Financial abuse - at my wits end with this piss take

[bobdobbolina]

I've posted before about how STBX stopped paying bills on our house but feel like I'm so stressed I'm losing the plot and need advice. I've been trying to divorce him for a yr now, he's a total narcissist doing everything he can to cause chaos and hurt me both emotionally and financially - refused then stalled mediation, refused to come to the table with anything like a true picture of his finances, so I've finally bitten the bullet and filed court papers and made a (genuinely fair) offer through solicitors. Which he has ignored. Waiting on court date and form E etc now. (There's loads more awful shit but don't want to write war and peace...)

He's self employed and has done the full works minimising his income to try and shaft me, started claiming benefits (after prev earning c.£100k), and stopped paying household utility bills back in the summer (conveniently around the same time I found my first job in years). I've been paying my half of all bills in joint names (which used to be covered by income from his work) but now we're both being taken to court for his arrears.

Does anyone have experience of trying to get some kind of emergency court order to get him to stump up his share? I genuinely can't afford to cover it all. He's claiming (variously) that he 'cant afford' to pay, or that he's paying 'loads of other household costs', which I don't doubt but non of which are actually essential (3 different streaming services?) and of course he's paying those becuase it's only his name on those bills. Basically, he says whatever comes into his head to avoid actually paying. At one point it was that I have the children more than he does, so I should cover more of the costs (even though what this actually means is that he should be paying me child maintenance, which i haven't even bothered asking for because he'll just try to say he 'hasn't got it'.) ANything in our joint names he's stopped paying because he knows it will hurt me, ruin my credit and shaft me for the future. Fuck this prick.

The final pisstake is he's now asking me about varying our childcare rota so he can take the kids on a foreign holiday next month WHILE ALSO saying he can't/won't contribute to joint bills all in arrears even though we're being taken to court because he's not paid a penny while I've been breaking myself to cover my half and then some.

What the fuck do I do? I want the kids to have a nice holiday, and have no problem with him taking them somewhere nice. But not when that means it's literally at my expense with the stress of court, credit blacklisting, potentially ordered to pay huge debts (gas alone is £2.5k) and have him claim to anyone who will listen he can't/shouldnt have to pay because he 'hasn't got enough' which is clearly bullshit. He doesn't care that he's also facing these things because he's in control of it.

Should I try to get some order against him? Or suck it up knowing I can't pay all arrears even if I'm solely ordered to? Is there room in the process to explain to any arrears hearing how he's been behaving or show the inconsistencies in his account of why he's not paying? Does the fact he's financially abusing me count for anything in the legal system? Any help or advice gratefully received.

(sorry this got so long I am furious)

You need a lawyer.

What's the ultimate plan for the house? sell and split?

what has your solicitor said? Are you still in the same house? Did you plan to do this as a DIY divorce?

He wants to buy me out, but basically can't afford to at a level that is anywhere close to be enough for me to reasonnably rehouse myself. This is the whole sticking point - he just wants to bully me into leaving with much less than is fair, and has been making everything so so difficult with this goal in mind because once i'm out he has literally no incentive to actually complete a divorce settlement and double his mortgage/reduce his standard of living. He could just drag it out for years.

I wanted to stay in the house initially but accepted that I probably couldn't afford to buy him out. I'd be happy for him to buy me out at a fair level, (easiest all round and probably quickest) or sell.

And your solicitor? What have they said?

She mentioned there could be options to try to get an emergency order, but that there's a risk it might go against me as he will just say/show his (fraudulent) benefits claim to justify why he can't pay. I have no money left to pay for any other advice as know I'll also need to pay now we're in the court process and am on the bones as it is.

Initially I hoped this would be an easy amicable split as no infidelity/bad feeling etc i just felt i couldn't go on. LOL. It's been a living nightmare.

Really would help to hear if anyone had actually tried this route and what it involved/what the outcome was becuase it feels pretty high stakes to me

If he is no longer living in the house then he's not liable for bills other than half the mortgage until it's sold
I think you need to get the house on the market take your 50% and get out of there asap then he won't be able to control you anymore
You need to get a CMS claim in asap

Thanks, but he is living in the house 🙁 We are 'nesting' and taking it in turns to be here with the kids with me having slightly more time than him. The mortgage is in his name so I can't put it on the market without his agreement.

I've been asking to put it on the market for a year now. He just refuses saying he will 'buy me out' then fails to provide any sensible way that can happen.

Am investigating what to do re CMS. Suspect it will be a dead end because he's just play the 'I'm on benefits and can't afford to' card

It wouldn’t even that clear he is liable for half the mortgage payment. But yes, the OP needs to apply for CMS.

OP
what are your current housing arrangements and do you claim UC plus all your benefits.

It is easier to apply for CMS and UC than interim support. Most people go down that route. If he is unemployed and that is accepted by everyone from DWP to HMRC what would you be able to show in court.

If he lives in the house he should pay half the bills. If he doesn’t live there and is unemployed, the bills are yours to pay and all you get is CMS.

An abusive narcissistic is never going to let you have an amicable divorce. I think you need to forget that option and be prepared to have to formalise the situation and escalate to court.

@bobdobbolina
I would consider finding your own place, it's not healthy this way for either you or the DC
The divorce will provide a financial order as to your share of all marital assets

It's clear he's not going to make it easy so it's time to force his hand

Speak to your solicitor about forcing a sale of the house. That hopefully will make him stump up a fair offer or the house will be sold for fair market value. Either way, you'll have your fair share.

@LemonTT so we currently have an 8/6 split at home with kids over a fortnight. I'm working and earning so not eligible for UC or any benefits. Having to pay rent for somewhere to go when it's his time in family home means there is nothing else left of what should be a reasonable wage. But I've been advised not to move out of the family home completely as he would just scupper any potential sale once I'm out the picture. Also me effectively 'rehousing' myself means he will then claim my need for equity is less. I can't buy anywhere without share of the equity and rentals are 6times the price of our current mortgage.

been waiting a month already since form A submitted and still not even had date for first hearing. I'm fully accepting that it's time to force the issue It just feels so unjust that he can do this to me in the meantime and get away with it ☹️

Ask your solicitor to get a forensic accountant to investigate your stbx's financial shenanigans.

Thanks for all the responses. I would love nothing more than a forensic investigation of all his bullshit finances but realistically won't be able to afford this.

I submitted a cms claim yesterday so at least that's in progress. His response was to ask again for me to stop 'withholding' the children from him (we have 8/6) and to call me a money grabber🙄🙄🙄

so I eagerly await confirmation of my £0 a month non payment from him.

meanwhile he's now booked a weeks holiday for him and the children which apparently 'someone else' is paying for.

does anyone know how long you'd expect to wait to hear first hearing date once form A submission? Still heard nothing and it's been a month now