So fearful of calling it a day

[soscared123]

With DH 35 years, married for 25. 2 DC, 18 (at uni) and 16 (about to do GCSEs)

It's been over for years; we met when we were 20 and he has been my only serious relationship. Very early on it was apparent we were polar opposites but somehow the rosy tint of youth glosses over the red flags. I don't hate him, in fact still care about him in some ways, but I am no longer prepared to live with someone who has opposite views in virtually everything. He refuses to discuss anything and says the issue is with me. I am concerned about DD, that she sees us living virtually separate lives and my increasing resentment.

The problem is I am so scared of the unknown; I can picture a happy life on my own but am fearful of how I can possibly get there.

To compound things we have had a horrible few years, culminating in his business going to insolvency. He is now working in a warehouse for a fraction of what he was earning and I am doing the same in retail. We also have a house which is mid major renovation, no realistic budget to be able to finish it even to a basic standard and probably very difficult to sell as it is.
There is currently no way I can afford to move out or start again.

Therefore I am trapped and becoming more depressed by the day. Is there any route through this at all?

Are you in separate bedrooms, or can you be?

I could use our DS's room as a temporary solution - well I could've until DH decided it would be a great space to store all his building materials and dismantle the bed.

I am hyper conscious that DD is about to sit her GCSEs.

Ironically my own parents split at the same point in my life and although under very different circumstances it completely fucked me up.

I’d tell him you want a divorce in 18-24 mths.

Focus on getting the house up to some kind of selling standard. Wait for DD to do her GCSEs.

Insist the spare room is cleared out.

If there is no abuse this would be my advice. If DD is witnessing arguing or emotional/physical abuse by either party then pull the trigger now

If you can I would hold on until
GCSEs are out the way. 6 months in the scheme of things is not a lot of time.

I would be taking the time until DD has finished her GCSE’s to get your ducks in a row.
Save up points at Tesco/Boots etc. look at what you can sell then, like gold jewellery, and clothes in Vinted. Play the long game.

No abuse, just the death throes of a long marriage and a DH who would rather stick his head in the sand than admit it's over.

I agree with the other comments to hold off as long as you're safe, but don't try to convince yourself to stay in that time if it sacrifices your happiness. Your wellbeing is also important as well as your childrens' wellbeing. Take this time to get your things together whilst your child is doing their GCSEs so that you're ready. This may be a helpful checklist for you - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/pre-divorce/ and you can do each step when you feel the time is right. Although it's called 28 day final lap, you can do this over time. Mainly focus on the steps involving getting your stuff in order.
The rest of the help guides can help you figure out how you want to do the divorce xx
Hope this could help x

Horrible row a few nights ago when I told him I wanted out and he has literally shut himself away from the whole family. No interaction with any of us which is fine for me but total shit thing to do to DD.
He stomps around making a mess, doing zero housework (not that he did much before) or anything for anybody else. Literally like living with another stroppy teenager.

I was hoping we could live like grown ups under the same roof at least until DD has finished her exams but quickly realising it's not realistic. The atmosphere is horrible.