Should we separate? (It's a sexless marriage one again)

[Pizzafordinner]

DH and I have been together for 15 years, one primary age DC. I am in a situation where I see no option but to separate and would love some outside opinions on this from people who don’t know us.

In a nutshell, everything is fine other than that we do not have sex because I do not want to. This includes all sexual intimacy which has had a knock on on all intimacy. I should say now that I do not for a minute believe that DH should force himself in to celibacy no matter how much he loves me.

I have had psychosexual therapy by myself which then led to two rounds of marriage counselling with a different counsellor, and between the two rounds I saw the marriage counsellor alone. Throughout this process I came to strongly believe that I may be asexual – I was never looking for a label or a reason for the lack of desire but all the exploring of past relationships as well as mine and DHs led me to that conclusion and he was always very keen to have a “why.”

DH has gone through a whole range of emotions during this time but is now very calm, no longer angry, and seems to be very optimistic. The other day he told me that he cannot continue like this, but that he really believes that there is nothing we can’t face and fix together. Which is lovely, but not how I see it. His end goal is to have sex, my end goal is to have none. I can’t meet him in the middle; we had a few very dark years where the coercion I experienced from him has put a blight on any possible sexual intimacy whether I want it or not (which I don't). In addition, I have had a complete change of mindset over the last few years and I now want to put my needs/wants first after decades of putting myself last. So there’s no ‘lie back and think of England’ going on here, it is a hard no and it’s not going to change. All of this was discussed in marriage counselling.

I love him very much and I have always wanted what is best for him. For a long time I was what was best for him, but I feel I no longer am. I cannot make him happy in the way he wants and deserves, and we only get one life. It would be a privilege and a joy to stay with him, retire with him, grow old with him, but sex is hugely important to him and so this is a deal breaker.

This will destroy him, me, our child, our families. But I really don’t see what else I can do.

Any thoughts very gratefully appreciated – I may even show him this thread if it feels useful.

I think you need to be very clear with him that his optimism is misplaced: you are not interested in trying to face and fix the lack of sex and there will be no more sex ever again. Then discuss how he sees things moving forwards on that basis, and whether he still remains optimistic about staying married.

An open marriage could be an option if it really is simply that he’d like the option to remain sexual and not have to lose that aspect of himself for the rest of his life (although personally I don’t think open relationships which are primarily open because you don’t fancy or want to have sex with your primary partner are always sustainable.) Has that been discussed before?

But ultimately it may be that you have to rip the plaster off and just file for divorce yourself. It sounds as if you want him to make the decision for you when you should really be asking yourself, however much you love him, whether you want to stay in a marriage where you know that regardless of what he says he’s accepted that he will always be hoping that you’ll one day change your mind. He will always be wanting something that is absent from your marriage; you will always be wary of so much as hugging or touching him or holding hands because you know that he will be hoping it may lead to more. That sounds a miserable way to live, for both of you. couldn’t stay in a relationship like that, either as you or your DH. It needn’t affect your DC as much as you fear it will. You can be excellent co-parents apart, and each better versions of yourselves when you’re more fulfilled and happy. That’s the most important thing for your DC.

Thank you so much for your kindly worded response; I agree.

We have discussed an open marriage before and he has always been consistently adamant that it's not something he wants to do, which is absolutely fair enough.

When did you stop having sex? Did you enjoy it before? Have you enjoyed with other people in the past? Do you fancy him?

-4 years ago was the last time, we had a bit of non-PIV intimacy since then but hardly any and none at all in the last 2 - 2.5 years.

-I enjoyed it at the very start of the relationship but it started dwindling after a few years. He was always way way way more in to it than I was.

-The therapy I have done has made me think a lot about DH and previous partners in as minute detail as I possibly can. The conclusion I came to was that I have never really understood what all the fuss is about and would much prefer not to do anything sexual. I had one long term relationship before DH which followed the same pattern, and the others were short term partners. I was absolutely head over heels when I first met DH so I guess I thought things might be different given the intensity of my feelings.

-I don't fancy anyone, which is why the asexuality question came in to play. I can appreciate people's physical characteristics but that's not quite the same?

I think you are doing dh, yourself, and ultimately your dc a disservice by staying in the marriage.

Thank you. I often think what advice I would give to a friend or even DC if they were experiencing the same thing. I just can't seem to take my own advice. It's so painful.

Yes. You both want different things and neither of you want to change. I’m assuming you wouldn’t be up for an open marriage?

I would be up for giving it a try but he doesn't want to which I absolutely respect.

About the open marriage thing... which one do you think is the case?

