Confused & overwhelmed by all the info/things to do.

[Imnervous24]

Hi.
I know I need to gather financial info but he's hidden it from me (since day 1 of marriage).
He's got money tied up with his siblings I think.
Married 17 years.
He hasn't bothered to update our Will despite me trying to since the birth of our 9 year old but guaranteed his siblings mortgage so they could have a bigger mortgage - I didn't know until the papers came to our house.

He's working 7 days a week cos he wants to - despite me and our younger one crying (literally) that we are lonely and want time with him.
Yes, I have my own interests and friends but is it too much to ask him to go out with us?
He's separated in his head I think - doesn't think about me.
Separate beds cos our big one talks to me at night/he wants to work at 5 am!

9 year old has repeatedly asked me to divorce him so he can have a new dad.
Told him there's no guarantee!

The children and I have our life together and he has his separate.

Posting cos I'm scared of what will happen once I tell him I want to separate/atmosphere in house (not violent).

He has mortgaged rental properties and a mortgage on our home.

I earn pocket-money in my part-time job.

I'm sorry it's come to this, but it sounds like separating is going to be the best thing for you and your DC. By the sounds of it the atmosphere in the house is already pretty bad, and you can't control how he reacts to hearing you want to separate, so try not to let that put you off. Focus on what you can control right now, which is to get a solicitor and start the divorce process. They can advise you about the financial side of things - let them take care of making sure he disclosed his finances. Check the AdviceNow website for really helpful guides. Do you have anywhere you could move to while the divorce process takes place? Could he move into on roof his rentals??

I think living apart ASAP would be good for you if you can make it work financially. Good luck, you deserve more than this x

I'm.worried he'll try to make out its my fault.
I'm not thinking about where he'll live- not my problem.
When my child asks you to divorce cos they're so sad, I can no longer think about him.
He hasn't bothered sorting out the future for the children and I - he didn't even sort out Child Benefit for my state pension, despite saying he's on top of financial matters.
I do my car insurance, savings for the children and me, all the admin and he can't even offer me q hot drink when I'm ill.
Can't even say please and thank you to me - I'm.there to be a housewife worth nothing to him.

What do you think he will make out is your fault- the problems in the marriage? It sounds like your DC knows what kind of person he is. Keep focusing on them and take that first step towards your freedom. He sounds horrible and you deserve to be free from that. You can't control how he reacts- don't let the fear of his reactions hold you back!

I feel so sad and disappointed.
I waited a long time to find what I thought was the right person.
Bloody hell - guaranteeing a mortgage without mentioning it to me "cos it's my (husband's) money. Sibling and spouse didn't mention it to me either.

It doesn’t matter whose fault it is in the eye of the law, we have no fault divorce in England (might be different if you live elsewhere). You should claim the child benefit yourself. You will need it once you separate, anyway. Ask for divorce and then go to a mediator who has a legal background and make sure you pick one that insists on full Form E disclosure.

Use link at header to ADVICE NOW site and print off guides to tell you how the process works.

it doesn’t matter whose to blame in terms of process or outcomes. All settlements are based on future needs, not past behaviours. All divorces are no fault now.

be really really careful about discussing divorce or your relationship with you do. It is not appropriate. No matter what parent’s behaviour is, unless actual abuse, this will have a potential profound and damaging long term effect. It could well back fire on you in later years- teens can be brutal and unforgiving and lacking insight. A 9 year old doesn’t know what theyre saying. To respond that there are no guarantees was not appropriate imho. They lack emotional maturity to understand intimate relationship’sor divorce or even marriage, that’s why we don’t allow them to marry their friends at that age 🤷🏼‍♀️. Seriously, please shut down or disengage discussing it with your child. I was that child. It damaged me and I’m 60 now and still with difficult relationship with parent who told me these things. The child is stating this because they’re sad, in loss of a father figure, and that’s what you need to focus on, but not ever engaging in discussion about what YOU ( the adult here) decide to do. If you divorce you do it for you - not because you are focusing on jumping into another marriage or to find a better father for your child. Dear god, that’ll never work out well.