Help, how can I speed up divorce with ex?

[TwistMyMelons]

Will try and keep it brief!
We are living together, with small kids.
I am desperately unhappy with this situation, he knows this. We have been ‘separated’ nearly a year now, we thought we’d try living together whilst the kids were young but I am finding it untenable.
He is in complete denial about the situation, I think he thinks if he drags his feet I may change my mind. I have made several suggestions of how we can move on, I have offered to find a mediator, everything is met with a stony face and a brush-off.
What are my options here? I decided I would just leave the house, find somewhere alone and then we could come up with a Co-parenting arrangement, but my friend said that he could spin this to look like I’ve abandoned the children which I cannot risk, it’s not my aim in the slightest, I want as much time with them as possible.
What do I do?

File for divorce, show him you mean it.

Who owns the house? Is it joint owned? What do you want to happen to it?

@DustyLee123
This is a stupid question but…how? Is it the £600 thing you pay for on the internet?

@Ikeawarrior
Owned jointly, I don’t mind what happens to it, he can live here if he wants, as long as we can come up with a proper childcare arrangement.

Yes, it's the 600 thing online, it's now called no fault divorce.
You can do it jointly or just in your name. I'd do the latter, gives you more control.

I'd try and stay in the house if you can.

Do you need to sell it to both move on? Or can one of you buy out the other?

Will you split everything 50/50? One of you may be entitled to more depending on income/pensions/savings and who has the kids the most.

My friend left her marital home- her ex is still in it and refuses to leave/put it up for sale/engage with her. She's taking him to court. Her name is on mortgage so she has to pay for that, plus her own rent!

You can see a couple of solicitors and get a free 30 mins with each.

If you have a recommendation use that as many of them are dire.

@Morewineplease10
Thank you for this, I did visit a solicitor at great expense a few months ago. It might be 50:50 but I am truly not bothered about the money, only the kids. I can move out without getting divorced, but I am afraid he will be vindictive and we will end up in court as you’ve described.

I will file for divorce - do you know if there’s a set time to complete it by?

How old are the kids?

@LetsTryToHelp
they are 3, 6 and 8

Hi there,
I am in the same situation and I filed for divorce in November. It has certainly made my husband realise I truly want to divorce, but he continues to bury his head in the sand.

We met for mediation, agreed no solicitors and he is now seeing a solicitor which is dragging things out even more!

We both live in the same house. My solicitor (initial free 30 min discussion) advised not to leave family home if you want to be main carer for the children, regardless of whether you are selling.

We are now living at the house a week at a time and the other moves out. Its hard, I move in with parents/friends every other week, but the atmosphere at home is so much better.

I would suggest making the divorce application ASAP, so still have around 26 weeks before this can be finalised from date of application! Its a long and frustrating process.

@anewstart1978
Thank you very much for this - very helpful!

i did make the application for divorce on Sunday night, and I’m so glad someone has verified that I should not leave the house. Otherwise goodness knows what would have happened.

can I force him to have conversations about childcare etc? I just don’t know how to make him help me make a decision.

You can ask him to discuss things. You cannot force anyone to talk to you.

if that doesn’t work then you should ask him to partake in mediation to agree things like interim arrangements, child arrangements and financial settlement. If he refuses then it will mean you can proceed to court. Where things will be settled for you both at a costs.

@LemonTT this is the problem, I do ask him to discuss things. But it’s as if he’s pretending I’ve not said anything. I’m getting desperate as I feel as though I’m being held hostage in the marriage.

definitely don’t want to go to court

However much you want to be away from him asap, PP is right that any divorce lawyer will tell you not to leave the family home (both from a getting an equal share of it and also a childcare perspective).

I think seeing divorce papers is the only thing that gets the message through. Certainly was for my ExH.

But perhaps before serving him, you need to have your ducks in a row and a plan from a legal perspective. You do need to speak to a good divorce lawyer asap.

(Speaking to a lawyer doesn’t mean you necessarily want to go to court- most lawyers will look to agree a consent order on the financials and childcare- but you need to know your rights and what to do/what not to do to protect your position.)

Leaving the house would mean he had grounds for claiming to be the primary carer for the children (unless you took the children with you). Obviously something to avoid since it could lead to you getting only EOW contact with them.

I agree you need to speak to a solicitor. You don’t have to go to court unless he refuses to cooperate but it will lay out the legal side of things.

Also, not a lawyer but I’ve seen enough threads where the finances have gone horribly wrong - do not divorce without a financial order in place. Otherwise you are financially vulnerable to him even post-divorce.

https://www.jmw.co.uk/services-for-you/family-law/financial-settlements/financial-consent-orders

If you're worried the costs are going to get too much, definitely try using the solicitors' free hours at the beginning with a list of premade questions so you can get some answers on how to move forward with this. If you can't then afford to get a solicitor to help with your divorce, there's still options for you. There are free resources online now which can help you get through your divorce if you cant get a solicitor. This is the one I used - https://iamlip.com/
Starting the process would be a good decision. Don't think twice about it as this doesn't seem like a heathy situation for you to stay in. You shouldn't stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy x