Divorcing H says single but had a vasectomy since split

[Bellsels]

My STBEXH refuses to leave house, is lying about money & bonus on forms. He got his boss to defer bonus saying not busy but I know that’s not true. He says he’s single but I found out he had a vasectomy last month six months after he said wanted a divorce. Who does that if they’re not in a long term relationship just biding his time? How can I get what’s fair when he’s a lying sh*t and is using his nasty lawyer to walk all over me. My lawyer says behaviour is irrelevant but his lies are relevant to needs and money so what can I do? The system is meant to be fairer than fault based divorce was but it seems to me that it’s even worse because there’s no way to challenge his lies or put his crap offer in context of his lies and scheming. He just lies more and gets his lawyer to bully me. I’m in huge debt because of legal fees and I want out but I know he’s screwing me over and that I’ll end up struggling unless I get a fairer settlement. He is wasting tens of thousands on legal fees in order to bully me to accept as little as possible and he’s doing that out of spite!

I got sterilised 6 months after splitting up with my ex husband. I knew I did not want more children and wanted to be clear in any further relationships it was not an option. So everyone on the same page from the start.
I never discussed it with my ex as my fertility is none of his business.

Maybe be just doesn’t want more children?
nothing to do with you
doesnt mean he’s in a long term relationship
nor does it make a difference to any settlement

If you actually want financial and divorce advice I’d delete this thread and start another without the vasectomy info as the two are totally separate.

Is the vasectomy not good news for whatever children you have?

If you have a lawyer his should not be contacting you but them.

If his lawyer is inappropriate (bullying) then your own lawyers would be reporting him. Of his lawyers are merely protecting his interests within a financial arrangement that is not bullying not inappropriate.

If you think he is lying about finances then you should seek evidence of this being the case, refuse to settle if you aren't happy and decide the matter in court.

Thank you. That’s interesting and I can understand that as a choice. It’s just so hard not to think there’s more to it than that. It’s hard to explain the level of controlling behaviour (not violence but cold deliberate bullying) and why I’m so paranoid. I don’t care any more if he’s with someone else. Maybe it is my paranoia but I think he will do anything to beat me down and make me settle for less than is fair by lying about his situation.

Thanks. Sorry if unclear. His lawyer writes to my lawyer not me but making false allegations about my behaviour, like saying I’m not managing money properly and failing to pay household bills when he has stopped putting money into the joint account for bills and has removed my name from utility accounts so I can’t do what he’s saying I should be doing. I ask for accounts and replies as evidence and as I said he got his boss to defer his bonus payment. How can I prove that? I’ve said that he always got one in the past but he got a letter saying he won’t get one this year.

You need to separate the issues.

vasectomy / new relationship, etc = ignore. Nothing to do with you. Will make no difference to divorce proceedings.

full financial disclosure = very important. Do not ignore. Get your solicitor to focus on that.

bullying / harassment = ignore if possible. Solicitor / police if not.

If he has a vasectomy then he won't have more DC then his resources should be more for your DC.

It would be even better news for our children if he stopped pleading poverty to avoid his responsibilities towards them when he can afford to look after them.
I’m sorry - you make a reasonable point that he won’t have other children to support. And I’m not wanting to control or even know about his future children or lack of them. Perhaps it’s not a sign that he’s in a long term relationship but that’s what it makes me think. It seems I’m alone thinking his behaviour is odd commenting seems to think I am being unreasonable commenting on a vasectomy in this context. I just think it’s really strange but then everything that has happened seems strange to me - starting with him accusing me of having an affair and downhill from there on.

If he is taking your name off the utilities and putting them in his own name then that is a good thing surely as it means he is taking the responsibility for them.

Have you/your solicitor done a CMS calculation as to what child maintenance you would get? Potentially him paying all the bills etc at present may be more than that so it may not be as bleak as you think. Obviously you need to get everything sorted asap so you can rehouse yourself and your children. Do speak to your solicitor and ask to press the matter on asap.

Are you able to pay bills that meet the needs of the children and keep the house in good repair, or has he prevented you from doing those things?