Can I have a hand hold, please?

[daringtobebrave]

I asked DH for a divorce yesterday. It's been a long time coming and I was in agony trying to pluck up the courage to speak up. I finally blurted it out when he said we need to book a holiday for this summer and I realised that I just can't keep pretending anymore.
He said he was expecting it as I'd broached the subject last spring and he convinced me things could change. We both tried but it's not what I want anymore. We've been together 27 years, married for 22 of them and have two DC of 20 and 18.
I'm not the same person I used to be neither is he and we've grown apart. I've felt so lonely in my marriage over the years for various readons and at my age I want to stop lying to everyone, basically, and believe that maybe one day I'll meet someone I'm more compatible with.
I feel sick, so sad and guilty about what I'm doing to dh and my dc who both still live at home, scared about the future, paralysed by the thought of all the practical things I need to do, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. Part of me thinks I just should have carried on as things were, but although my life was/is safe, I know I would always be thinking 'what if?'.
So, please can those of you who have come out the other side hold my hand and give me some strength. Tell me it'll be ok, that my kids will forgive me, and how on earth you go about unknitting 27 years of a life together and stay friends?

There is a thread already established for people who are struggling with divorce. But it tends to focus on people who have not come to terms with the idea and I think you have. It’s a good read if you want to understand the extreme emotions people go through which will apply to both of you.

I can’t really advise on how older children take the news. Young children accept the news because they have faith in their parents. Teens are a law unto themselves and good solid co parenting is essential because they can run rings round you.

Young adults can be judgemental and opinionated in general. Keep in mind they wouldn’t let you have a say in their romantic relationships or where they decide to live. You have the same right to make autonomous decisions, good or bad.

There’s no getting away from the fact that this impacts on them but their needs aren’t legally considered in a divorce settlement. More significantly they are maybe something you and your ex cannot afford.

My advice is that you and your ex need to work through some of the practicalities. Your assets need to be split fairly and you both need homes and pensions. As you get older there is less room to manoeuvre on these needs.

when you present your decision to your children do it confidently and jointly. Let them know what it means for them and how you can help them in the future.

Can you link to the thread you mentioned please? Thank you 🙏😊

I split up with my husband of 22 years 8 months ago which was my decision. We’ve got 2 sons who are 14 and 18. We’ve remained amicable although I can’t say that’s always been easy. Most importantly is that my sons are ok. Their dad is here a lot for short periods of time for things like picking up and dropping off our eldest as we share taking him to work. Seeing him so often seems to have lessened the impact on them. It’s hard and it hurts but you will all be ok. Be kind to yourself and take it one step at a time as it can all feel totally overwhelming.

It’s on this board. Should be on page 1. It has nearly 1000 posts. You want miss it.

As youngest is now 18 it should be a straight forward 50/50 split on house/equity and pension sharing too. Split any savings or debts you have on credit cards. You can probably do a do it yourself type divorce if you both agree to just go your own ways. It will be easier because there isn't a third party someone cheated with. You will both need to ask for a pension total.

If you are reasonably amicable I can really recommend mediation to help you work together on the practical / money / house side of the split - kids too but guess with hours being older that’s not really an issue.

The one we went to was amazing and made everything much more straightforward without all the rigmarole and expense of going through solicitors. Still wasn’t easy but best way forward for us.

Thank you all for your support and advice.
It is reasonably amicable at the moment, I'm hoping it stays that way. I mentioned trying to find a mediator to help us communicate about the children and how best to support them but he doesn't see the need. Thinks the lawyers will give us the relevant info. (Lack of emotional support is one of the things that I can no longer live with).

Dh is onboard with the idea of a 50:50 split of equity and savings, but we haven't spoken about pensions yet. His is much better than mine. We're not in the UK though so I'm not exactly sure where I stand on that. I'm planning to start looking for a lawyer today.

He wants me to tell the kids that it's my decision to leave. Fair enough.
He also wants to stay in the house. Again, I'm "happy" to go along with this as I'm the one who wants out.
But I'm dreading telling the kids. Dc1 has had a tough few years and is only just finding their feet and I worry that it's going to knock them right back. Dc2 is more robust but A-levels (equivalent) are in a few months, decisions need to be made about their future and this is a time when they need security, not the rug pulled out from under their feet.
This is the main reason I'm happy to let dh keep the house. At least they'll not have to move. Hopefully when I get a new place they will feel comfortable there too.

