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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Co-parenting with a narc

9 replies

prettygreenteacup · 13/02/2024 14:56

How do you deal with this? I am so sick of constantly being made to be the unreasonable one, when standing up for myself or saying no to things which are only being asked of me, to make his life easier. I am so sick of him playing Perfect Dad. Then manages to turn any situation HE creates as me being the bad parent. I see right through him, he is a selfish fucker who has to be the victim. He's a smarmy, self-righteous git who never respected me and still doesn't. I'm so sick of the performance and dealing with the fallout of manipulative conversations he can twist. He makes me feel crazy. Am I supposed to just let him have his way? How do you deal with them.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 13/02/2024 15:04

What sort of things?
I’d avoid having any kind of protracted conversation. Say yes if it’s something that doesn’t bother you too much and no if it does. But don’t explain too much.
ignore as much as possible.

ShennyInfinity · 13/02/2024 15:08

How I can I start this, I'm also married to a Narc, you're not living together, you've lived your hell and you know your ex is a Narc BUT you don't have to deal with the fall out anymore, the silent treatment/slamming doors/cupboards when he doesn't get his way..............constantly, so, change your tactic, first and foremost, do not, I repeat, do not let this affect you emotionally, you know you're normal, you know he's not, just look at him while he's being a Narc, ignore it, stand your ground and walk away to the safety of your nice, quiet unemotional home and breathe! Next, switch off, don't get entangled in his chaotic world, it's not your World anymore, your World is normal, his will never be. I have given this link to someone else's post regarding Narcs, have a good read, the key is emotion, you're not together (CONGRATULATIONS) and get back to being you, learn all about Narcissism and take back your power X
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - HelpGuide.org

Narcissism involves self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, and a lack of empathy. These tips can help you recognize and cope with a narcissist.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 13/02/2024 15:10

You could be talking about my ex husband. Honestly, it's not easy and I spent a lot of years doubting myself and getting drawn into his bullshit. The best advice I can give you is to keep communication to a bare minimum and don't respond to any goading or attempts to start an argument. I'm just glad my DD is now of an age that I don't even have to speak to the fucker any more but for years it was very difficult.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 13/02/2024 15:14

Change your mindset. You can't co parent with a cunt.

ColourByNumbers88 · 13/02/2024 15:20

@Galeforcewindatmywindow has nailed it. There's no co-parenting with this sort of person. And sadly there are so many of them.

Sadly you have to still deal with them but minimal contact and a reminder that it's not you, it's them. As your child grows up they will realise what you did for them.

ColourByNumbers88 · 13/02/2024 15:21

And I wish mumsnet would make a co-parenting sub-topic.

AmaryllisChorus · 13/02/2024 15:41

I'd focus on encouraging your child to develop strong coping mechanisms.

They don't have to please daddy. They don't have to smile and play Perfect Family Parade in public and then tread on eggshells behind closed doors. They don't have to agree with him about everything. But he may fly into rages if they don't. So they may need strategies to prevent his tantrums and sulks if they show personality in front of him. And they may choose to pick their battles in order to maintain some control over the emotional fallout. Encourage them to understand this is strategic, not giving in.

If he sulks, demonstrate effective behaviour of your own. Stay calm, grey rock, don't dance attendance. If he starts screaming and hurling insults at you or the family, say calmly: I see things differently. I disagree with you and it is okay for us to have different opinions. We are autonomous adults.

Encourage DC to express feelings - especially negative ones – openly to you. Children of narcs are taught only to show happy feelings as narcs can't stand anyone but themselves to have a full set of emotions. An entire childhood of suppression can lead to some pretty neurotic behaviour in adulthood, or a desire to act out like him, since he alone is allowed rages and crying fits and self-pitying monologues. Teach them all feelings are valid and how to express them appropriately not abusively. You can do this when he's not around - maybe at bedtimes or out on walks.

I'd say stuff like: You know dad. It's so important to him that we look like a perfect happy family when we are out. But you know, I don't see the world that way. I think we have lots of feelings for good reason and it's healthy to express them. You know you can always tell me if you are sad or angry or down. No one is perfect and Dad isn't good at coping with negative emotions, but that doesn't mean they are not healthy. Come to me if you have them.

If they are very young you can just ignore any controlling behaviour from him and just say: You seem sad/angry/worried. That's a very normal emotion, you know! Do you know why? What can I do to help you? (Don't say to help you feel better - allow them to have the emotion they have)

Teach them how to self soothe - to find a calm, quiet space to sit with their feelings or to use exercise as a release rather than aggression. To practise self-love if they feel let down or deeply disappointed.

Teach them autonomous thinking. They don't have to be good at sport/music/get A*s/become lawyers/join the family firm etc to deserve love. They are allowed to choose to follow their own path.

If you chat openly about emotional intelligence (no need to call it that), not criticising him but explaining you see things differently, then it will be easier as they get older for them to see through any Disney dad performative parenting and to trust you as the parent who accepts them as they are.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 13/02/2024 15:43

My exh was so bad ds once told me he knew his df hated me more than he loved him. The bastard still managed to poison him against me.
When we moved a bit further away I found masses of inner strength. After keeping to the court order to the letter and driving 500 miles a week I bought 2 small calendars. Wrote 6 months arrangements on it and handed him 1. Then I never contacted him again. Youngest was 10....

prettygreenteacup · 13/02/2024 15:57

Thanks everyone. We've been divorced a few years now. Kids 8 and 5. He lives with his GF and her DD. My eldest DD is so insecure about her father she will do anything to please him. Youngest heading the same way. They constantly compete for his attention with this other child. He is a typical Disney Dad who throws money and "treats" at them constantly.
I really am trying to disengage and not be set off by his manipulating words. Its really tough. Latest thing is him putting ideas in their head about stopping clubs because he moved further away and can't be arsed to drive them now. Yet he won't hear anything about me having them for those days (I live local to them, he moved away), because he has to perform as the perfect dad. I'm angry for my girls and sad that they will be the collateral damage of his selfishness, as sadly they can't divorce him.

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