What should I do about my name???

[KeepSmiling89]

Just looking for some opinions here.
I'll be applying for a divorce from my abusive ex later this month and have been contemplating what to do about my surname. For the sake of anonymity etc, I'm going to use the oh so generic "Smith" and "Jones" surnames...

My married name is Mrs Smith...ex is Mr Smith. DD's surname is also Smith. My maiden name is Miss Jones.

I would like to go back to being Miss Jones again, but I don't want to lose that 'connection' name-wise to my DD (she's 2 years old for info).

I've also heard something about not being able to take DD abroad if we've got different surnames without ex's permission or something...or is that a check that's carried out regardless of names?

I'm considering just changing my title to Ms Smith so I still have the same surname as DD but no longer identified as married.

Also wondering if the hassle of changing my name back to my maiden name is actually worth it??

I would keep my name the same as DD and use Ms.

You could change back when she is an older teen if you still want to.

I went back to maiden name after divorce, different name to my kids but never been a problem at all. If you're worried about travel then take copies of their birth certificates with you. Also, the hassle is minimal as it's your name you just go back to using it and get all your official docs changed. I'm now remarried and still use my maiden name.

Thanks...I did think about her birth certificate as my maiden name is on there as well so still confirms that I'm her mum.
I think it's more accepted these days that some children have different names to either one (sometimes both!) of their parents.

Any other ideas/thoughts/opinions?

Sorry, just bumping again to see if anyone else has ideas on this....?

You could change it, but leave your passport Smith.

I was in a similar dilemma when I divorced - been married for 20 years and 3 late teen children. didn't want a different name to them so just use Ms instead of Mrs.

You need her birth certificate and permission from her dad to travel anyway so in that sense it doesn't matter which name you choose. Personally I would want to return to my maiden name if I was to divorce even if it's different for my DD's one.

Wait as you may meet another man with the same surname - it can happen,

You technically can't take her abroad without his permission whatever her surname is but they rarely ask for evidence. You will need to have a copy of her birth certificate in your phone and will be more likely to be asked to show it if you have different surnames but it's not a problem.

also change your title to Ms regardless IMO :)

I have been wondering the same thing as I'm in the same position. I'm know professionally by my married name so will realistically need to keep it. I think I will revert to Ms.

Names are nothing to do with travel. Countless cultures all over the world have one parent having a different surname to their child so immigration officers are well used to it. Checks happen more often now than they used to, but it's not simply because of a name.

Unless you have a court order giving you residency and permission to take her abroad without asking him you need his permission anyway, just as he needs yours, so that shouldn't be a factor in your name issue.

I have always kept my name. DC have DH's surname. I have travelled alone with them abroad and was never asked if I was their mother.

If someone was abusive towards me there is no way I’d want to be lumbered with their name. Id change it.

Can you ask your ex if you can change your dad name to smith-jones?

My DCs were older. I changed my name back to my maiden name on divorce, but didn't take DH name when I remarried. So our household is Mrs Smith, Mr Jones, and Master and Miss Brown. It's fine, except at Xmas when people have to choose how to address Xmas cards to the whole family.

You'll need his permission to take DC abroad regardless of name, unless you have a Child Arrangements Order, which you will only get if you can't agree shared care between you and the court has to make an order.

I had my maiden name after divorce from my DCs' dad and only once was I asked by a Border Force official to prove I was their mother. I did so by telling him he was welcome to take them off my hands if he wanted to! He said that in future I should travel with copies of their birth certificates, my marriage certificate and the deed by which I had reverted to my maiden name.

I kept married surname so I'd have the same name as my DC. Just changed Mrs to Ms.

Thanks for everyone's suggestions!
It's frustrating as exes abuse was (and still sometimes is) emotional and coercive control so having to ask his permission to take DD abroad just feeds into his need for control. I don't see him refusing, but it's the principle that just grates me!
I'm not fussed about changing DD's name - again, it's something I'd have to go to my ex about anyway so not something I want to put myself through.

It's infuriating @KeepSmiling89 because if he has a girlfriend or remarries at some point they never ask for mum's ok. My ex loves rubbing it in that he's never asked as they just assume he and his wife are DDs parents. Meanwhile I get asked to prove parentage and permission every single time. Not sure this is avoidable by keeping his name though

It may be worth suggesting putting together a parenting plan for things like holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc. If he doesn't agree then going for a formal order (mediation is best avoided when one party is abusive) may be in your interest so that you don't need his permission every time you go anywhere, and to have down formally that your DC resides with you.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings we've got a shared care arrangement in place already (been separated nearly a year now) and agreed on alternate Christmas and New Year plans etc.
DD lives with me 4 nights a week and with her dad 3 nights a week so HMRC decided I would be the one to receive child benefit. There was a battle and a half there as ex doesn't work, is claiming UC and said I was being selfish for deciding to "take the child benefit away from him". He seems to have settled down with this now. However, because I'm receiving child benefit, I'm seen as DD's "main carer". Also had to get a GP to write a letter confirming she lived with me.
DD and I live with my mum at the moment so I can see a battle potentially down the road when I decide to look for my own place and it's not in the same town as my ex (her dad).

Yes to this.

I've got the same name as my children and I've been questioned at passport control.

A lot of it depends on where you are going. If you are going to the South of France for a fortnight that's one thing but if you have a one way flight to Vietnam that's another.

I don’t know the legality of this so could be a load of tosh, but could you change your daughter’s surname to Jones-Smith but have her known as Daughter Jones?
My kids have double barrelled surnames(mine and ex’s) but sometimes chose to just use his surname. It is more interesting than mine tbf! We are all still v amicable so I don’t mind.
I never had any issues with taking them abroad by myself and it never occurred to me to get ex’s permission, but have things been tightened up recently?

I changed back. He was a nasty abusive man so I wanted nothing to do with him. I am sad i dont share my ds name though. Dd is not fussed really, sometimes she likes being different other times she wants my name. I think if she were to take a future husbands name and I'd kept ex name this would leave me wanting to change my name at a much later date. My dd however has watched so many breakups and knows kids with different names to their mum and is adamant she won't be a man's property she will keep her name.

I Had a child with a new partner and I insisted we double barrel and I will never change my name for a man again (wonder where my dd got her opinion lol). This is something to consider yourself- are you done having kids? Will you get married again and take his name? That may impact how you feel