Daughter emotional at transitions

[Cluelessat33]

My ex and I separated nearly 4 years ago when my daughter was 2. I have no doubt it was the right choice. The breakdown of the marriage was messy and painful.

HOWEVER. we've both worked very hard in the intervening years to build as positive situation for her as possible. We share care 4 to 3 nights, and now are able to spend time altogether for her birthday etc.

Recently however she's really started to struggle with the transitions. She's obviously sad about leaving one parent and conflicted about being pleased to see the other. I don't believe she can remember a time we were together (thank god!). How can I make these transitions easier for her. We do cuddles, I'm encouraging her to talk to me about her feelings. And at what point should I be concerned about this?

Any experiences or thoughts would be really appreciated.

She's at that age when everything is confusing and they want to be in the place where their main comforts are. Does she take clothes, toys back and forth or not? Could get her her own travel bag with unicorns or whatever she likes on it and ask her what she would like to take?

Is there a way that you both aren't there for drop off? For instance when it's the other parents evening can they pick up from nursery/school on their own so she only sees one parent?

When drop off or pick ups are happening can you spend a few minutes before saying things like 'daddy has just text he's on his way, looks like your having pizza for tea tonight. That is so lucky' and visa versa?

Is there an activity that she could join and both you and your ex go and watch together once a week?

As pp said, handover at nursery/school is popular as it means not having to leave a parent.

@loadedchips she has stuff at both homes, but will bring special bit back and forth. I do all the morning school drop offs as he is a teacher so starts earlier than she does. So he drops to mine.

We are just about to start Beavers this week where we have both asked to be volunteers. So we will both be there when she is.

A lot of this has been in place for a long time, but I suppose I became aware this Christmas that she perhaps felt that she didn't have any input into what was going on and I felt horrible guilty. I suppose I forget how quickly she's growing up and didn't involve her in the discussions as much as perhaps we should. We have an established routine, but over holidays and Christmas etc, it goes to pot a bit. This Christmas seems to have unsettled her.

Is there a physical calendar in each home so she can see when she's going where?

@Whataretheodds no. At I say we have quite a set established routine so ive not really thought about it before. But it can vary over holidays etc. Perhaps coloring in a calendar so she can see what days are Mummy's and what are Daddy's may help. Thank you.

Over time what may help (echoing some other comments):

• longer spells at each parent as child gets older
• transitions being via school or other places/people, and not parent-to-parent
• clear calendar for locations
• don't assume that the child wants to be involved in this kind of decision, better left to parents

What may throw spanners into the works -- new partners, new siblings, parent wanting to move.