1 Do you think he's against it because of a genuine lack of interest?
2 Do you think he's against it because he doesn't like the idea of YOU potentially finding sexual happiness with someone else? (Many people like the idea of them meeting others, but for some strange reason (lol), they don't like their partner doing it).

1. Do you think he's against it because he's he's worried the relationship ship might fall apart?

He says that even with my consent, sleeping with someone else is just "not him". Our marriage counsellor suggested it and he always shut it down. (It would be for him to be able to have his needs met elsewhere, I wouldn't be doing anything with anyone else.) I wouldn't be so naive as to think he may fall for the person he is sleeping with but I am willing to try anything.

I know that he has mentioned on many occasions that the lack of intimacy has greatly affected his confidence, so perhaps that is also part of it. He's also crippled with guilt about DC, but at their age it would be grossly inappropriate for them to know/find out.

Thanks for your answers. I’m struggling with a similar issue myself. I think I was socially conditioned into believing that I liked all sorts of sexual things that I didn’t really like. But I’ve only realised that, slowly, ten years into a relationship. I don’t know how to explain to DH. It’s nothing weird or anything, just stuff like role play, or whatever. I feel I gave a false pretence without meaning to.

Sorry, typo, that should have said "I wouldn't be so naive as to think he may NOT fall for the person he is sleeping with but I am willing to try anything."

Yes me too. The social conditioning element is huge. I feel I always went along with it because it's what "normal" people do, whilst always being privately baffled at it. I suppose I was very good at pretending to be a "normal" person for years and it has utterly worn me down.

I've been there and some of the feelings you described are so similar. He had also stopped showing any kindness, or support years ago though which meant I was struggling with any respect for him.

I initiated a divorce because I realised I didn't want this to be the example of marriage/partnership for my kids. When he suggested we stay together and I didn't have to have sex but could I still get undressed in front of him so he could wank I realised it really was all about his physical needs with no thought about me, and that made me feel better about it all.

I can see it would be harder to make that break if you still have a loving relationship, but would ask whether 10 years down the line will it still be in a good enough state to co-parent well?

Thank you @SmokeWithoutFire, that sounds really tough and I’m glad you were able to put yourself first and leave.

We do have a loving relationship, in fact without this issue we’re probably the happiest we’ve been in many years. I do have the same concern as you though: if we were to call it quits now I think we’d be able to co-parent well and still get on. I don’t want to get to a situation where resentment creeps in and we can’t stand eachother.

Can I ask how old your kids were when you split and what you told them? I understand if you prefer not to share that!

If he is clear and understands the situation, if he doesn't want an open marriage because it doesn't feel right, and still chooses to stay with you, then right now he must be content.

A marriage is about so much more than sex.

If he knows that the door is open for him to leave, or to have a fwb or open marriage, but choses not to, why force something that will make everyone miserable?

It may change in time, but if you are happy, he is happy, your child is happy, why break it?

A marriage is about so much more than sex and perhaps your dh is content to be remain married regardless of the sex?

There are many marriages with very little or no sex. Depends on the happiness of the relationship generally.

I think we’re living proof that a marriage is about so much more than sex, and I love your take on the situation; thank you. I feel a huge burden to make a decision but when you put it the way you have, maybe it’s not just up to me.

He said this week that he can’t carry on like this so I know he’s not 100% happy, but really who is?!

Thank you. I don’t know if he is but I’m coming to see that I can’t decide that for him.

I’d say our relationship is fantastic on all other levels and I’m confident he’d agree.

What were the very dark years of coercion from him? That sounds more than just a partner wanting sex and vocalising that to you ..

Lots of things really: guilt trips, storming out of the house, silent treatment, repeatedly waking me up for sex when I had specifically asked him not to then having a massive go at me when I said no, groping me when I was awake and when I was asleep, ignoring any requests/boundaries I tried to put in place.

We talked about it in marriage counselling and we also talked about how it’s had a lasting effect on me. He knows that if any of that behaviour is repeated, it would be over.

Well OP, you're describing abuse really. So this is probably a major part of why you just don't fancy him.

Just reading that little list made my ovaries shrivel up .. honestly, get him gone. You shouldn't feel guilty about leaving a man who has behaved in this way - and this was not one off behaviour. It went on for years.

That’s hard to hear, but true. It was awful and if a friend was in the same situation I’d be telling them to run. Easier said than done I guess.

I can't reconcile the coercion described by you that you received from him with you saying your relationship is fantastic on all levels. How could he treat you like this?? Why this disonance?

It seems like a lifetime ago that that was all happening I guess. We discussed it in counselling and eventually moved on. It was probably 2-3 years ago and he hasn’t once repeated it. I’m not trying to minimise it; there was an element of forgiveness, and wanting so badly to put it behind me/us.