What’s best for teenager versus what’s best for me

[TemporaryNameForDivorce]

Wondering if anyone can help. My marriage is over. I was hoping to delay getting divorced until my teen has gone to university (currently in GCSE year) but I’m really struggling to carry on. Yesterday my husband opened all my bank statements without permission in order to establish something he insisted I’d been lying to him about. (I wasn’t lying to him at all.) Who am I kidding that I can delay this? He was ranting and raving like a mad man. It isn’t the first instance of him losing it.

Please can someone tell me it’s right to proceed without delay.

Don't delay.

If a child ever finds out their mother stayed in an abusive relationship because of them the guilt from it can affect their mh quite badly.

You better get out sooner rather than later. Is your son doing GCSEs this spring? If so I would use this time to prepare. Take copies of all relevant documents and keep them locked away at work or at a trusted friends house. Note down all his accounts, pensions, assets, anything you know about. Take information to a solicitor and find out what your best options are.

You may want to wait and not tell him/your son until after the exams.

My husband moaned how quickly I was going but I couldn't wait any longer. You have to do what's right for you and your child. Your child will respect you in the long run.

I'm not surprised that you have had enough and want out now, that behaviour is appalling. I wouldn't wait to leave until university, but if possible I would wait until after their GCSE's if they are in year 11, as the disruption could be really not great for their exams, if you believe you can last until then. However, if it is unmanageable to stay until then or you are in any physical risk at all you shouldn't delay.

I separated from my kids father when they were 11 and 9 and they took several months to settle down and feel ok with it all, and there was a lot of forgotten books and homework while everyone got used to the new routines. And we are very amicable. If he's likely to be an arse about it too then I would definitely wait if I could until June, as the stress for everyone will be bad enough with exam stress and revision without adding a separation in the mix too.

It depends on your child, but kids can usually cope with the disruption. It's not ideal but life doesn't fall neatly into pre and post exams. My DS had a huge about to cope with as well as our divorce in his GSCE year. He passed them all, he didn't quite achieve what he was capable of in his weakest subject, but enough to go on to do A levels at his highly competitive school. He is with me 100%, though, which helps with him feeling settled.

I’d sort out who is going to live where, and tell the teen ASAP, to reduce anxiety during exams.

Might be best for teen to be out of this ASAP ... this could be having a deleterious effect on them as it stands. A separation could be a relief all round. Your husband sounds unhinged. Good luck, I did this in a similar situation and was definitely better for both of us.

Stop all paper bank statements being sent out. You can choose digital only. It’s quite well established that separation affects school
grades in the short term. GCSE is stressful enough without your world falling apart. Bids your time and get your ducks in a row would be my advice.

@TemporaryNameForDivorce
@Mumof3confused

Stop all paper bank statements being sent out. You can choose digital only.

I came on just to say this. Also contact any companies you have investments with or go online - (eg: stocks & shares, pension statements) plus anything else important (eg NHS hospital appointments) and ensure they send them digitally to you instead. Do make sure your devices are not synched this and that your login, coincides and passwords are changed to ones he won't know. 🌹

I agree, wait until GCSEs are done but maybe have a backup plan for if the ranting and rave incidents escalate. Your DC may find the transition to uni pretty stressful with an enormous amount of change, away from their support group. Having their home life upheaved at the same time is definitely not a kindness. I'd want to establish their new home situation before that so that if uni is a difficult time they have a safe place to return to.

On the other hand, if the ranting events start to happen more frequently it's going to affect their GCSEs, so I would be ready to go if it comes to it. Relevant documents like passports stored securely off site, money set aside for a deposit on a flat if possible, plan for what you would want to take if you needed to leave quickly.

Certainly ensure that you have strong and unique passwords for everything, minimise paper, ensure that none of your devices sync with each other as @Newestname002 says, and disable any location sharing as well.

Don’t assume that the status quo is what is best for your teenager. It sounds like a tense and stressful home environment.

You may find that the ‘upheaval’ is an improvement and something your son actually welcomes.

The ideal is to do it ASAP but this depends on your situation. My friend separated and her kids were so affected and blamed on her about the separation. The eldest did really bad on his GCSE the following year and started smoking weed. I do not think she knows that bit about the weed but he told my DS. She also faced financial hardship and insecurity so she has not been able to feel safe after her separation. May be waiting longer in her case would have been better for the kids and herself. By contrast another friend was told by her own DD to leave her dad as he was making their life miserable and she hated him for it. She still waited as she needed a financial plan and how to deal with the asshole as she knew he was going to make her life hell. Divorcing when the kids were going to university was much better but she grew thick skin to deal with the fact her husband made her walk on eggshells. Some people have a lot of support from family so that can make it easy for some. If there is abuse is never ok to wait or stay longer.

Crack on. Separation and divorce can really drag on. It takes 20 weeks after you first apply to divorce before the process really starts. Don't delay.
Your teen will get to stay in their house in all but a few cases so they won't move. The law backs primary carer's need to stay with them.
You can minimise disruption by not engaging in high drama situations with your husband. If he behaves badly, walk away. Crack on, kids never benefit from parents 'staying together' for them. It just makes everyone miserable in the end.

I'm in a less complex situation and my husband is not abusive but I stayed in an unhappy marriage thinking it was best for the children for a long time. We then ended up separating during GCSE year for my eldest. What I realised was that the unhappy home was a very stressful place. Try to think longer term than what your children are having to cope with this week/month/year because there will always be something. Just focus on what you need, recognising that your children need you functioning properly. And good luck.

I'm in exactly the same situation. However, my husband has been horrible for a long time. I almost divorced him 2 years ago, he made a small effort to improve his behaviour. In January I have made the decision as the behaviour is destroying me and my sons. My son is doing GCSEs this year and the youngest the following year. They are actually looking forward to a quiet stress free home. There will never be a right time, I'm being brave and strong for myself and children. You've got this ❤️

If you can and your DC is doing GCSEs this year, I would wait until the exams are done. It’s not very long now and you can use this time to prepare your finances etc. definitely get all your financial information sent to you by email, so you’re not getting anything in the post.

this. Your kid has got enough to deal with, with exams. Wait until after the exams have been done and then think about leaving.

Much as I hate the phrase, get your ducks in a row in the next few months and be ready to leave after gcse's. Its not long in the scheme of things.
When I got divorced my dd said she was relieved, because the home was unhappy. Maintaining the status quo isn't always best for the kids. I would get gcse's out of the way first though.