50/50 split - is that the norm here?

[iammorethanjustamum]

Hi Everyone…

I am mid 40s with 3 kids, 13,11 and 3 and just starting the separation process after 20 years together and 13 years married.

We live 5-bed house at the moment and own a 2 bed flat that is rented out (flat is 1.5miles away from house).

I want out of the “family” home with the kids and probably 90% custody (there will be no contest on that part) and 50% of the equity through sale or buy out.

I want to move to the 2 bed flat (large Victorian and I’ll share with the toddler and two girls will share), this will mean a smallish mortgage, easier for kids to walk to school, train station, park and ill be able to afford days out/holidays whereas if I stayed in the 5bed it would be a stretch mortgage wise and I couldn’t buy out, I don’t earn enough.

I also don’t want to be in the house, keeping it tidy whilst a potential sale goes through.

For context STBXH earns about 30k more than me has probably 40k savings and will be set for probably over 15k bonus in April, but I don’t want anything other than what CMS will state.

I don’t want anything extra I just want my half, we've put in more or less the same ££ over the years, more time, energy and love from me and some more money from him based on always getting larger bonus than me.

I just don’t need the whole extra narrative that going for more than 50% of everything is going come with as he turns into the victim in all this.

Its a long story of emotional abuse.

Anyone bored enough to get to the end want to offer any advice, just a chat or handhold, anything appreciated.

Based on the limited info here it likely to be a 50:50 or near it split ( if all houses but not necessarily in same proportion ie you get say 60% equity but 20% pension if whatever to leave with total 50% of assets)

thete will be people say you will either share as have kids but based on

lentgh of marriage
earnings not too dissimilar (30k gross by time it’s net and cms is considered means monthly income won’t be massively off)
and ability to house yourself and children on a 50% split

this is what I was advised by my solicitor

pf course you also need to fa tie in time and cust if fighting fir higher share e.g is 10% extra share is say 60k but it costs you 30 in feee plus emotional stress it might not be worth it

Of all assets not if all houses!

Gah bloody auto correct and typos

people will say you will get higher share not either share !

Couples can, assuming they have capacity, agree to any split so 50/50 is absolutely fine.

Both of you needs to complete a form with all your assets on then you can decide how to split eg equity vs pension vs savings. Ideally do this amicably or use a mediator rather than solicitors as the only winners there are the solicitors! You can file for your divorce online then get a solicitor to draw up a consent order based on your agreement, if you can't agree then you will need to use solicitors to negotiate but as I said, avoid if you can. Don't sell yourself short though.

Can't help with the financials but how long do you plan to live in a 2 bedroom place with 3 children? The older 2 will not want to share for long and your sanity might not cope with always having a youngster in your room. Would it be better to look for somewhere bigger and ask for 60/40 of all assets (plus savings etc).

If you can both get re-established in life on a 50/50 share of assets, then that is likely to be accepted by courts etc.. That means all assets, including pensions, savings, etc., net of debts.

You may be able to get a bit more, but (as you seem to be implying) that could be more of a struggle and costly. So, if the ex is OK with 50/50, you could have a relatively simple split.

However, is sharing a 2-bed flat with 3 kids really sustainable longer-term?

regarding the 2 bed - its not sustainable long long term no, only 1 house on the market at the moment remotely suitable that i could afford but in flood risk zone - so not really viable

if a house were to come up that I could afford id defo go for it straight away, what I don't want to do is really stretch myself and then not be able to offer them the same days out and holidays as before for the sake of a couple of years sharing.

the girls get on relatively well and toddler (i know wont be a toddler forever) but currently getting into bed with me every night at moment anyway...

but to sell initially ALL would mean capital gain tax on the flat, so best that one of us moves there.

due to emotional support of kids and work schedules they'll be with me most of the time, he cant and wont want to have them more than 1 night a week

the locality of the flat means the older girls can have certain freedoms - school > Home, station for access to shopping, meet at park with friends whereas the house is 1.5-2.5 miles away from all that and would involve driving which means much less freedom.

he has little or no pension but savings, and I have a pension so swings and roundabouts I guess.

Id like him to buy me out of the family home, kids would have continuity there but realistically they'll be with me 90% and him 10% cos he's just not that sort of dad.

I just want a simple split TBH

You may or will need to demonstrate you made an informed decision that wasn’t coerced. For that you need go through the process of declaring assets and agreeing a split that ensures your needs are met.

The issue you will have is that your housing needs are not met. Plus if you have experienced emotional abuse then you have been coerced into accepting less.

A couple of other flaws in your plan.

1. he might decide to fight even a generous offer from you and you won’t get a quiet life or even a quick settlement
2. by giving into his abuse you don’t stop it, you give him the excuse to continue. Asserting yourself is a better strategy with a bully.
3. he might refuse to shoulder the financial burden of the big house on his own and expect you to contribute.

I agree with @LemonTT

In 3 years time (when divorce finally through) will this situation be working for you long term? No.

You just sound desperate to get out to me. You are doing yourself an inustice IMO.

He will fight you for every single thing, the more reasonable you are.

I know where you are coming from. I tried to ‘pay off’ my ex and offered him a generous lump sum during mediation, assuming he’d bite my hand off. Even the mediator said it was a generous offer. He made all the right noises for a while but when it came to writing up the agreement he put the breaks on. 2 years later and we are heading for a final hearing with him being completely unreasonable. The expense that’s gone into it is insane (I am self representing after wasting £20k). His motivation seems to be solely to prolong the drama for as long as possible and constantly asking for hearings to be moved.

My advice would be to see a solicitor, put a generous offer in front of him on an open basis. If he doesn’t accept and you do end up in court, at least you have the chance to claim your costs back, having made an open offer and if he is then unreasonable.

What did you decide to do in the end OP?

I’m weighing up a small 3 bedroom place with 4 kids to get out of the family home….

My partner chose to go 50/50 with her ex husband although would have probably got more than that due to housing the children, less pension, time out of workforce having children, earning less - the only thing I would say is that it becomes harder as children grow up, mortgage rates potentially increase, when you can’t do the holidays/days out your ex partner can do, their house is more comfortable, they can afford to fix the boiler etc- don’t sell yourself too short either. Think long term for both of you.