Do you resent your separated parents?

[fieldofds]

I’m looking to hear from people whose parents divorced/separated when they were young (under 10). Do you resent them for their decision? How did it affect you growing up? Do you wish they had stayed together?

Reason for my question: I am desperately unhappy in my marriage. My husband makes me miserable, I dread spending time with him and he speaks down to me all the time. But we have two young children and I can’t help but feel incredibly selfish for even considering divorce and ruining the seemingly happy family setup we currently have.

I wasn't a child when my parents divorced, I was 29. Honestly looking back my DBs and I feel more resentful that they didn't split when we were little and instead raised us in an unhappy, toxic household. Fwiw we have far better relationships with them both now as they're both so much happier.

I was about 6 when mine divorced, to be honest I can hardly remember my dad living with us.
The only problem for me is that we had no heating, mum could not afford to heat the house, yet his new family had central heating.
Do I wish they’d stayed together ? I don’t know what that would have been like, as I didn’t experience it, so it makes no odds to me.

I didn't resent my (late) parents at all. I think the key to it was they behaved very amicably in front of us and worked together as a team. And our access arrangements were very consistent. I always knew exactly when I would see my Dad and in 10 years he only let me down once (when he had flu). Kids need love, consistency, clear boundaries and a calm environment. My parents worked hard to ensure we had that after the divorce and, consequently, the pain of their separation was fairly short-lived.

From my own experience and those of friends I think it’s best to do it when the DC are younger. They adapt so much more quickly.

My own parents split when I was about 7, I don’t have many memories of them together but the ones I have are not happy- dad shouting, mum crying. It would have been awful growing up in a house like that.

I got divorced when my DC were 6 and 4. Again, they don’t really remember me and ex being together. I am very happily remarried now, DC have a great relationship with their step dad and with their dad.

The only friends I have whose DC struggled with the break up are those with teens- they can end up blaming one of the parents, resenting parents’ new relationships etc. Not that that’s a reason not to do it, but I think it’s harder for teens to have their life uprooted- younger kids are more adaptable.

I was about 14 when my parents stopped being "in a relationship". Separate bedrooms, no affection, and a lot of drama at the time although after that they were basically just housemates who coexisted. They didn't move into separate houses until I was 21. I wish they'd just separated/divorced properly rather than this weird limbo we all lived in where they clearly didn't have a romantic relationship but they didn't (often) argue. It was a very odd relationship to model to your impressionable teens. And it always felt like at any moment the rug could be pulled out and they would suddenly divorce, sell the house etc.

Like @ANiceBigCupOfTea I resent mine for not separating earlier. They dragged it out until we were teens but everyone lost out as it was not a nice environment to be in.