It's so hard.

Thanks for the tip about the long-running thread. It seems that most of the posters were the ones to call time on their marriage, or if they did it was because their ex had done something unforgivable and they had no choice. I'd really like to hear more from others who, like me, are the ones to walk away from a marriage which from the outside looks OK, but leaves them feeling unfulfilled and sad. How do you live with your ambivalent feelings? How do you deal with the guilt of shattering your family's lives?

This is slightly older, but it might have some useful posts:

How do you deal with the guilt of falling out of love with your husband www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/4864699-how-do-you-deal-with-the-guilt-of-falling-out-of-love-with-your-husband

Don’t make decisions now out of guilt that could impact you financially. Including the house. It’s ok to want to get out if a relationship if you’re not happy. You don’t have to roll over to every demand. Walking away from a marriage doesn’t mean you literally have to walk away from everything. Be careful what you agree to now, let the dust settle and make sure you get a fair settlement.

Thank you. It really helped. I've just posted on there too.

You should work through the feelings of guilt. Where they stem from and why you don’t think you have the right to make choices that suit your needs. When I am sure everyone else in the family does believe they have the right to choose their partner, job, and living arrangements.

There are lots of conclusive studies that show that function is better than form. This means that your children don’t need the traditional family structure. They need functional parents.

The life lesson your children will learn is that a relationship cannot work if one person wants out. I personally can’t see how it is possible to live with someone you don’t love. That’s when things go wrong and toxicity sets in. Eventually there is a dramatic event like an affair which blows everything up and creates chaos.

Your responsibility as a parent isn’t to give them a traditional home. It is to show them how to live and to have emotional maturity. Part of that is being able to leave a relationship and accept the end of a relationship. They need to know that resisting or clinging onto a dead relationship or someone who isn’t right for you is unhealthy and toxic.

What you are probably feeling guilty about is a decision to end codependency. You shouldn’t be. This is the right thing to do. Your ex will be in emotional turmoil. But he would be in emotional turmoil in a bad marriage. If he isn’t then there is something wrong with him. Why would anyone want to compel someone to stay with them? If they do, why do they get away with no guilt?

LemonTT, thank you so much for your very insightful post which has given me lots to think about.

Candleabra too, for reminding me not to make unwise decisions re finances.

Thanks again, everyone.

I think it depends if you feel you have really give it a shot. Like many others, your relationship does suffer after a number of years and focussing on the kids.

Wife left a year ago, 22 years, 15/13yo. What angers me, and I will never forgive, is the fact she couldn't be bothered to try and see if it was fixable, that is my 'what if moment'. Dont get me wrong, it was crap for the last 2 years, we had both given up on each other but after all that time I thought we, kids and our 22 years meant that we should have at least seen if it was saveable. I reckon it was 50/50 at best.

Now we are both poorer, running two houses. I kept the house and she is only a mile away so easy for kids. Daughter 13 its struggling more and again, can't forgive my wife for that.

Amicable, not really, she has a real chip on her shoulder about a number of things and has bad mouthed me to mutual friends so some have taken her side. She is bitter about a few things and possibly jealous of my new relationship and has tried to interfere.

I am much happier now in so many ways, but still have anger about the way it ended and the what ifs.

Hi FloydPink, thanks for your perspective from the other side as it were.
We did try. We went to couples' therapy back in 2010 and had a trial separation but stayed together.
Also, back in the spring I told him that I was ready to leave and why, but he wanted us to work on it so I agreed because I didn't want to have regrets. It wasn't enough for me though, based on some fundamental problems/particular context that I won't go into here that can't be changed, sadly. Basically, I either had to compromise massively, deny myself ceratin things and live with it, or end the marriage.

I've started reading up on codependecy. It's making a lot of sense.

That makes sense, so sounds like you have both given it all.

The biggest thing I would suggest is how you deal with mutual friends, things are likely to get bitter at some point. Often it's been over the small stuff, or talking with friends and them telling you something different, often around finances.

