How to manage a child not wanting to see you

[halfmyface]

ExH and I separated back in Feb, I finally moved out the FMH about 10 weeks ago and we agreed 50-50 of DCs 12 and 13. My new 2 bed place is about 1.5 miles from his 4 bed place so both children have a longer route to their respective senior schools and are further away from primary school friends.

Dc13 was a lot more accepting of everything from the start, he's very much like me, just gets on with stuff (probs because we both have ADHD so not NT)

Dc12 was always been very close to me, a lot more emotional, sensitive, questioning and has a history of violence when frustrated (eg chairs across classrooms) and long periods of needing to be alone in safe places to calm down. He has clocked that it was me that asked for the divorce and turned his workd upside down so is incredibly angry with me, grunts at me when spoken to, has to be coerced every custody period to visit and.is plainly hurting about it all. I know if it were in a court situation at 12 they'd probably accept his choice. But I can't and exh is supportive of the 50/50 arrangement. How do I work through this rejection and help dc accept this is what it is now, just because exh and I once liked each other, doesn't mean we can still and we can't go back in time.

To complicate things further, I now have a new dp which am sure both dc have clocked (though not met, not sure they will for months and months yet)- that's not been thrown at me yet but am sure it will. I have said to new dp, the killer for our relationship will be issues with children and looks like i am going to be right which is so painful to think about.

Behaviour issues, struggles to regulate emotions, immense pain at perceived rejection by you and especially your new life. It’s sounds like your son has ADHD and is suffering from rejection sensitivity dysphoria. You need to focus on work that ensures your son doesn’t feel rejected by you - this may include putting new relationship on hold.

How much time do they get with you alone? Could you offset the 50:50 slightly so each child gets one night just with you (and likewise just with dh)? Maybe for a trial period. Obviously it depends on the relationship between the two dc and what they want too. One on one time always brings out the best in my dc.

If one of them didn't want to go to their dads- would you be forcing them to do so, even if it made them unhappy? He blames you, and he's angry at you- the upheaval he perceives that you've caused, even though he obviously doesn't actually understand what's brought you to the decision. I really wouldn't be letting on at all about the relationship you've gotten into- you've only been out the family home for a few weeks. If he's not willing to talk to you- is there anyway he'd be willing to talk to someone else?

I would pause the relationship or at least ensure that it is kept well away from the kids. How do they know about it anyway?

I think you just have to keep continuing to do why you’re doing and show him you are still there for him and will always be. Reassure him that you love him and will always be there for him.

you are still fairly early in the seperation and have had xmas I assume for the first one apart. I think just more time will help too.

maybe help him get new routines, and things that’s he does at your house.

Are you sure DC2 isn't ADHD too? He sounds more ND than DC1.

It's early days and hopefully things will improve. I would stick with 50/50 and be very, very patient and loving with the anger and grunting.

To him, you've abandoned your previous life. He might be taking it very personally. And you've got a new partner very quickly. All of these are fbig factors which might be driving his behaviour.

Why aren't they living with you mainly and visiting their DD?

• visiting their Dad

I’d be tempted to allow him to live at dad’s as much as he wants to - as you said, it’s bigger and nearer school, but be there in the background as a very loving and consistent parent when he needs you.
With the new relationship, I would consider either putting a stop to it for the children’s benefit or going very slowly with it keeping it separate to home life.

I’d also take the fact he wants to live at dad’s as a positive, in part. So many men can be aggressive and feckless. Your son wanting to be there suggest he’s not these things.

How is your youngest son otherwise?

I tend to agree that the needs and wishes of the child should be paramount here and the courts would take his views into consideration. Have your DC been asked what contact they want? If they are used to having one settled place, 50/50 is a big adjustment at that age, before all the emotions are brought into it. My 12 year old would not be able to manage it (he is ND, with autistic traits and disliking change and transitions is one of them).

What worked for my 12 year old (and I did have to go to court to get manageable contact in place for him) was going at his pace and letting him grow into spending more time with his dad. His dad was of course opposed to this and not accepting of DC’s additional needs, and it took a long legal process and mediation, but they do have a really good relationship now.

Courts take DC’s needs and wishes into account for good reason, and I think saying that you cannot accept not having 50/50 is simply not good enough. It would be better to work with your youngest to figure out how he will best cope and manage the separation. It’s not fair to keep coercing him into a situation he doesn’t want to be in. There must be alternatives which allow you to maintain a positive relationship.

Is ADHD just the normal human condition? Those of us who haven’t been diagnosed with it certainly seem to be in the minority…

Moodiness and grunting are par for the course of 12 and 13 year old boys without a divorce situation. Don't forget they are riding the wave that is puberty at the same time.

Oh do sod off

WTF? Not helpful in the slightest.

Thank you for the mainly constructive replies folks.

He's had two CAMHS pre-assessments for ASC/ADHD and not met the threshold each time, am not convinced but with the separation/divorce that's dropped off the radar.

We do stuff just me and him, however small, we went out for fast food lunch of his choice on Tuesday and watched some history and nature programmes together the other day too. Funds are incredibly limited at the moment (think £150 grocery budget for the month) so much else is tricky.

Fair point about would I force him to his Dad's but in the absence of EA or DV, it makes sense for both boys to spend time with both of us, maybe we need to review the days 50/50 arrangements but it is early days, and Christmas hasn't helped, so think we need another half term at least of this current set up, exh and I are talking with him a lot to get him to vocalise whats going on and exh is going to be checking for private health care support through his work to see if he can find anything. Its back to school tomorrow so hoping routine might help again.

I think they are aware of dp, especially younger ds, as they've def read text messages over my shoulder or when my phone is unattended and once or twice in the last 8 months I've been caught on the phone. I've probably not been as careful as I could have been but will be more diligent going forward. Ending this relationship, for all sorts of reasons, isn't something I could cope with considering now.

Why are you forcing 50/50 when your child doesn't want it? Why is "it just the way it is now"?

No adult would want to cart between two homes with no actual base so why do we force children to do it.

Why don't you speak to him and ask him what he wants and go from there?

With regards to the relationship, it sounds like you've not been very sensitive and so it's understandable that they might take their dad's side if he's being more subtle.