When did you tell your teenagers about your new relationship?

[bananasplit07]

I’ve been separated for 6 months and am in the process of getting divorced. My STBEX left the family home as soon as we separated. I have 2dc aged 13 and 17. I’ve been seeing someone for about 2 months and it’s going really well - I only meet up with him when my dc are staying with their dad which is once during the week and every other weekend, but we text a lot all the time in between.

My question is if you have teenagers, when did you tell them about your new bf? Not when did they meet him but when did you decide to tell them about him? At the moment, when they ask who I’m texting or who I’m out with (they sometimes call when they’re at their dads), I just say ‘a friend’ and my youngest always then wants to know ‘which friend’ ‘where are you’ ’what are you doing’ - I feel like she’s interrogating me! - so then I end up lying and mentioning a random friend but the difficult thing is that they know all friends, so any new name is an intense curiosity to them.

I am a very open person and until the separation have always been very open with my kids. I hate lying/keeping the truth from them, especially as my relationship with their dad ended because I found out he was serially unfaithful to me, via apps, for many years. And my eldest was the one who discovered it. I did mention to my eldest dc a couple of months ago that I might start dating and she got really upset so I didn’t mention anything to my youngest although my eldest dc could well have told her. So that’s what makes me really reticent about telling them.

They are already struggling with the idea that we’ll soon be moving out of the family home into a smaller house. So this feels like I’m just piling more and more on them. But the lying just seems like a terrible example to set plus I’m absolutely hopeless at it - I just make everything sound more suss.

I don’t feel worried about when to introduce them to him as I know I won’t be doing that until I’m sure it’s a long term relationship and I’m confident I’ll know when the time is right for that, but it’s just knowing when I should actually just start being open with them about the fact that I’ve got a new friend that’s a ‘boy’ (at 48 🙃)and that that’s who I’m texting, and that’s who I’m out with.

So any advice you have to offer from your own experience would be greatly appreciated.

I'm interested to read other people's advice as I've been separated for less than 2 months, ex husband has a new girlfriend and has met her teenage son. I've made it clear not to discuss the new partner with our kids until we both agree the time is right or it is necessary.

Given the history I think your instinct to be honest with them is right. I would tell them you have a new friend who is male. Or if you think that might be too much at the moment explain to the person you're seeing why you need to ne a bit less in contact via text for the next few months. But maintaining a visible texting relationship that you have to lie about doesn't sound like it will end well.

interesting thread - am coming to the end of my year long divorce process and have been seeing someone for most of that time (not linked, just coincidental timing, marriage was long dead) and we have 2 children each aged 11, 12, 13 and 14. He's happy talking to his children about me but it's too soon for my children to really know but it feels like the relationship is a long haul one and I hate the evasive "friend" thing.

Unfortunately that's not really your call. He can choose to tell the kids when he feels it's right. That's the thing about being separated, you lose some of the control over what happens with your kids and just need to trust that their other parent will do the right thing.

I have 2 teenage SSs. They were 13 and 14 when I met DH. He told them about me when we knew things were serious and had discussed moving in together, which was after about 3 months, quite quick I know but we'd known each other 20 years prior to getting together.

You could tell your kids and even just say you've been dating and it's not serious or anything yet so they don't worry about some new guy moving in or anything.

Just call him your friend. You’re allowed to have friends. Old and new, male and female. I’ve been seeing someone for about 6 months, maybe more. I was still referring to him as “my friend X” until quite recently.

I definitely overshare with my DCs (aged 17-24) so I’m maybe not the best person to advise, but I hate lying on all forms, white lies, evasion or outright porkies, so I’d rather not have to make up stories about who I’m talking to or panic when a notification pops up on my phone. They know I’ve been on loads of dates, they’ve accidentally bumped into me and a date in town, I’ve had some of them round for dinner when it’s got a bit more serious. None of them have stayed the night and I haven’t stayed at theirs, I’ve been away with dates occasionally, so I’m sure they know I’ve had a physical relationship with some of them. They’re grown ups and they have BFs and GFs to stay. However, I’ve been split with their dad many years so it’s a bit different I think. It does seem very soon to be dating already.

I've been separated for 18 months, but exh still lives here in the family home. We had an agreement early on that we could date, but I didn't want to tell the kids initially, they were 19, 16 and 14 at the time. Ex sent a WhatsApp to the group saying I was out on dates all the time and outed me to the kids. They didn't speak to me for a whole day which was devastating.

I told them at that point that I was dating but it wasn't serious.
Fast forward a year. I met someone in September last year and from the outset it's been quite serious. I told my kids about him after 6 weeks or so. They are really happy to see me so happy.
I've always been really open with them and have tried to make them feel secure whilst dating a new man. Not easy. But we seem to be doing ok. Good luck OP

Personally, I don’t think your dcs are ready for you to be dating someone new. Finding out their dad was cheating, him moving out and you having to leave the family home as well is a lot in 6 months and I think throwing that you have a new man in the mix might be too much for them to get their head around. I also hate lying so would probably just avoid texting him when they are around. Teenage DCs need you a lot more than you think when things have gone wrong.

When you’re sure it’s serious and when the kids have had a chance to get used to their new situation, ie probably once you’ve settled in to your new homes and you know the kids are ok emotionally.

Text your man less when you’re with the kids.

My teens have known when I'm going on a first date, mainly because they never go to their dad's and naturally ask questions about where I am going if I go out and I won't lie to them. Their dad and I have been divorced for over 10 years though.

Obviously your situation is different in that it is all quite raw at the moment. I would probably be honest with them, in that you are out with a new male friend, but make extra effort to reassure them that they are still your priority. Use your free time to develop the relationship and minimise the texting when they are with you.

Thanks everyone - it’s been really interesting and valuable to hear your own experiences. I think I’ll start to just be a bit more open with them - saying his name in a matter of fact way if they ask who I’m out with, to start with, and then deal with any questions that arise from that.

I’m in a similar boat. Separated early last summer, DC are 13 and 15. Been seeing someone for 4 months and we are planning to go away together soon. So that feels like a milestone.

I have similar views about keeping too much from the DC. Obviously it’s a balance but I can hardly expect them to be open with me about their lives if I am withholding what is becoming a significant part of my life. It goes to the heart of trust, integrity and respect.

however, how to introduce it is a challenge! I’ve mentioned that I’m dating, and this week I’m going to mention a name then go from there.

It also does mean that the stbxh will need to know as well 😬

It's a year since I left my exH. Been seeing someone for about 5 months and it is serious. I only see him when I don't have the kids though, mine are 8 and 14. I think I'll tell them about him soon, but they won't meet him for another few months until I feel ready to take that step. When I tell them I will also tell exH. Not because he has any right to know at all, but because I don't want the children feeling that they are responsible for telling him or keeping a secret.

@Mumtoboys82 yes that’s exactly
how I feel about the ex - he doesn’t need to know, but it’s not on the kids shoulders.

No plans for the DC to meet the guy I’m seeing. I have ample time to spend with him when the DC are at their Dad’s. It’s more the fact of them knowing there is someone new in my life. As the OP says, they know all my friends and family, so it’s right he’s now included in that as well.

What would you think if your OH was in a relationship with the person they cheated on you with?
I find it difficult to reconcile the fact that neither of them, more specifically the other person, had/have no respect for you marriage or you and decided to ignore your feelings.
How would you feel about you DC forming a relationship with them unaware of the circumstances? The this new partner is the cause of their parents separation.

Mine knew quite soon with my current relationship - my older dd guessed though (like you I started off by saying I was going out with various friends). But I've been divorced 9 years and this isn't my first post-divorce relationship, so they are much more relaxed about me dating. My children felt much more different to me dating than my ex - he moved in with someone very quickly - and they took longer to get used to me dating than him.

I think it's very soon for you - they will still be dealing with the divorce. Mine knew I was dating about 18 months after we split and with that first relationship it was still hard for them I think.

I'd say about 18 months, before meeting and even then not meeting them if you didn't think it was going to be serious.

It's not an affair partner though, it's someone she met after they split so not sure how this is relevant?

Straight away, mine were a little older than yours op at 18&19 and never stayed at their dads (very close by so no point). One of mine set up my online dating profile

Should add one of mine would grab my phone and swipe left or right for me ... they found it hilarious. Met dp fairly soon and one dd met him after 3 dates by accident (she came home early from her boyfriends) the other met him a month later when she got back from university