I feel like I need to leave but I'm struggling

[CompRR]

I need to leave but I have no support. My father is a narcissist and I've not had healthy relationships. My mum stays with my dad and always has done. I'm now repeating that cycle but I'm aware it's incredibly unhealthy. I fear losing any time with my children and so I stay. My self esteem is at an all time low, I'm sad, I'm lonely, I have no friends. I'm financially dependent upon my partner who on the surface to everyone else is a perfect role model and most wonderful partner and father but the act doesn't last at home. I'm constantly screamed at, sworn at, belittled. I sleep alone and cry. My comfort are my children. I can't face leaving them for any period of time, they keep my heart ticking. My eldest is 3 and the only night or period away was to give birth to my second. I've done every single bedtime bar 2 since they've both been born. I work part time and grandparents have them during my working hours and I have them back as soon as I finish. I've never had a coffee alone, shopped alone or had time away from them. And that's ok for me, I love them, but I have so much fear about leaving my partner and losing time with my children. I just don't know where else to turn. I've searched the Internet for answers, I have nobody to confide in, I'm just broken but I'm happy in front of my children. I don't know what I'm seeking I just know I need an outlet for how sad I feel.

Ah I'm sorry you are feeling so sad.

For a break, could you not at least grab an hour after work? Would the gp mind an extra hour?

You say about your poor role model with your mum, but you are going to set your children up with the same experience unless you get out of the relationship.

If you are doing all childcare now do you really think he'd be interested in regular contact if you split? Often abusive men will say they'll fight you for custody because they know it gives them power but when it comes to it don't even bother maintaining contact. They were never really interested.

Have you tried insisting on some minimum boundaries? Being sworn at and shouted out especially with small children around would be an absolute non-negotiable NO from me.

I recommend seeing a solicitor and exploring your options. A lot of them will depend on marriage/mortgage status. Also contact Womens Aid for support and to talk through your options.

If you’re going to leave you need to get to grips with the fact that he can ask for 50%. Whether he has them for that is a different thing, but he may well ask for it.
Get your finances together, see a family solicitor - no need for him to know - and bide your time.

You won't be so dependent on your children if you escape and can build up a life outside of him.

And your children will inevitably move away from you as they start to grow up. So you will have to get used to your children spending more and more time away from you whether you stay with him or not.

From other people I know, benefits seem to be pretty ok for those who work. Check out what your entitlement would be. There's a website called something like ' what am I entitled to'.

Your local Women's Aid may have offer a free session with a solicitor and regular divorce solicitors may offer a free half hour too.

If you are doing all childcare now do you really think he'd be interested in regular contact if you split? Often abusive men will say they'll fight you for custody because they know it gives them power but when it comes to it don't even bother maintaining contact. They were never really interested

I know someone whose Ex was almost certainly a narc from his behaviour. He took her for court to get every weekend ( he lived at a distance). He got every other weekend. He kept this up for a very short period and now has no contact with his son at all.

Do you think you could find a counsellor that specialises in narcissists? Might help you work through things. Sorry you are going through this, you need someone loving and kind in a partner, you deserve that. Setting boundaries is hard when you’ve been raised by one or more narcissistic parents but a counsellor can help you with that and move forward. You’ve got this and are stronger than you think.