Separating when DH is the main caregiver

[Areyouthereorhere]

I’m unhappy in my marriage. Have been for a while. I feel like I can’t just be myself. He gets verbally abusive if he feels I’m criticising him. A simple thing like asking him to organise an aspect of family life, to him, is me telling him he is shit and can’t do anything right. I’m not. I’m just having normal conversations that need to be had. I hear other parents have these conversations all the time. Like ‘oh, can you pick up some bread on your way home?’.

As a consequence I tend not to say anything and feel like I walk on egg shells.

In several occasions now he has exploded and called me names, bought up every past hurt from the last 16 years. Shouted at me with enough anger as if I’d slept with his best friend or deliberately destroyed a prized possession.

It’s taken a lot but he does now sometimes recognise that his anger is disproportionate and his behaviour is out of line and he’s getting therapy to figure out where this comes from and how to stop it.

We have given ourselves six months to work on things. But I feel so so stuck because we changed our circumstances based on finances, so that I work more and he has taken on most of the childcare duties. He also now (after a long battle) has taken on most of the mental load.

So, he exploded big time at me a couple of months ago and I asked him to leave. He refused. Joint mortgage.

So if we split, I will need to be the one who leaves. He will get 50/50 or more and will hang on to the house I expect. I will need to take in a large mortgage at quite a late point in my life.

I can cope with the financial stuff. I can live without luxuries. I’m not sure I can live without seeing my children everyday. It feels too hard. I feel like that would make me even more unhappy.

Any words of wisdom?

How old are the children?
Do you both work?

What do you mean when you say he does most of the mental load?

Kids are 10 and 12.

He holds in mind all the things needed to run a family. It used to be that he did his jobs but I was the organiser. He now organises things like after school clubs and uniform etc. I’m the main breadwinner. We have reversed roles to the traditional gender roles.

He sounds awful. Does he work?

When you say seeing them every day, do you mean you cannot cope with prospect of a 50:50 split which would likely mean you will have times where you are not together. If that’s the case then the only option is to stay together I guess.

If you can cope with the idea of 50/50 then what makes you think he’ll get more? Would you be able to either do the school runs or pay for wrap around care on your days? If so, then why is there a potential for more than 50% on his side?

depending how old the children are then their wishes will be considered, it’s unlikely that young children will be purposefully taken from mum more than 50/50 where there are no safeguarding or caregiving issues?

Have you seen a solicitor, if you haven’t then do that first. Best to understand your position fully before you start to weigh up options.

Dont forget if you split, he will need to work to pay bills. He only doesn’t work now to take on most childcare I guess? If they’re in full time school etc then there is no reason he cannot work and if you go 50/50 he gets nothing from you…

You have the DC 50:50, the assets are split, you both work FT and both buy smaller properties.

He may get more share of the assets to afford an equal house if he is a lower earner. The courts favour 50:50 and a clean break financial arrangement.

Sorry I see he does work but not as much.

At 10 & 12 your kids will have their wishes taken into consideration in any contact order.

Go and see a solicitor.

He won’t get to stay in the home, OP - it will need to be sold so you both have access to any profit to help fund rent or different purchases

He works less but could work more now the kids are in school. He thinks he’s too busy with house stuff 🤦‍♀️ I know single mothers who work full time and get more done.

Im struggling with idea of losing a whole load of friends too. No one would have a clue how verbally abusive he can get. He never does it in front of anyone. They would be horrified. But I know that it’s me that will have to call it a day and I’ll be the evil one because ‘he’s such a lovely father and husband and how could she do that to him?’ 😞 A couple of my friends know.

I think seeing a solicitor is a good idea. Will I need to know my financial situation well beforehand?

I think I’d rather take the hit and leave him with it so our kids can keep their family home. I’d be able to get enough together for a deposit on a much smaller place.

What’s a ‘clean break’ please?

Clean break means no ongoing financial ties or spousal maintenance - child maintenance if not shared 50:50- and neither party can bring any future claims

don’t put yourself in financial hardship to keep your children in fmh. He can, and will be expected to either maximise his earnings or claim benefits , unless you are very high earner Where spousal supprt might be a point.

defo see a solicitor

Thanks all. It’s such a big thing to contemplate.

Where you live will also be the kids’ home. They will want clothes and books and tv and homework and space for friends to visit in both places. Don’t sell yourself short.

There is no way that you won't get 50:50 residency.

Your homes need to be equitable.

Joint assets also include cars & pensions.

If you are worried about people not believing you, record him. We knew someone who had what was apparently the loveliest DH, and she was a bit quiet and not as much fun socially as he was. They split up and we were all shocked. Then she played us recordings and videos of what he was like behind closed doors and we were horrified - we cut contact with him and if she hadn't moved away I would have made a real effort to get to know her better, it all made sense afterwards why she was so quiet and often left early - we thought she didn't like us!!

Good idea.

Also, my ex was just like this and my friends believe me. I'm sure his friends think I'm crazy or mean or with old the child, but no great loss not having them in my life.

Please talk to a solicitor before you tell him. Don't sell yourself short because you feel bad for leaving. You may need to evidence that you do things with the kids eg drop them from activities or pick up from school or have dinner with them regularly during the week so that he doesn't become resident and you the every other weekend.

If nothing has changed then I don't know what the next six months will achieve unless you are getting counselling?

However it gives you time to prepare:
Get all your financials sorted. Separate any joint commitments you have bar the mortgage. Make sure he doesn't have any debt in your name.
Talk to a solicitor.
(Hard I know) but take on more of the domestic role so it's 50:50.
Ask him to increase his working hours.
Record him.
Talk to Women's Aid or the police if you feel he may be a threat or there is coercive control in your marriage. It also creates a record of his behaviour.
Expect him to fight dirty.
Confide in family and friends, and your boss if you have a good relationship with them.

Sorry - I've just seen that he is getting therapy so the six months makes sense. However my advice still stands.

He sounds horrific and abusive. You and the Dc deserve better.

Do see a solicitor and find out what you'd be entitled to.