Pity Party

[howtocope]

Separated a year, just starting the divorce process. I've been happy, excited even, about the prospect of my independence but have suddenly crashed. Had the first proper meeting with my solicitor this morning and cried through it. I'm terrified about the financial aspects of my future, but I think I can deal with the practical stuff. The hardest part is dealing with my feelings.

The sense of rejection has just swallowed me today. To compound it, I'm feeling rejected by the kids too. DS21 has seen his dad a couple of time inthe last week and they're planning a trip to Italy together. Meanwhile, I can't get DS to respond to my texts, much less see me. DD18 who lives with me doesn't want to spend any time with me. I'm currently in my office because she wants to watch TV but not with me in the room. To be fair, DD has always been like this. It's just hurting at the moment.

For Christmas, DS bought H a vintage footballl programme that he searched for especially. He bought me some soaps, which his girlfriend had obviously bought a few days before hand. DD spent ages woodburning the symbol of H's football club into a plaque for him for Christmas, and did nothing for me.

It's the usual thing. I've always done the parenting. H would even call me the 'real parent'. He's the Disney dad, always a good time, always ready to spend. Even now, DD lives with me so I'm getting all the flak and very little positive, but I'm still doing all the caring. Having one of those days where I feel like I might as well drop dead. It would inconvenience them but H would just pay someone to do the things I do and they could all just carry on.

I know I'm being dramatic and silly and I will put my big girl knickers on, but I'm suffering right now. How did others get through this shit?

Hey @howtocope I would perhaps suggest posting on relationships page...only because this divorce page doesn't get that much traffic and seems to be focused on the more practical side of a divorce...advice on custody or finances....just you might find more people with similar situations if you posted on relationships

Having said that boring bit....I just wanted to message to say how utterly shit that sounds and I can imagine feels really hurtful. When you say you're still doing all the caring....does DD still rely on you emotionally? I guess as they get older they will understand even more the huge role you have taken and they will increasingly see H for what he is. I'm at the opposite end in the sense my 2 DC are pre schoolars and they are exhausting and often have meltdowns with me...I'm always told kids are worst to the mum/the person they can rely on the most....the safest person. Doesn't make it much easier when they're not giving you Xmas presents or showing appreciation but know it is there. They love you. And it runs far deeper than trips to Italy.

But also, they are adults now. And you've done the brave and brilliant thing of freeing yourself from a shitty relationship so also soak up some of that freedom....away from being a mum or ex wife or colleague....go travel yourself if you can, hobbies, dates, reading in bed all day...whatever floats your boat.

Your kids love you. No doubt you've spent the last 20 years caring for them and putting up with H, so give yourself a break and do something for you

Good luck with it

It’s tough but unfortunately this is what happens with kids. They grow up and don’t need you anymore really. Your son may gravitate towards his dad because they have more in common or he may be cut from the same cloth genetically.

How did your marriage end? Were there any issues for the children to get worked up about?

it’s your time now after many years of being the carer and you just have to mentally allow yourself to detach from that role and find some happiness in your life (I don’t mean with another man either unless that’s what you want)

I'm in the early stages, but I know this is going to be similar for us. Another Disney Dad here, who has just texted me that he wants to take the kids out for dinner. I can't think of a single occasion when he has done that pre-separation. He will be there for the fun and I will be there for the dentist and parents evenings. I just hope my kids will be smart enough to see if for what it really is, even if they need to be older for that to happen.
You're not being either dramatic or silly. If it's getting you down, reach out to your GP. I have been referred for Talking Therapy but they did say you can self-refer as well.

Thanks for your replies. I'm feeling a bit better.

@MoaningMartyr that thing of acting up with the parent they feel safest with doesn't seem to change. Even though they're older, DS and DD express their anger and frustration to me, but never to STBXH. I get the double whammy, and I do my best to take it. I'm glad they're letting their feelings out somewhere, but it does get me down sometimes.

@Furrt STBXH was pretty awful towards me and the kids over the last 5 years or so. I think we're all still traumatised by his behaviour in lockdown. DD definitely is. He was very angry and reactive, never violent, but mean. He first told me he didn't have feelings for me anymore during lockdown. I thought things would improve when life went back to normal but it didn't. STBXH continued to be an ass, but refused to move out. He finally agreed to sell the family home (after the stamp duty holiday ended ) and that's when we separated.

I'm just waiting for him to start seeing someone else. He might be already, for all I know. He takes no responsibility for his behaviour. He's rewritten the last few years as us growing apart. Told me he hopes we can stay friends because he 'really likes me'. I wanted to punch him in the face for that. Such nonsense. He hasn't been a friend to me for years.