Can we separate and live together

[Toarrie]

OH and I are on the verge of separating. Two young kids. No big drama but I’d probably work at it, he doesn’t want to try.
we are tied into a mortgage for over 4 years. We earn roughly the same and cannot afford to pay for another place. Is there another option other than living together for up to 4 years when we can get out of the mortgage deal? Or am i missing something?
No family nearby one of us can live with full time.
We have space in our house. A spare bedroom one of us can sleep in and enough living space so one of us can sit in the living room and one in the snug in the evening. But how do we manage things like the kitchen space? Making dinners?
what about childcare/doing stuff with the kids at weekend?
will I feel like a stranger in my own home?

I am in this situation (living together after separation) and it's hell. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The worst thing is the impact its having on our young DC. You may think things will be amicable and have the best of intentions, but emotionals run high after separation and very few people could manage the situation well enough to live together whilst also shielding the DC from the effects.

Whilst I am not doing his laundry or cooking for him etc, I'm still doing the bulk of the work for the DC and it's impossible to change this balance until we live apart. It's really messy, especially when you bring children into the mix. Separate grocery shopping isn't really an option for this reason.

If you have any other options, do that instead

You can pulll out of the mortgage there will just be an early cancellation free . I'd be tempted to pay it and move on

Thank you for reply. I am so sorry you are going through that.
i am worried i will end up doing the bulk of the childcare as they naturally want me more. I thought of setting in days where it is ones responsibility but I can’t really say no I’m not helping you with that ask you dad.
There really are no other options unless we can sell the house and we are tied into mortgage.
He could have the odd night at family or friends maybe even a set few nights with his dad but I don’t have anywhere else. My parents could maybe help me buy him out but the house is too big for me and the mortgage and bills would take up a lot of my salary. Then he would end up in a better position than me able to get a small house with more manageable bills so it seems unfair.

I know. I am just not sure it would be affordable.

So buy him out, then downsize and transfer mortgage once it's in your sole name?

As above, buy him out (though have you checked the mortgage company would let you take on the mortgage in your own name or is it too high compared to your earnings?) and then move and transfer the mortgage when you're ready. It might actually give you some breathing space to stay in the house without husband for a while before you then downsize - doing everything at once is very stressful!

How much would it be to finish the mortgage early?

What are you going to do when one of you meets someone else?

The idea is untenable for two adults and it is unfair for children growing up in this environment. They are living through years of a dysfunctional relationship.

I doubt it would work or that you ex would agree to it anyway, at least not long term. It could easily and very predictably turn toxic.

Your posts imply you could afford a smaller place on your own with help from your parents. And so could he. So why stay together what is the real barrier because it doesn’t sound like money.

To add to my post, as a first port of call I would speak to your lender and they can talk you through all your options. If you port a mortgage to a new property the repayment fees are often not applicable. Can he buy you out? He might be able to remortgage in that case and get a different rate.

Bird-nesting? Not sure whether it really works in practice - but the theory is that you jointly rent a nearby flat/bedsit/room in a shared house (whatever you can afford) and take turns between staying there and the family home so you're not under each other's feet and each have time alone with the kids.

If you want to keep your sanity you find a way to move out. Do you really expect both of you to remain single for four years?!