Leaving husband guilt over children

[tiredvtired]

Hiya
My marriage has broken down. We have two young children. We are still amicably living together as we figure things out. Separating completely should be fairly smooth as we are both reasonable and absolutely devoted to our children. Obviously moving forwards there will be a time when we have to share the children. This will likely be 50/50 which is ok as my ex is a brilliant dad and it’s only fair. I will be in a position to be able to get my own little place and I am seeing someone and would love to spend more time with them, but of course the pay off for this freedom and ‘happiness’ will be missing my children unbearably and not being present in their lives for half of their entire childhoods. The thought makes me feel sick. It’s not out of the question that my ex and I stay cohabitating. It’s not awful. It’s frustrating at times as I don’t feel like I have my own space/home, but the upshot is I’m a fully present mum. I feel like by choosing my own happiness, I lose my children. I can’t see how I will ever be happy again. Has anyone been in this dilemma? If my ex was awful it would be easy as I’d have no choice but to go. But I feel like I am choosing my happiness over my children’s and the guilt is awful

Why has your marriage broken down?

The younger your kids are when you split, the less they will remember. And your kids want happy parents, so go for it.

How old are your children?

How old are your kids?

I don't really feel any of thr guilt you describe TBH. But then I am also not one of those people who got upset when their kids started school etc.

My living situation with ex was also not terrible. But I am still miles happier now living alone - I didn't know how bad it was until after he left.

How much actual time would you be missing out on with your kids? My kids are pre teen and at an age now where they are becoming that bit more independent. They go to school and play with their friends for a few hours after school, so realistically I'm only missing a few hours in the evening.

Ex and I also always had independent lives outside of having the kids. I've always worked and been full time since the kids were in school. I've always had hobbies and went out a couple of evenings a week so wouldn't see the kids much a couple of days a week when I did those hobbies. I don't think a lot has changed in terms of how much I see them to be honest.

But I still love them and still miss them. I am very much present for them they days that they are with me and I now do my hobbies etc on the days they are with ex. I make sure we spend quality time together on our days together. Ex and I are also very flexible with each other over changes etc. So while we have a 60/40 split (in my favour), some times they're with me more and vice versa. We're always happy for each other to ring/text the kids when we're not with them.

I can imagine it would be harder if your kids are younger and you've been a SAHM etc. But for me the reality hasn't been a huge change. Plus having that time to focus on myself means that when I have my kids, I can give them all of my energy.

Fizzled out over the years basically. We’re not a great match really. But very respectful of each other

5 and 7

Does your stbxh and dc know about your new partner? Would you both be happy with new partners staying in the family home?

Thank you so much. I’ve not really thought about it like that. I work part time but my job is all consuming on those days so actually I barely see them. We already alternate our weekends so that one of us is on kid duty and the other would schedule any social plans on their free weekend. We’re both still sort of around though. I suppose it’s the thought of bedtimes and mornings that really cut me, as they’re still little. But like you say, they grow so quickly and I guess their needs will change

Could you stay in the matrimonial home and your ex moves out?

No, but I think he’s guessed. Neither of us asks where the other one goes anymore. Our house would definitely stay very much the family home. We’d be respectful about that, but it doesn’t seem sustainable in the long run

In theory yes, but I feel like I’d prefer a fresh start. The thought of both staying or going makes me sad obviously. But this is a home we created together and I’m not sure I’d want to stay in it especially if I end up long term with a new partner. If that makes sense

Leaving because you have met someone else is very different to leaving because you've grown apart. I wonder if your guilt is because you recognise you are having an affair?

Yes I do feel guilty about seeing someone else. But this has been since we’ve split. Family and friends and children know. Rings are off. He might be seeing someone else for all I know. But yes we’re still married. It’s not a secret really, some of my friend know. I just haven’t told my ex as I don’t think it’s relevant until it involves the children

If the children no then it already affects them. Seeing someone else when you’ve not let your children process your break up isn’t right OP. You’re already thinking about how you can spend more time with him and you’ve not even moved out yet, the priority should be your children through this process. And not telling your husband isn’t how you keep things amicable. 4 and 7 isn’t that young, they’ll be confused and need you both to be clear with them about what’s going on so they aren’t worrying about what will happen to them.

50/50 doesn’t mean you will be absent for half their lives though, it will become normal for them. You wouldn’t consider yourself absent for 50% of their lives for working full time. You can still be available on the phone and ask them about their lives and they can still he totally happy well rounded people. Just be careful on this path of seeing someone else before you’ve even properly broken up with your husband.

Thanks. Sorry, I meant that everyone (including children) know that we are separated. Children don’t know I’m seeing anyone as it’s not appropriate yet and still casual. I don’t want to rush into anything or commit to anything whilst still a bit entangled

Who ended the relationship? Sounds very much to me that you met someone else and ended it under the pretence of the marriage being dead.
did you try to fix the marriage at all? Marriages hav ups and downs, and the key to a successful marriage is that you have to work on it, not just up and leave when you get bored or disilusioned.

either way anyone posting that they were seeing someone who was still living in the family home would be told to run a mile. It’s not ok to be seeing someone else while your children still see you as a family. It doesn’t matter that you’ve told them that you’ve split, they won’t truly process that until you move into separate houses.

Have to agree with @MayThe4th

I can't help but feel this is really wrong. Playing happy families with your kids and then you've got a secret partner on the side. When I divorced my 7 year old picked up on a lot and was very sensitive if she thought she was being lied to - even if it was a "good" lie said to protect her - and I certainly wasn't lying about what you are! My 7 year old wouldn't ever forgive me.

If you are with someone else then you should be telling the kids and splitting the home/assets/children etc. to me it sounds like you are very much having your cake and eating it

I would have fought tooth and nail for my marriage as I just think it's what you sign up for in a marriage when you decide to bring children into it and there is no abuse factors involved

Will you be able to afford to continue to only work part time?

there are many things in this situation which are not appropriate !!
particularly your cavalier attitude to your/marriage, children’s welfare
or your illusion that any man you are in a casual relationship with, whilst
knowing that you are married with children, is one worth changing
horses for
btw remember the saying, you can’t ride two horses with one rse
as playing one off against the other often means forfeiting both
Where is your good sense? where is your morality? what happened
to self denial?

You are so matter-of-fact over this situation and your children’s likely
responses to your deceit that Im womdering if this is merely a fantasy

I feel a bit sorry for your kids OP 😔

Going through same thing

You'll probably find you're a better mum doing 50/50 because you get a proper break from parenting and will make the most of the time you do have with them.

Hold your horses folks. OP says the new person came after the split. No suggestion of an affair. Not all divorces are whizz bang cataclysmic overnight changes, many people take years to physically separate especially given the cost of living pressures now, and it’s normal to feel a heady rush of freedom if you’ve got out of something that’s been crushing you for years. Personally, I don’t find many of these ‘out of the embers’ new relationships last so OP I think you need to make plans for your life as a single person. Don’t think how things are going to work with a new partner and the family home and kids. Sort out the family home and kids first and then worry about the new partner later, if they’re any good they’ll stick around and wait.

Staying in an inadequate relationship for the kids is a terrible idea. It models to them that their happiness is not important and that being with anyone is better than being independent. That’s a particularly damaging message for young girls but also boys.

Don't think your situation is sustainable. As your kids get older they will realise what's going on. Make a clean break for everyone's sake.

Such good advice @NoisyDachshunddd