How to be ok with the changes

[user1469990255]

Hi all,

im not sure if this is the right place, but long story short. STBXH had an affair, we separated at the end of August, divorce process has started. We are co parenting ok, but nesting in the family home which isn’t ideal. He is still with the OW. He had taken the kids out with them both whilst we were still together so the kids have met her. He asked before Christmas if he could take them out with her and I said I didn’t think the time of year was right as my DS (10) was struggling with us not being together. He agreed to wait then told me yesterday he had taken her out for a coffee with the kids whilst I was at work. It felt sneaky and he only really told me because DD (7) mentioned her.
I know I can’t stop all of this happening. He’s now told me he wants to book a holiday for OW and children in July and October. As far as the children know at the minute, she’s a friend.
im just really struggling with the thought of them being a happy family. I feel like I can’t compete with the fact there is two of them. I know from family days in the past, particular to places like a water park or theme park, we sort of took responsibility of one child as they like different things. I can’t do that on my own but they can. I’m worried the children will enjoy spending more time with dad and OW than me. I’m not a jealous person by nature but this is definitely bringing that side out in me. I’m just worried I’m not enough. STBXH worked away from most of their lives so I’ve been the main caregiver. They are my everything and I’m really struggling with the process of sharing them and someone else taking on that maternal role.
Has anyone got any word of wisdom I can use to help me get through this?

It’s going to happen anyway, so send the kids off with a smile, and cry when they’ve gone.

There's nothing you can do to stop it so as PP said, you need to accept that it will happen, stay calm and neutral in front of the dcs so they aren't made to feel guilty for seeing their dad, and then rage when they aren't there.

I took up kick boxing. Took all my anger out on a pad (with his face mentally pinned to the front). 😂

It does get better eventually.

That's really tough for you but remember that your children love you and have a bond with you. Maybe they might have the odd time where they have more fun with the OW but you will always be their mum who they love.

He isn’t asking your permission. He is asking you to condone his decision. If you do then you will accept his “poor” parenting choices and can’t complain. If you don’t he will mark you down as counter parenting.

The hard reality for you is that you need to step back from his decisions and tell him he needs to own them himself. You can voice an opinion on whether you would be introducing new partners and how you would go about it. Ask him if he knows whether the children would like the idea. Ask him why he thinks this is a good idea (bit cheeky but it might make him reflect).

Your feelings won’t change on his new relationship. What you can change is your empowerment. Make him take total responsibility for how he parents and lives his life.

Invite a friend or family member on holiday to help manage the kids. Or go to single parent holidays (they do exist).

Your kids are 7 and 10, it’s not going to be like juggling two toddlers. You can do it.

I took up MMA. Great way to tealease the anger and frustration.

Thank you. I am going to try and take a step back from what he does with the kids and her. I guess I can only control what I do with them.
question though, we both wanted to take them to the same thing, how do go about things like that? Do you always ask the ex before you book things? I feel that’s still him having some control on my life and the kids

From my experience they don’t care who they upset whether it be you or the children in their decisions. So if I were you I’d book whatever you want to with your children, it’s not up to him whether you can take them somewhere or not. He should have no control over you, he won’t like it, but things will not be so amicable when you start to live your own life again.