Ds16 wants to go no contact with dad

[Nadeliklowen]

Exh and I separated in June, domestic abuse that I'm embarrassed to say was witnessed by Ds16 on occasion. The day we left he said he never wanted to see his dad again.
I have encouraged him to stay in some contact, always with grandparents there too, as I didn't want to be accused of alienating him in the future. He's angry, justifiably so.
I have given it 6 months Incase he changed his mind but he's still adamant he wants to never see him and change his surname to my maiden name.
I'm not sure what to do, I know ex will cause me so many problems if ds tells him outright so do I let it gradually fade out? Contact is sporadic as it is with D's taking days to respond to messages etc
I have suggested he wait until a levels are done for name change to match gcse which he has agreed to but I think if ex kicks off with him he may just go ahead
Any advice welcome please

At 16 it’s completely up to him and he will have his reasons.

He's old enough to make his own decision and he has more than enough reason to despise his father. I understand not wanting to be accused of "alienation" (a bogus concept, but often used as a stick to beat mothers with) but it's much more important that you support your son in drawing and holding his own boundaries now.

Good idea to wait for name change as it can be challenging for documentation.

I think you need to support your son as the decision isn't irreversible. He could resume seeing his dad, later in life, but it will depend on his dad's reaction and ability to rebuild the relationship.

He is 16 so legally allowed to go nc, if there is any chance your ex kicks off then you support your sons decision and report his continuing abuse to the police. In what way can your ex continue to cause problems for you.

He's 16, he knows it's best for him to see his father.

Show your son that it's possible to stand up to his father.

https://www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll

He's 16 and has witnessed his father be violent to his mother. He can make his own choices.

Mine have been NC with their father for ages and they are much younger, why wouldn’t you accept that? Mine were fed up of their father arranging to come and see them and not showing up so told me they don’t want to speak to him anymore so I’ve accepted that.

I think it’s amazing that your son has decided his boundaries, he’s been expressing his wishes for 6 months, why are you hell bent on making him wait another 6 months?

You’re teaching him is that appeasing your ex is the most important thing. Stop. He’s 16, he knows his own mind.

Thank you all for making me feel worse. I encouraged it because I'm scared of reprisiles if I'm honest and I simply didn't have the mental strength after leaving to continue dealing with it. Ds understood this and agreed to have minimal contact in exchange for us being left alone.
If you had been threatened with being burnt alive for leaving and had a lighter held to your clothing then maybe you would have more empathy .
Ds is amazing and has supported me in so many ways even though I haven't asked him to.
Police have been involved but the only way to get a non mol order is to give ex my address as he cnt be made to stay away from somewhere he doesn't know. This was confirmed by my support worked from women's aid and the police
I won't be back as all I wanted was advice on best way to handle this not more abuse

Your child is telling you he doesn't want contact with an abusive parent - LISTEN to him for god's sake.

Hi there,
It must be so hard for him, and for you too. I'm sorry you've been made to feel bad about the situation and your decisions on the situation by others on here.
My parents divorced when I was a young child, I've grown up struggling with my relationship with my dad.
It's a constant battle of emotions, sometimes I feel angry, sometimes sad, sometimes guilty.
At the age of 21, I'm still not sure what I want to do with the relationship.
Earlier, in my teen years I debated no contact, full on out of my life, but couldn't come to that hard decision.
Since then, there's been no happy times, more and more sad - now after a blow up around Christmas time I've currently gone no contact and am working my way up mentally and emotionally to be able to have a defining conversation with him.
At 16, im sure your child will have a clear view of what they want, and if they decide to go no contact - that's fine. Hard, but fine.
Remember my sweet that in the future they could rekindle a relationship if desired. Perhaps time apart will clear the mind and help him to figure out what he wants.
He may be like me and never decide.
It must be difficult for you to be in the middle. I'm so sorry for that. My mum gets blamed as the person who made me feel the way I do about my dad, but at the end of the day his actions were the ones who did the damage.
I hope you find clarity in this situation. Truly, good luck. X

Wel done to your son. Already a better man than his dad. Both of you block him and have the best rest of your lives xx

I am in a similar position, and I have let my 16 year old decide entirely on the level of contact he wants (which is very limited).

What you are doing is showing that you are still scared of your ex, because you are asking your ds to people please by seeing him, even when he doesn't want to, just to keep the peace.

You have to get to a point where you are able to stop that. It took my 2 years, and a lot of counselling, to stop being afraid my ex's reaction.

I agree with the above. Let your ds make his own decision, and then block your ex and protect yourself whilst you heal.

Good luck. It is so hard.

This should say ''not see'.

There is no abuse here. Everyone is giving you advice - that your son is legally entitled aged 16 to make his own mind up. You don't need to try to reverse his choice.

And if your ex doesn't know where you live and your DS doesn't want contact, do you even need to pursue the non-mol?

At 16 he's old enough to decide for himself. My eldest son refused to visit his Dad at 17 when we divorced. Older DD and younger DS went but elder son refused.

Alienation isn’t a bogus concept, but this is in no way alienation. It’s a child who was also the victim of his father’s domestic abuse exercising his agency in choosing to have nothing to do with him, and at 16 nobody is going to stand in his way.

I understand your fear of reprisals, but your son has been powerless as a child against his father, and it’s time for him to hold that power now to choose for himself.

I have a non molestion on my ex and he's not allowed to know where I live. I'm in Scotland so don't know if that makes a difference. He's been told to stay out of the area rather than away from a specific address. Might be worth another look into.

I agree with the name change after results would be easier. Let your ds decide what to do. Report anything your ex does and try to stay as safe as you can.

I decided I didn't want to see my father any more when I was fourteen, as he was very controlling. My mother supported me. You really should support your son. I actually reconciled with my dad when I was in my twenties as I was then old enough to have firm boundaries in place so he couldn't control me, we ended up having a great relationship until he passed away. Good luck to you both.

Support your son. He's 16 and it's his choice. I would have loved to been able to do that when my abusive dad left instead of being forced to keep contact and visitations when I was 15.

Good for him. Support him.

I'd think changing name before a levels is better than after? Who ever asks tk see gcse certificates if you go on to get a levels and any further qualifications?