then concentrate on making the new living arrangements the best you possibly can for your children. Unless you are fortunate to be very well off, you’ll have to both accept a lower standard of living but it’s worth it. Best of luck

Thank you so much. The logistics will be a little tricky but I agree, worth it. In a fortnight I’m due to spend a long weekend away with my best friend who lives overseas, I really value her opinion and we’ve been friends for decades (since school). She knows what’s been going on. I’m holding out to discuss it face to face with her whilst having some proper space away from home, then will hopefully have a firm decision to discuss with DH when I get back.

I should add, her opinion may not match with mine and will hold no sway, I just want to talk to someone else about it who knows me. I feel muddled and talking about it with someone other than DH will help me to be clear when I do speak to him.

That’s what friends are for - to challenge our thinking. I’m glad you have a good friend like that. However I’d say you seem like you’ve really explore this properly so I’d trust yourself. Being asexual is a thing. It might be you and that’s fine. If it isn’t, you might fall madly in lust with someone else? Either way, being in lust with your husband seems highly unlikely given the medical and psychological exploration you’ve done. I left a marriage that was ‘fine.’ Lovely man, great husband, good sex life but I just didn’t feel that spark or that lust for life!!! And life is too short so we split and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. First on my own and now with a partner who I adore in every way. Life should be the very best you can make it be!!

Totally agree! We only have one life and there are so many reminders of that which pop up, both small and more significant.

You sound incredibly brave to have left a marriage that was ‘fine’, that can’t have been easy but you also sound so proud of you decision, as well you should be!

You’re right: I know myself, my mind and my feelings so I should trust that.

You’re right: I know myself, my mind and my feelings so I should trust that.

This 100%!!

If you are asexual, you should consider the possibility that your husband is demisexual. It is technically considered part of the asexual spectrum and like often attracts like. He may need to have an emotional or intellectual connection with a potential partner before he can desire a sexual connection. An open marriage isn’t going to work in that situation. He would need to find a second partner, not simply seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

Your lack of desire may just be as a result of being in a stale marriage. I have first hand experience and can totally identify.

I have been married for 20 years and together for 25. I went off sex very early on. I got on ok with him but felt same as you physically.. Him still interested, me not. So we separated at last after years of struggling. It got so bad that I ended up quite repulsed by anything remotely sex related including even small acts of romance or kissing on tv. I put low libido down to age and even started thinking I was asexual and that my past relationships were all just fake (they are quite long ago so i started to doubt my memory)

however, Now, an old flame has returned to my life, like last couple of days. We just texted each other. That’s all.

and would you know it, the engine has started up again. All sensual feelings engaged once more. Keep fantasising about him. Even enjoyed watching a tv programme with a love theme and kissing in it. It made me think, ah how nice it would be to have a really good snog with someone. Honestly you probably just need to get out of your marriage and accept it’s depressing you.

I love my H, btw. I wish I could feel like that about him but I don’t. I’ve always been turned on by the thrill of the chase and I find marriage the least sexy thing Ever. Like having sex with a relative.

I really am sorry it’s probably going to end yiur relationship but there will be a point where your DH will need to go out and find what he needs. That’s what mine did. He got a GF. I totally understand why. And you cannot stay in an open marriage. An outside entity entering the union will smash your home life to pieces.

im sorry OP but you have to move on.

Oh and second the point that you can have a great situation after divorce. My and my H are getting on great and in fact better and I’m hopeful we can be good friends. This is despite him leaving me for someone else and that it’s still quite new. I have never felt happier tbh, and he seems happy too. The kids can see this and are also happy.

Your husband sounds like a nice person who deserves to have the intimacy he obviously needs. If I was you I would tell him the truth: you will never want to have sex with him and you think you are asexual and even though you love him and are happy with him - the option is there to end the relationship amicably so that he can look for a new wife. Give him the choice to walk away guilt free, if he wants to stay then he knows sex is off the table from now on.

Thank you @Hoppitybobbins, always nice to hear others’ stories/perspectives. Good luck with your old flame!

Thank you, this is the route I think I will go down. He knows the truth already, but I need to be clear and firm that it is not going to change.