Should I be intervening with STBXs lack of interest with teenage DS?

[Flobbyblob]

Me and STBX are separated 5 months. He has moved out. DS 15 sees him twice per week for football. If football is not on, then STBX does not see DS. No alternative plans or communication, just does his own thing.

My DM says I should be giving STBX a kick up the arse to remind him he is more than just a football coach to DS. He’s not doing any fathering at all, just sees him for training. I have tried to have words before but dealing with my STBX is tricky, I suspect he is neurodiverse as has always lacked emotional intelligence. He will comply, but there is usually a bit of passive aggression and more than likely he’ll do the minimum and go back to doing his own thing.

My DS hasn’t said anything and doesn’t seem upset by STBXs lack of involvement but he’s got his own interests and he’s quite busy and we have both been happy on our own in the family house since he left.

I just worry that this could get worse and that STBX will totally drift away from the kids, to all of their detriments (DD at uni). He only lives a mile away and it’s a bit of a wonder why he’s not being more proactive.

im not sure I should be making a big deal of things though and if under the circumstances I should be intervening and having another conversation with him. But is my DS a little too young to take responsibility of his relationship with his dad, or shall I just keep out of it?

am not sure what’s right.

It's probably not worth it.

Your h will see it as nagging

Probably neither of them actually enjoy spending time with the other - your H is making quite clear how much he prioritises his son and I'm sure his son is well aware of it,

You are not his mother. The benefit of separation is that you get to just let go of what he does or doesn’t do to pull his own weight.

Personally I would be having a word yes
id tell him that’s he’s crap, that it’s disappointing that he’s literally left his ds and should be doing more /seeing him more/actually being a father

but then I’d leave him to it.

and simply tell you ds to contact his dad to arrange visits etc himself which at 15 he’s perfectly capable of doing / telling his dad what he thinks

I'd have a quiet word and say that ds misses him more than he's letting on when he doesn't see him, could he take him out sometimes other than football.

When I was in a fairly similar situation my then h was similar, would do a specific thing but didn't just arrange to see them otherwise, one of my DD's was more proactive and would call him and arrange to walk the dog with him, the other only saw him if I invited him to dinner, which isn't exactly a normal situation! But I did have him over once a week on dog changeover day (shared custody ) purely so she saw him for an hour.

It got better, she does occasionally see him now without my prompting but they are as bad as each other to be honest