Husband is a nasty stranger.

[helpmekeepmycalm]

After discovering my husbands affair with his employee things have started getting very messy. He is deflective, always in control and seems to enjoy spiting me.

We are married and have a child together. In the very beginning he said he would continue to contribute to the house as normal as he didn't want his choices to impact me and our child. He is still living in the family home, sleeping on the sofa after returning from evenings with the girlfriend which makes me sick. He is looking to rent another property which he says he can't wait to move into but it has been nearly six weeks now. He refuses to leave until he has somewhere to go. He returns to the house at 2/3am regularly and is not getting up to our child in the morning. Also picking and choosing when parenting suits him.

He is always calling the shots and I try my best to remain calm and not argue with him but tonight he got me. He told me infront of our child that he will be discussing finances with me tomorrow going forwards and he will only be paying for mandatory items that he is legally required to pay. He then enjoys using narcissistic traits to question and pull apart my responses. Please give me your best advice to not let this man affect me so much. He knows how financially worried I am, I told him that every day I have to convince myself not to kill myself and he enjoys telling me that I need to get myself some help. Each time I tell him I already am getting professional support but this is all on him. I have never suffered with mental health until I discovered his affair and what a liar he is and I'm now struggling with my world falling apart and my heart being broken. He seems to be enjoying being cruel,
I'm guessing because it stops his guilt
If I get emotional and start biting back at him. I just want him out of the home but to also not screw us over. Help!

I worry that I can't afford a solicitor. How will I pay it!

Why are you telling him anything. Stop any comminication.

My ex was very similar. I got myself a good solicitor and paid for it on an interest free credit card. I’m still paying it off two years on but my solicitor was worth every penny.

Treat him like a hostile stranger and do not tell him a thing. The cloud lifts when you no longer have to live with him. I was also had suicidal thoughts when I was still living with him but I realised I didn’t actually want to die, I just wanted it to stop. Those feelings disappeared when he finally moved out. You can do this and life is so much better (albeit poorer) on the other side.

Don’t tell him anything. Men like him thrive off knowing they have the power to destroy you. You’re feeding him exactly what he wants.

Issue court proceedings straight away. Speak to a mediator, as you will need them to sign off your application to say he is abusive so mediation is not recommended (otherwise you have to have mediation before court).

Contact your GP and domestic abuse charities for support.

Contact universal credit and see what help you can get as you are now separated. You might be surprised at what they can do for you.

Stop servicing his needs: cooking, cleaning, washing.

In many ways the alternative would be worse. If he was being kind and supportive then you would be still see him as someone you can rely on. When you can’t and that is probably just a reality rather than a cruelty.

Unless you are loaded then the separation is a huge financial hit. Even dual incomes don’t stretch to paying for two homes. He’s probably just found out that he can’t afford to rent and financially support you as well.

What this means is that you need to have a cold hard talk about money if he is to move out. Have you looked into benefits ? What sort of CMS would you get when he moves out? Unless he is earning a huge amount you won’t get interim support above benefits and CMS.

I get that this is hitting you fast and hard emotionally. But in terms of money you need to catch up because it is unlikely he can afford the promise to keep on paying for the family home.

Your immediate priorities are putting in claims. That will increase your income. You need to increase your income and downsize your outgoings. You don’t need a solicitor immediately because you won’t get divorced immediately. That is months if not years away.

You do need to get medical help. Please don’t tell him you are worried about self harm. He is the worse person to tell. Ask a family member or friend to stay with you until your mental health stabilises. It is important you have this support and are not alone.

Please don't agree to any financial arrangements with him OP. You can get 30 minutes free legal advice. See a family lawyer asap and they will run down the basics with you. He sounds like a controlling bully. My ExH was the same and tried to coerce me into agreeing all sorts. Please reach out to a friend or family who can support you through these early days. In relation to your ongoing communication just tell him you will not be agreeing to anything until you have sought advice. I said that and my exH was gobsmacked. Try and find a little strength from somewhere. Discuss anything to do with your DC but as to anything else, go GREY ROCK. www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock

Give nothing away, don’t let him know your next move. Get legal advice to know where you stand. Sort out the finances as if you are getting nothing from him or contribution towards bills.

When he is home, go out, you don’t need to tell him where or who with or when you’ll be back. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

Get angry. Really angry.

Then tot up your assets.

mortgage, how much is outstanding?
house value
savings
his and your incomes
his and your pension.

Start at 50% split. Find a lawyer and go in hard. You can sort out paying for the legal advice out of the final settlement but your lawyer will be able to advise if you can push that 50% upwards with having to accommodate you and your child etc.

You can apply for UC as a single parent now so get cracking with that too.

Any lip off him or intimidatory/controlling behaviour and you can ask your lawyer about occupation orders/non molestation orders. These are his choices not yours. He doesn’t get to spend the evening banging the girlfriend and then come home to the wife to give her aggro.

Deep breath. Remember you only have to fight this particular fight one time so get the first digs in and make it count.

I’m not from the Uk so I don’t have any useful advice like pp. But I can empathise.

I am so sorry that he has done this to you and your child. What a prick. You deserve so much better.

Easier said than done but grey rock is very affective.

Do you have some good friends or family that you can bitch about him to? Invite them over so they can give him the stink eye and make him feel uncomfortable being in the house.

I hope things improve for you soon. Don’t lose hope. Life has a way of turning a corner and it will get better. 💐💖🌈

Get him out of the house. This behaviour is abusive. Especially for your child to witness as they will be affected by this behaviour forever. Go to gp for help with mental health. Get support and someone to talk to.

I'm glad you're getting professional help. I know it doesn't feel like it now but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hold onto that - for you and your child. You will recover from this.
I agree with everyone else. Stop telling him things he can use against you, reach out to a trusted family member if you can or maybe a charity to talk to someone who can understand what you're going through.
Some advice I'll leave here in case it helps. If money is tight, take advantage of the free half an hour's that solicitor's give. Have a list of questions ready and be wary of them selling their services. Get answers first before making a decision to hire anyone.
Also, take advantage of online resources. You can do it yourself. Or you can do some of it yourself and have a solicitor so you're saving money and won't have to shell out thousands - I used this one to guide me through and help me understand my options - https://iamlip.com/
Hope this can help x

So here's a little update;

He's moved out 9 weeks ago, still hasn't collected his stuff despite many requests. He's due to collect it all next week and I'm dreading it.

He's now forcing 50/50 for our child, which is interesting given his previous lack of commitment to our child.

He is now happily living with the affair partner and her child and they are busy playing happy families. He introduced our child without letting me know, they told me in the car. He even turned up to collect our child with her in the car last week. I look at him and wonder how he has changed so much and can only pity him for the person he has become. It's sad because I know that the old him would have been disgusted with all of this, is this was one of our friends who did it. But here we are!

Have reached out for legal advice.