Remove yourselves from each others social media helps IMO

Divorced in 2021 after 30 years marriage

advice I can give

1. go immediately to ADVICE NOW link at top of this board. Download guides on how to do divorce. Read up on process. Read what they say about what you do NOT need a solicitor for (the petition), what you might need one for, and what you do/should use one for. Read up on “fair settlement “ and understand how it will apply to the financial agreement you and stbex make. There’s no point fighting or even amicably agreeing about something that doesn’t meet “fair settlement”. Note:despite what many folks think and spout forth here financial settlement do not start with 50:50 assumption. Courts would like that as outcome. But “fair settlement” may result in you ending up not at 50:50. No one here on line can tell you your fair settlement. But with help of guides, understanding how it applies to you, you will get a very good idea of what likely and realistic outcome will be no matter what you spend on solicitor
2. try to keep it amicable and go a Consent order route. Park any resentment, irritation etc. it will save you £1000s and month or years of stress. It is NOT uncommon on this board to hear women say they’ve spent £10000s and years fighting out divorces. Avoid this. It doesn’t have to be this way. Use ADVICE NOW guides to use solicitors judiciously and remember they’ll charge £200+ per hour just for thinking about your case, or listening to you ask questions you’d could get answers to online, or listen to you venting your frustrations.
3. look at “Grief pathway” online. No matter that you’re the one calling time, you are still going through an enormous change related to loss of a future you thought you’d have. That pathway is useful in understanding why you go through a whole raft of emotions, and understand what driving that. Understanding it will help you get to a place of peaceful acceptance quicker.
4. I found it very difficult to move forwards due to anxiety and fear. The fear of the unknown . It held me back from acting for weeks. I found I needed to replace the “unknown” with “known” to clearly visualise my future life before I was ready to go forwards mentally. To do that I needed to know rough outcome of likely financial settlement (point 1), that enabled me to understand what my housing options were , and then to decide where I’d live, what type of home I could afford, what lifestyle I could afford going forwards. The unknown became known over a period of weeks as I informed myself. I then could start to take actions based on achieving those new realistic goals.
5. my kids were mid 20s and older. Weren’t living at home any more. So that wasn’t an issue around child custody. BUT, we still needed to talk with them and agreed we’d not give any reasons other than we both felt it was better to live apart . They knew we’d had up and downs. They said it was a surprise but not a complete shock. I’ve continued that message of a mutual we can’t live togther, and They don’t know what and why we divorced- it won’t help them to know the reasons which were much more damaging. What I didn’t take into account was that although adults I would still be impacted by seeing less of them than I did before. They both live 200+ miles away from me, and exh has now moved a further 200 miles away, they have limited days holidays and weekends to visit, so inevitably they split time they’d have come “home” between us both. It was a hard first couple of years finding this out. But I’ve adapted and do a lot more face calls now.
6. I found ,with help of ADVICE NOW the divorce process and financial agreement process very quick, easy and not costly. I thought it’d be the worse bit. But it wasn’t. It was the whole selling of family home, and house hunting and buying on my own that was way more stressful and upsetting. Making those sort of massive decision by myself for the first time on 30 years was a massive adjustment. It took me many many months to recover myself from that stress. Mind you I did have to move at peak Covid and stamp duty frees time when the house market was going mental. I’ve bought and sold many houses in my lifetime- this was a horrible experience. BUT, i did get over it and am happily settled in my home and new area now. Don’t under estimate this part can be difficult - you’ll be doing it for first time potentially on your own.

good luck !

Hi, off pint of thread, and very kindly meant, but have you read up on grief pathway? You “lost” your marriage.

the pathway will give you some insight into why you appear stuck at anger and thinking about the what ifs.

im not a big believer in religious reasons for forgiveness, and it’s certainly not about excusing past behavoiurs. But it is important insomuch as holding onto feeling of anger and not being able to forgive , drags like a ball and chain around your ankle. You drag it through life with you. Your ex is unaffected and potentially unaware of that effect. It’s only hurting you. You do not have to forgive her to her face, it’s about finding a way forwards of acceptance and letting go of those negative emotions.

Have a look at the grief pathway- may just be helpful….

Op, this poster does make a good point to remember too…

YOU WILL BOTH of you end up worse off. That’s kind of point of marriage, it’s a huge advantage financially. During marriage you both benefit from access to 100% of your combined wealth . After divorce you’ll have acess to, probably at best, around 50% (not a starting point or given as “fair settlement” law applies first)

Even if there are “surplus assets “ you will be worse off considerably. If you’ve no surplus assets, then the pain and resentment that realisation and reality causes is immense.

but there’s no getting away from it, everyone ends up worse of. Every single divorce.