How do I get my 'ducks in a row'..?

[NeedToDivorce]

I think I need to end my marriage. My H's financial selfishness and skewed priorities have gone too far and I don't think I can stay in this marriage for much longer. This hit me last night, after he made another selfish financial revelation to me. I can't keep doing it.

But I'm terrified. I don't know where to start. I'm a low earning self employed part timer in my own sole trading business, while also being a 25% share holding director in another limited company. H is also a 25% shareholding CD, and another husband and wife are the other two 25% share holding CDs. The revelation DH made last night is that he is going to GIVE the other 2 shareholders £3k of HIS money from the business to help them fund a luxury £15k holiday to attend one of their relatives destination wedding.

Our mortgage has just increased significantly. We've borrowed an additional £45k when we remortgaged last month to fund big home improvements, and that £3k could be unbelievably helpful to throw back at the mortgage to bring our monthly payments down. In 15 yrs together, we've only had 4 holidays abroad. 3 of those were to a relatives holiday home where we didn't have to pay for accommodation. The other was a £99 Groupon deal for an out of season Eurocamp break. We've never even been able to consider a £15k luxury long haul holiday. I can't get my head around why we have to make sacrifices for them to have a luxury holiday.

But he says he felt "it was the right thing to do" to offer them this money. Not a loan either. He's offered to just give it to them.

He did not discuss this with me, I would never have agreed to it. He knows I wouldn't. So made this offer behind my back and then jovially dropped it into conversation last night put of the blue. I feel sick.

It's not the first time he's been shit with money and I spend my entire life trying to keep us on the straight and narrow financially. He hides/spends money in other accounts and for selfish things for his hobby. I'm exhausted with it and don't think I can stay in this marriage.

Please tell me how I get my ducks in a row, because the fall out from this is going to be catastrophic. I'm already panicking about the effect this will have on our DC and this has stopped me from leaving in the past.

Getting your ducks in a row means figuring out where you will live and making sure you compile an up to date list of your joint finances.

Your ducks should be silent.

copies of any financial papers you can get ahold of. Account numbers, passwords, etc.

gather your important paperwork like birth certificates and passports

see a solicitor

make a housing plan. If you are a low earner, you likely can’t afford to stay in the family home going forward. The easiest way to separate may be to just rent a place and move out. You meet with the solicitor first though to get advice on this.

100% agree with the other commenters. Take advantage of solicitors first free half an hour and have questions ready that you want answered.
See if maybe this list can help you get your ducks in order. Although it's called '28 day final lap' you can take your time doing them. https://iamlip.com/help-guides/pre-divorce/
If money is tight, the link I've put here also has other free help guides that can help you through your divorce if you can't afford a solicitor or need to do some of it yourself e.g. forms to save money. Hope this can help x

Take copies of everything. Bank statements. Pension statements, company accounts - everything you can find. Put all of the details in a spreadsheet along with house value, any other assets, your ages, salaries, and go and see a solicitor.

Does he have debt? Is there a chance he has debt you are not aware of? I assume all this would have come up during your recent mortgage application.

As soon as you’ve separated officially, apply for UC. You might be entitled to help as you are self employed, to get your business up on its feet.

Speak to an accountant too, as well as a solicitor.

Thanks all, really helpful advice. My heads a mess, and H is just carrying on as though nothings happened. But will get all this together.

I'd be out of here already but I've nowhere else to go. The living arrangements are a major worry for me. I literally have nobody or nowhere I can go to, and I wouldnt go anywhere without my DC anyway. But I know H won't move out, so we'll be stuck living in a toxic environment with each other until we sell the house. I know a separated couple who have been living like that for the last 4 yrs and I don't know how they bear it.