Mediation - Childcare and getting it sorted.

[FootballNut]

Could do with some advice to see whether one or both of us are being dicks!!

Been split for a year and in separate houses for 9 months. Since July we have had a rota for 50/50 childcare, something like a 3,3,2,2, format so it gives regular contact with kids - 13 & 15. We live a mile from each other so kids just come back and forth. Rota has worked pretty well overall, as good as they can I suppose. Kids being kids often leave stuff at wrong house but not too much of an issue.

I really like the fact weekends are mixed, so weekends off, weekend on then a Sat and then a Sun in typical 4 week window. Relationship with ex is not great, she feels resentment about the financial settlement (even though her solicitor thought it was fine) and our relationship. I resent the fact she has messed up a few mutual friendships and is pretty nasty in multiple messages. But for the kids we are ok, and have swapped various days with each other.

I have made the rota work for me, my GF has a totally separate rota for hers, and have adjusted the days I work further from home to tie in with when I dont have the kids. When I do have the kids my GF may come round, I may go out or I spend time at home with them (typically they ignore me and go out with friends and play xbox)! They are old enough to be home if I do want to go out so I just do what I need to.

Ex is moaning as it doesn't work for weekends for her new relationship and wants to change the rota. Which will simply cause me more hassle for no benefit. She is making me do mediation which I think is a waste of time and money. I thought this was all about people that couldn't agree major stuff not trivial things.

As I see it, if we change to her idea, she gets better sync with her bloke. I end up working further away for a number of the days I have kids. My GF has also tried to make her plan fit what we already had, so this will have a small impact too.

Surely if she wants time with him she can go out and leave them at home in the same way I do, or he goes round. He only lives literally round the corner from her.

If they were 7 & 10 I get that they need more looking after but they are both very independent (and soon to be 16/14) teenagers. I have said that I am happy to manually swap various weekends to help fit in but she is insisting in mediation. I dont really see any middle ground so dont think it would work and would it really go to court - there is no dispute in the contact or the way it works, just the days it falls on dont suit her.

If I refuse to do mediation what could she do, could it go to court?

Your girlfriend and her boyfriends schedules have nothing to do with it. Do you think a one week on one week off arrangement would suit the kids better now they are older? So they can plan their own social lives more easily?

Court ordered child contact stops at 16 - so it definitely wouldn’t be ordered for the older child and it would be a complete waste of time trying to get it for a 15 YO. A 15 YO can decide for themselves what they want.

At 13 - the child would be asked what they wanted to do.

IMO - court would be a complete waste of time.

She can’t ‘make’ you attend mediation. If you don’t want to attend, you don’t have to, but you do need to find a solution between you. She wants to change / you want it to remain there he sane. Is there a compromise?

The EW says contact doesn’t work for her new relationship. This is inconsequential. Contact is for the benefits of the children. What do the kids want?

Thanks, that was my feeling too. What goes on in either of our private lives is irrelevant. The 50/50 split or even the basic principles of the rota are not being questioned, just the fact there is not a sync for her and him, which is not my problem.

The thing is I am not sure what the solution is. I have offered to move some weekends to fit in with her as it will probably fit in with me sometimes too but she wants it totally changed.

Am going to think but will probably decline the mediation as I can't really see a middle ground.

I dont think so - in typical teenager style they never listen and as we are 1m away then it doesn't really matter as its not like they miss out or can't do stuff as at wrong house.

Have you asked what your children want
tbh im surprised they want any schedule at those ages esp all the to ing and fro ing

they can certainly be left home alone if she wants to go out ( not overnight but for an evening)

no court will put in place strict contact schedule at those ages esp ones that the children don’t want

To be fair it's quite fluid as there are certain activities either parent is responsible for or does with kids so often end up with one of us when they 'shouldn't be'.

They are happy to spend half the time at each but in typical teenage style, not much of a constructive opinion!

You keep saying how they are ‘typical teenagers’ and it feels a bit like all the adults are quite blasé about them. Honestly although they may be tall and gruff and shaving and roll their eyes… they are still kids and this is the last part of their childhood. Don’t fuck it up bickering about when you and your ex get to see your new girlfriend and boyfriend.

You haven’t said what she wants to change it to?