DS(10) refusing to see his DF

[phoenixrisingup]

My XH and I split in May 1 week into him being away with work for 6 months. We have 2 DS 10 and 7 and they have been staying with their DF one night midweek and EOW since the start of December. We had a stressful time on Christmas eve whereby my XH threatened to drive my DS's hours away to his gf's because I had plans and stuck to my boundary to change the pr-arranged childcare agreement to an earlier time at a few hours notice. My 10 year old has been refusing to go to his DF's ever since and is due to be collected from school tomorrow and I don't know what to do. There a lot more to it but my DH is emotionally abusive and this has continued post separation so I'm constantly second guessing myself. Every time my DS(10) goes to his DF's he is messaging me asking me if I can go and pick him up which is a total 360 because he idolised him. He point blank refused to go on his last weekend so I kept him home with me and DS(7) went on his own. When DB DS(7) returned the first thing he said is that his DF bought him a gift and that his DF only shouts when DS(10) is there. His DF then sent a load of pics of him and DS(7) to him to prove what a good time they had. My Ds(10) now thinks that he is the cause of his DF's moods. This wasn't helped when his DF told him in front of me that he is shouty because DS(10) doesn't do what he is told or pick up after himself. He also told him that he didn't get to pick and choose when he saw him and when he doesn't and walked out slamming the door. He went to his DF's last week because it was a choice between afterschool care which they hate and his DF's. Both DS's said that their DF said that DS(10) wasn't to go back at the weekend and that the Xbox that he bought them both for Christmas now belonged to DS(7). I know my XH will make out I'm poisoning his DS's against him but I can hand on heart say that this isn't the case and I would never say anything that would mix up my DS's even more than they are already. I belief in keeping my side of the street clean in the hope that my DS's will be able to make up their own minds in the future. There will be comeback, but does anyone know if he can force him to go? We don't have a court order. Thanks in advance

I'd say go ahead take me to court, he can't force him without a court order, but it sounds like your ex is making ds10 miserable, so I would not force him to go if he doesn't want to

I know I’m responding to this belatedly but didn’t see it at the time. I wondered where you’re at with contact now?

My ex was also emotionally abusive and a covert narcissist who lied constantly and destroyed my self esteem. Like you, I convinced myself that he could still be a good dad and encouraged my 3 DS to maintain a good relationship. To cut a long story short, they gradually became resistant to seeing him and this escalated once he had a much younger partner. Still I tried to keep contact going despite seeing behavioural changes in all of them. It wasn’t until my eldest developed MH issues and started drip feeding me details on what had been playing out at their dad’s house that the pieces fell into place. He had begun the same process of devaluing and emotional abuse that had been effective with me. Some of what you write suggests to me that your boys have to compete to be favourite and their role is to support and validate him.

i now understand from my eldest’s issues the impact this has had and I guess what I’m saying, contrary to popular opinion, is that sometimes non contact can be better than allowing an emotionally stunted adult to hurt and manipulate a child.

Good luck with making any decisions around contact as this isn’t a win win thing and any choice comes with fallout 💐